I feel like...Computer.

Everyone says I shouldn't use Microsoft Vista. Well, I guess not everyone, but most people. Especially Mac users.

Let's examine the alternatives to Microsoft Vista, and I will explain exactly why I am using Vista (and much content with it, I may add).

Possible Alternative 1-Linux, and any other GNU OS.
Although I love the sound of free, I've witnessed way too many problems with Linux for me ever to trust it as my primary OS. Many friends of mine have it as secondary operating systems, for good reason. For one, I feel that there is a steep learning curve for this, having never used it I don't know for sure, but it seems programming-intensive. It definitely seems that one needs a knowledge of elementary programming before using this software. Furthermore, many programs that I use do not run on Linux systems. I realize that there are substitutes, for most of the programs, and the rest will probably eventually run on Linux, but in the meantime, I'm going to stick to one of the main two.

Possible Alternative 2- Windows XP
Quite frankly, unavailable for the most part, and is getting phased out. Why bother.

This leaves only one alternative to Vista, being MAC OSX. dun dun dunnn....

Possible Alternative 3-OSX
Let me be the first to say that any (current) MAC system is beautiful. Honestly, there is no equal when comparing functionality and style with the MAC systems. Unfortunately, I could give a crap about style when it comes to my computer. Give me a 5 lb laptop, if it can run, has good power/functionality, is fast, is reliable, and is CHEAP. Unfortunately, no such thing exists that can be bought in the mass market to date, that I've seen.
However, the functionality/style combo is not the only thing attractive to using a MAC- the monitors are remarkably better, and they (used to) run a lot better than their competition. Currently, I feel that the competition has since stepped up and they are on equal ground. Please correct me if I am wrong on this one, it's not something I've researched. I've also heard that "once you go MAC you don't go back". As amusing as the quip is, I also know several people that have bought PC's after obtaining MAC systems and are perfectly happy with them.
MAC is doing a lot to improve their system, including allowing others to publish MAC compatible software, thus allowing for a greater breadth of consumers (aka gamers), and dissolving the idea of buying a PC just for the games.
Furthermore, I really can't seem to find any problem with the assistance given on MAC computers by their technical staff, except that it might be expensive-but really, what technical help is not?

So why am I using a Vista system?

From the small dissertation above, the only real competition for me personally is OSX. And I would heartily recommend this system to people who want the best style/functionality combination, a space saving machine, or are into media design. Personally, I'm an engineer, and am not in the mood to pay another grand for a screen that is more clear. This is what it boils down to: price.
If Steve Jobs wanted to sell more Macintosh laptops, he would take a pay break- trust me, he wouldn't notice too much- and sell his laptops at a comparable price to PC's with the same specs. For example, I recently bought my current laptop (HP Pavillion dv6500) for approximately $1000. The cheapest Macbook on the market now (according to their website) sells for $100 more, has the same processor, 1GB less of RAM, and 80 GB less of hard drive space, and the same features otherwise. So why buy this Macbook? Why pay $100 more for a lesser computer, just for the name?

This short answer, to why I run Vista? It's cheaper for the exact same thing in a PC, that (to my personal experience) is just as reliable as a MAC system.

April Fool's!

So I just figured out my schedule for next semester- I'm happy with how it's turned out, even though I will have a sucky 8AM lab, but I've done those before! so hah! take that Chem. E.! (go Physics?)
I'm having a strange night with no homework, and absolutely no motivation to do anything. Lately my life has just seemed on track. This only means one thing- hell is about to break loose and unleash its fury on my life. Something big is about to happen.
Enormously great news yesterday from the research that I've been doing, however no one wants to celebrate with me. Sadness. Am I that big of a bitch?
no. seriously. am I?
I'm in a strange mood tonight- like forlorn mixed with content.
I also ruined a pair of jeans today. Fortunately they were my least favorite pair.
It was Matt's birthday on Saturday. I think he had fun-he got mad at me because I apparently 'spoiled' him, which I didn't. He kept finding the good in situations, and exclaiming that they were so because it was his birthday. This made me smile for pretty much the entire night.
I made an offer I will have to back out on. A few weeks ago, I told C that I would start a Flickr 365 project with her in June (for moral support). After thinking further about the subject, I realized that not only do I dislike being the subject of pictures, but also this blog is probably stretching my limits as far as comfort zones go, and that's only because I've been blogging for nearly 4 years now, and I like to convince myself that no one reads it anyway.
I have to wonder though, what happens at day 366(or 367 for the leap year)? Is it a feeling of accomplishment or emptiness? I suppose it would be different for everyone, but I would imagine after taking a photograph of yourself for an entire year, it may become second nature or a part of the daily routine. On the other hand, it is an enormous accomplishment to have kept with something for so long, imo.
Maybe I'll quiz people once they finish.

Easter blag

Happy Easter! Today I go back to the grind of school- exciting but not really.
I just received one of my recently deceased grandmother's favorite brooches- I'm not entirely sure what to think of this, I'll go with contemplative yet happy.
I'm happy for many reasons- I'm surrounded by family (even extended), I have (most of) my homework done, it's Easter, I'm happy for what Jesus did for all of us many era's ago, after getting lots of it taken in my bridesmaid's dress fits, my boyfriend loves me, and I just got 100 dollars.
I also got to see extended family this weekend, and spend Easter with a 6 year old. I think I forgot how exciting it was when I was that young. Dying Easter eggs was amazing- I'm glad I wasn't the only one who wanted to do it this year! I also participated in the first Easter egg hunt I've ever had- but I was on the hiding side of it. I don't think I missed out on much, though. I also got to stuff Easter baskets- a first. I thought it was fun, especially doing my cousin's because I knew how excited he would be when he found it.
It might be tough going back to the grind next week- but I'm really happy I had this time to relax.

Late Night Revelations

Out late again, seeing and talking to my two "older brothers". We have such great conversations, and it was a nice time to sit back and listen to what has been going on in their lives. We got on an hour long conversation about Dragonball Z, they gave me a couple teasers about what is going to happen beyond what I've seen (sorry Matt!), and we had a nice discussion about why Piccolo is the best character, which I might agree to disagree that the best character is, in fact, Vegeta.
And sometimes my own nerdiness surprises me that I care about these kinds of things. I guess it's better than getting hooked on some lame reality TV show- and I apologize to anyone reading who likes reality TV.
Gotta say though, not all that interesting. I mean, the dramatized ones with a prize at the end- I can understand watching those, like "Biggest Loser" or "America's Next Top Model" or (gasp!) dare I say, "American Idol", even. But ones like "The Hills" -please. Reality TV soap opera.
Again, if that's your thing I apologize. Each individual is more than entitled to their own tastes.
Things I would like to see more on television would maybe be televised, public, glamorized shows that actually help people. Maybe a reality TV charity thing- that maybe builds houses for those affected by the tsunami of '05. At least the characters will be doing something worthwhile while entertaining us fat Americans. Maybe make it a competition- the one with the best project at the end gets a free vacation somewhere and maybe some money. Call it "Project Humanity".
Let's glamorize volunteerism- make those Americans get off their butts for a change.
I suppose some would call me a hypocrite for that statement, though.
Really though, what HAVE I done lately? I'm a little ashamed to say very little. Outside of organizing a nonperishable food drive in my apartment building last fall and donating to the Alzheimer's Association, I really haven't helped anyone but myself in matters not related to school or personal business. This needs to change. I guess if anyone has ideas- please post!

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

And yay for spring break! I've gotten an opportunity to re-learn LaTeX all over again, which has been interesting. Tonight I celebrated St. Patrick's day with some very good friends, and later ended out at the bar with another one of them. Green beer ftw!
It's about that time where I get super sleepy though, goodnight everyone!

INTERNETS!

So my parents finally stepped out of the stone age and got the internets (again).

Am very excited. Especially because I don't have to drive about 10 minutes only to buy either a fruit and yogurt parfait or a hot apple blast so that I can check my email.

Spring break started yesterday at 2:15, I am looking forward to doing nothing this week!

I went out drinking with an old elementary school teacher today, and it was not as awkward as I thought it would be. Yay!

Happiness is....Procrastination!

In lieu of drawing or reading, like I should be, I decided to update on a happier note.
It's a little sad how depressing this blog has turned out to be. I'm making a mental note to post when I'm happy too.
Went to the sausage fest (annual sausage dinner in Sleepy Eye, MN) again this weekend, which was absolutely amazing. It's an annual Soukup family reunion thing, and this year his grandfather (apparently) asked that I be there. I guess they like me? (yess!)
I love feeling loved, which is maybe what I was missing before. Such things have seem to become rectified, and the darkness may be moving along as it should be.
I'm really looking forward to seeing an old friend on Friday. We're going to Ikea- for my first time ever! slightly excited.

maybe a mental breakdown?

I've not been myself lately. I think its because my self-esteem has plunged to a new low in several areas of my life. But then again I've never been very confident.
It's just been another 'bleh' week, apparently.
I guess I need to shake some fears before I get on with my life, because they are currently consuming me. I need to shake the fears and the self-pity, because that's taking me absolutely nowhere.
Someone to talk to that is genuinely interested in what I have to say would be nice. I think I ask too much, I'm not all that interesting. I also complain way too much. Also, most guys get really freaked out if girls start sobbing on them. And I'm also really moody.
At least this time its not as bad or as plentifully wrong as the events of this past summer. So, "Buck up little soldier" and I think its time for bed.
I dunno, maybe pray for me so that I can get fixed what has now broken.

VD awareness

Yay for Valentine's day festivities. While most people went out, I spent the night studying- along with probably the rest of my Chem E class... No fear, Matt and I spent the next day "celebrating".
We had a good night- I mean, free New York strips can't be too terrible, right? And seriously, our dinner was $2.00 because I got lemonade instead of water, thanks to the gift certificates that I had acquired through my parents.
The rest of the night was spent playing the new Monopoly game that I got him (onyx edition! classy) and then crying all over him. I'm not going to go into details here.
He gave me a really sweet T-shirt, it has a train on the front and it says "I choo choo choose you". It's probably my new favorite shirt.
The next day was spent studying/grocery shopping and at an Awkward dance that one of my good friends planned. Afterwards, we all went over to Matt's apartment and watched one of his roommates play video games under the influence (it was his 21st birthday). Albeit hilarious, I felt that the night would have been more amusing watching him walk around, which was also entertaining when he did. I got a little more drunk than I intended, there is a weird phenomenon where I can't seem to tell how inebriated I am when I'm sitting, which I found last night. I also realize that I am somewhat of a cheap drunk-after 2 drinks I was wasted. I'll contribute that to my turtle-like metabolism (thanks for that one, parents). Strangely, again I woke up without hangover after having done nothing to prevent such an occurance.
As long as I was entertaining, I really don't care too much, I guess.

First Full Week

Back at it again-school. Surprisingly, the workload seems much more reasonable than last semester. But because I just said (well, typed) that its going to get bad, fast. So far, here is a brief rundown of the classes that I have:

Numerical Methods- pretty much Matlab for the sake of doing Matlab. So far pretty easy, but considering that I'm terrible with computers, once we get through the mind-boggling easy stuff we're going through right now (think doing gaussian elimination on matrices by hand), it will get more difficult.

Reactor Design- It's been told to me that Professor McCormick has eye lasers, but is too nice to use them. I heartily agree, and also believe that he can send them over email. As for the actual class, once we're done reviewing a combination of reaction kinetics and thermodynamics, the class will be much more difficult- but it's not easy to begin with. ick.


Mass Transport- a.k.a. diffusion, transport 2. Pretty much transport phenomena. again. I really like Professor Dautidis, crazy Greek.

Analytical Chemistry- the lecture section of this class is very boring, but the professor makes it oddly interesting. I am not looking forward to lab starting in this class, however. I've heard horror stories of 20 page lab reports and all-nighters.

Drawing- If I didn't suck at drawing and was a little less impatient, then I would absolutely love this class. Right now, I look forward to doing the homework, and hate doing it about halfway through it. Great stress reliever, however, and I feel kinda special carrying my huge portfolio across campus every Tuesday evening.

Research- Has not started yet really, and that is totally my fault. I need to finish the book Hari gave me to read before I start, I've had it a week. In my defense, its a huge book and is really really boring. Like a textbook. The actual experimentation stuff sounds great, can't wait to start, but I can wait to finish the book.

Okay, so that's the rundown of the semester to be. I also hope to be more involved in SWE and AIChE, but we'll see how that turns out. Its so hard for me to go to those events knowing that I will not really know anyone else at them. Also- as for SWE meetings, I swear they take copies of my calendar so they can know the most inconvenient time to have a meeting for me and plan it then. the last meeting I was actually able to attend. This also equaled my meeting attendance for the entire Fall semester. I also need to go to church more often than I have been.

I really want to give Matt his Valentine's Day present. Mostly because then I will be able to enjoy it too.

I am also totally bummed NoDak beat us in hockey last night. I'm watching tonight via television- hopefully tonight's game will be different. Also attended a glorious bash at a friend's house last night, which was fun beyond description. I learned that talent in guitar hero = exp(-Blood Alcohol concentration). I am also freakishly without hangover despite my lack of water drinking last night.

Year through my eyes

I know its a little bit belated, but since everyone else was doing it, I thought that I would give a rundown of my whole year:

January:
Matt visits Hibbing for New Years, and I return to MBH one week early to work full time. I manage to lose the topaz/diamond necklace that Matt gave me for our six-month anniversary, pretty much the most valuable (material) thing a boy has ever given me. Trip to San Francisco is planned. Spring semester of sophomore year begins. One year anniversary with Matt, during which we return to the place where we had our first date. Argyle notifies us that we are able to reserve a four-person, two-bedroom apartment for the 07-08 year, and I get very excited to move out of the dorms.


February:
Classes start to pick up, midterms begin, economics bores me for the first time ever. Begin taking HPV injections, hockey plays MTU. Valentines day comes and goes, once again Matt and I both had night classes on that particular night. Small fight ensues with Argyle as to why we were not selected for a five-person apartment, however things end up working better to not have had it in the long run. Plans to go to San Francisco are finalized, and airplane ticket is purchased. Surprised Matt's brother and brought him to see Rey Mysterio. I learn to knit for breast cancer.

March:
Spring break in San Francisco! Amazing experience. Minnesota hockey loses to UND in WCHA finals. I join a Relay for Life team and begin to wonder about how I am going to raise money. This issue is put on the back burner until April when I finally send some invitations to donate to parents and family. I only get $50 from my Mom. Matt turns 20 on the 29th. I find out that I have to pay in money to the government for taxes, which irritates me.

April:
Relay for Life, IT ball. I begin to wonder where I will live over the summer, and settle on living in Argyle in a room that C found that was looking for three girls. Future roommates are great, exciting outlook for summer. Missy and I tour a frat house which scares us both away. Matt decides to live in Iowa for the summer, which saddens/scares/worries me. Register for next fall, and am nervous about classes which sound very difficult.

May:
Am finally over scared/worried/sad feelings for Matt and am finally able to feel happy for him. Semester ends, am happy I will not have organic chemistry lecture or math lecture again unless I go on my own accord. Move into apartment for the first time, realize how broke I am. Begin working 50-60 hour weeks. Help move Matt to West Des Moines, IA. Trav and Erica get engaged. Get hit on at Jiffy Lube and man offers to fix my AC for $50.

June:
Drive to either Hibbing or Iowa pretty much every weekend. Dad's birthday, I am finally able to make him his cake. Erica asks me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Friend runs Grandma's marathon in Duluth, I drive up with some friends and cheer her on. Dan stays long enough to see Hibbing. I wish my car had air conditioning and research how much it will take to fix. I realize that I should have taken the man at Jiffy Lube's offer. Finally become financially independent of credit card. See Des Moines Pride parade with Matt. Help plan/act surprise birthday party for Dan. Make ice cream with C. Realize that my car is slowly dying by driving it too often, start to wish Matt had a car. Grandma Young dies. Other things happen. I stop talking about my very personal problems. Not a good month.

July:
Fourth of July picnic at lake. Begin knitting mittens for self. Problems worsen and increase in number. Break down, tell Matt everything. He gets worried. Nearly tell another, but am saved. Start seeing lots of movies with friends. Joe comes home from the Navy for a while, I get to see him. Go to Chisholm street dance. Spent more time in Minneapolis on weekends. Pierce cartilage in left ear, Tyler calls me emo. Parking for Fall becomes an issue and is solved. Start becoming a bad influence on friends by giving two their first alcoholic beverages. I disclose to Rod that I will be actively seeking a new job for next summer.

August:
Issues start to become resolved. Take family vacation with Matt. Have picnic on Des Moines river. See Mackinac Island, Mackinac city, and Mackinac Bridge. Spend fantastic weekend on beach/campground. Matt and I have a deep conversation about things on the swingset in the playground of the campground. Matt is able to spend one night in my summer apartment. Start buying books for classes. 35W bridge collapses, ironically close to my apartment. Was fortunate to have left Minneapolis long before the collapse. C runs half-marathon on sore ankle. Learn that Tim was hit while on his motorcycle by a drunk driver, also learn that he is recuperating. Go to Reel Big Fish/Less than Jake/Streetlight Manifesto concert. Become less and less of a Reel Big Fish fan. Move into new apartment that night. Move Matt back to New Ulm from Des Moines, look forward to seeing him in Minneapolis. WRC/Tundra company picnic. My car battery dies, and the CEO of my company pays for/replaces it- I begin to feel terrible that I will not be with them next year. Laurie turns 21. Help move Adem into new apartment.

September:
Classes begin again, C turns 20. I finish first mitten, begin second. Dinner out with Kristen and her mom. Missy runs TC marathon. I ride tandem bike with Kristen. Classes become very difficult, fast. Get new cell phone. Go to frat party with slip-n-slide. LAN party at Adem/Pat/Jordan/Mike's Becky's car gets towed. Go to New Ulm for Michael's birthday. Order bridesmaid's dress. Interviews begin. Start working regularly with Joe/Scott/Kyle.

October:
School, school, school. Begin sleeping as a hobby, become accustomed to 5 hr/night. Obtain research position with Dr. Macosko. Most personal issues resolved. Midterms start. Am offered two jobs, choose job at Ecolab. More interviews (prior to job-choosing). Get hockey tickets again as birthday present. Mom's birthday. Halloween party at Brian/Owen/Boof's.

November:
I turn 21, celebrate briefly. More midterms, tests, projects. Finish second mitten over Thanksgiving just in time for me to use it. Thanksgiving with family. I buy a Christmas tree for the apartment.

December:
Finals. I begin to wonder if I am lactose intolerant. Manage to survive end of semester, am truly happy for first time since May. C and I plan a secret santa gift exchange among our friends. Buy presents for friends, see holidazzle parade. Go home for Christmas, enjoy quiet Christmas at home with family. Play Guitar Hero III, Rockband, and Starcraft. Go to New Ulm for New Year's.

mems.

Break has gone by so quickly.
It was a total blast though, I got to see some old friends, and even made a few new ones- that I'll probably never see again, which is sad.
I did get to play starcraft for the first time! I felt so bad that I was so bad- I could tell that the guys were getting frustrated with me that I can't play, but I appreciated them not leaving me out to dry- especially when my camp spawned directly next to enemy camps for at least two games. One was so bad I had to move my entire camp.
I got Guitar Hero III for Christmas, and have nearly beaten it on the hard difficulty. Apparently this version is a lot harder than the past two- and I'm really noticing. I also played some Rock Band when I was home- I've managed to weasel my way out of singing so far, and I totally suck at drums. which you would think would be a little different considering I've had practice on those in real life. Well, some practice anyway.
I got to go to New Ulm over New Year's. Totally worth the five hour drive. I had a lot of fun, even though Matt thinks he totally bored the crap out of me- he didn't. not even close.
The semester eventually ended up great. I managed to finish everything that I needed to, and not too much pain was involved. I really need to stop complaining about things that suck- like school. The less I dwell on it, maybe the less it will suck?
My last day of work is tomorrow. At Tundra, anyway. Everyone keeps telling me there how much I'm going to hate working at Ecolab. They keep saying that I'm just going to be at a computer all day, etc- which is totally different from what I do now (well except for this past week, anyway... drr broken furnace..drr). I think its good that I'm finding out what its like to work in the corporate world now, before I devote my life to it. So if it sucks, it only sucks for like 12 weeks. Then no more Ecolab. If it doesn't suck, then yay I get a whole summer there. I'm thinking its not going to suck.
I'm really going to miss the guys there. It has been a total blast, and even though I didn't like it when they made me do monotonous monkey tasks- they were actually pretty well balanced with ones that were semi-important. I have a lot of memories, ones I know that I will either never get to empathize with anyone to or ones that no one else finds interesting/cares about. They make me happy, anyway.
School starts in 5 days! and one class is canceled already- w00t!

blog? what?

Yeah, its been a while. I just do not have time. I barely sleep anymore.
I think Matt is starting to get frustrated that I don't spend any time with him. Now that things should be winding down, maybe I'll get to make things up to him.
Then again, looking at what I have to get done (and am currently procrastinating) maybe I'll just set up a microwave by my computer so that I don't have to take the time out of my day to physically get up and eat.
I can't believe I signed myself up for this. I think for the first time in my life I might not accomplish everything that I set out to do with the stunning success that I've experienced in the past without a lot of pain on my part. Balancing has gotten tough this year. I won't say I hate my life, but its starting to turn that way.
I'm glad things are starting to look better from this summer. Maybe I can be less moody and stressed now. I wish I could remember a time that my outlook on my life wasn't so shitty, but I can't.
angst..angst..angst..
I realize that I'm not the only one going through all this crap right now, but it's hard for me to believe that everyone is experiencing the same amount of work that I have when I go over to a certain apartment and everyone is playing zelda.
Not like I never play video games, it just seems that I don't get to do fun things like that as often as everyone else does. But maybe that's just the fact that the grass always looks greener on the other side. Or maybe I'm starting to classify sleep as something fun to do instead of a necessity.
I'm always tired. and I'm always in need of a hug.
I should see a psych. My OCD is getting worse. a lot worse. scary worse. I couldn't concentrate on a midterm in my class because I had a completely unfounded obsession that my car was getting towed. I did fine on the midterm, despite the anxiety, but its something I would rather live without. Maybe once my stress level drops below non-scary levels the OCD-ness will subside. For fuck's sake I'm color coordinating my apple jacks in the morning.
maybe I'll update with a happier note later, right now I just don't feel like it.

First Weekend

College started Tuesday. Things have been so hectic here, but they always are at the beginning of each new semester. I already have homework, which sucks, but fortunately it is not due until Friday. Unfortunately I've already started it and am probably doing it wrong. Guess that's what study groups are for, huh?
Can't wait to get the new phone. I have a feeling it may be a POS, but I know it will probably be better than a motorola anything. Yay Samsung.
Matt's been back a week, and I'm thrilled. Unfortunately, I already feel like I'm annoying him and his roommates.
Went to a frat party last night, they had a slip-n-slide. We were invited to the one that they will have next weekend (also with slip-n-slide). If I wasn't going to Hibbing... I wanted to get drunk really badly. Maybe next weekend. I always feel so awkward saying stuff like that. But it's fun. Matt is against it most of the time, which also makes me feel guilty for doing anything.
A lot of my friends are really hot/cold on the issue. On one day they'll say "yeah! let's go!" and then the next day they tell me that I should watch out, take someone with me, scary this, scary that, "I don't get drunk", "i don't want to go", etc. And yes, I know a lot of it is atmosphere. Maybe we'll see more when more of us turn 21.
I'm afraid that one day I'll look back on college and be like "gee, I wish I'd had a little more fun". Not that I don't. Its just that most of the time everyone is so damn serious.
Speaking of 'fun', there was a LAN party tonight that I attended. dramadramadramadramadrama.... and everyone gets so TENSE. How is that fun? really. It was fun to see people and everything, and play HALO (and suck at it!), but half of the people I talked to were in a pissy mood at some point in the night. And how fun is it to talk to people in pissy moods?
I guess my point is that one's mood reflects upon one's surroundings. How many people can be happy in a room where someone is crying? Extreme example, I know.
Tired. need sleep. Take it easy.

Pre-School

Last weekend, I drove to Iowa for the last time in a while to help Matt move back to New Ulm. Lets just say that my car is very relieved that it will not be making such long trips so frequently anymore. Matt agrees that he should have a car for next summer, and I'm relieved that he does. In a way, I didn't mind going to see him all the time- because that's the way it had to be. There really was no sane alternative to it. Also in a way, it totally sucked. The drive was 3.5 hours long, most of it through cornfields. I listened to a lot of books on CD, and music and such. My car totally took a beating. Most of the time I left work early to get there at a decent hour. And come home late on Sundays.
I'm glad that part of the summer is over.
The worst parts of my life seem to be looking better. I am so grateful, and wish that I could do more about it. I can't, and don't even feel like mentioning it to most people. I guess in a way I think they'll just betray me in some way if I tell them, which may or may not be ridiculous- depending on the person in question. Matt knows, and I trust him- my best friend here.
School starts Tuesday. I'm excited, but wary because I don't know if I finally bit off more than I can chew. Day at a time, soldier, day at a time. I'm really excited to get into my core curriculum here. Done with generals, I go yay.
I want Matt here. For purely selfish reasons. I can't wait until Sunday (when he moves here), but feel its redundant and pitiful to tell him so.
I think that I've finally felt that I might be important to someone else, and I like the feeling. First time I've ever felt like that about someone here. I don't want to be the center of anyone's life, but a little interest now and again is appreciated.
He's in the process of finishing a demo for a game he's programming. Honestly, how many people our age can program entire computer games? he's a humble genius. and dedicated too. He spends entire days working on it. He spent the entirety of this last week working on it. Except for one night that I know of, anyway.
I'm so happy for him

Oh Goodness Me

Wow. I learned today that a friend of mine was involved in a motorcycle accident on the Autobahn in Germany. I am so worried for him, and I'm praying for a quick recovery. A drunk driver hit him, fortunately he was wearing a helmet. His arm was severed below the elbow- they don't know if he will regain use of it.
The worst part about this is that I can't go see him. I would probably be in the way, anyway. I feel terrible that I haven't talked to him at all recently.
God will be with him, and I should be happy with that.
Please, everyone pray for him.

Sunshine in the Morning

Things have been looking a little better for me lately. I hope it stays that way. It should, most of the problems in my life have been either solved or have gotten better in some way or another.
The one that has been bothering me the most has not changed, however, and no- I'm still not going to talk about it.
I had an interesting conversation with my boss today about how he is going to help me out with something really important to me. I'm so excited and grateful.
I bought my first two books for class, and once I buy my organic lab books I'll be over $200 already. Can we say, "ouch"? I hate textbooks sometimes. Thank God for Amazon.com, and the used book sellers on there.
I actually bought mine new for half the price from them. yay.
Its still too much, however.
I went on vacation to Michigan, was very fun. Lots of driving, however it was way worth it to have Matt with me. We went on a picnic when I picked him up in Des Moines, and we stayed there that night (Wednesday), left early Thursday to Hibbing only to leave from Hibbing with my parents and our ginormous fifth wheel to some WalMart parking lot in Michigan. By the time we had gotten there it was like midnight (past my bedtime nowadays) and I really felt like a hick. Hick aside, I can see why WalMart lets campers stay in their parking lots, because Friday morning both of my parents went shopping for some forgotten goods. Friday we made it out to St. Ignace, and we spent the early afternoon with extended family, who I'm glad we saw. Later, Matt and I checked out the "Mystery Spot" where the gravitational pull is shifted to the East! In reality, we were on a hill, but in an enclosed area where they built everything tilted so your view of what was horizontal was skewed. It was cute, anyway. We then went to the beach on Lake Michigan, where the waves were amazing. We were out in the lake and the waves would topple us over, we even borrowed my cousin's boogie board and "caught" some waves. It was probably one of the most memorable moments- frolicking in the water with Matt.
My uncles and my cousin showed up not long after we were there, we had a lot of fun with them too. Saturday we went out to Mackinac Island on a ferry that took us under the bridge in celebration of its 50th anniversary. It was really neat to see it from the under side. I got some really great pictures of it, ones my uncle said were almost framing quality. yay! The island has not changed from when I remembered it. It was really neat to show Matt a glimpse of my past though. We later met my parents in Mackinac City where they took us shopping, although I don't think my Mom appreciates Matt's and my version of shopping compared to her own. She likes clothes and that kind of thing, Matt and I like to go to the toy store.
Sunday we left for a cute little campground near the border between Michigan and Wisconsin. There was a big park there and Matt and I stayed on the swings for a long time having a really deep conversation. Another favorite memory of mine.
Monday, we drove back to Hibbing so that Matt and I could drive to Minneapolis. While here we checked out the 35W bridge, or the remnants of it. I wanted to stay out of the way, yet get a good view- but I'm not sure that compromise exists. I got a few photos but I don't think it quite captures the deadly sereneness that permeates the area there. That is probably the weirdest thing- there is absolutely no activity where there used to be constant movement. It is also very precarious to see the cars perched delicately on those huge slabs of concrete.
We went back to my apartment, and a few friends came over to see him and hang out. It was nice to have him here, and was nice to cuddle at night. I really miss him.
Tuesday we drove back to Des Moines, I stayed there for a few hours, and I drove back home. Lots of driving, my poor car.
I told him next year he should get a car, and he agreed. That makes me happy, a little. I'm glad the distance is ending soon, I don't know if I could take it much longer, but it certainly has helped the time to pass by quickly. I only have a few more weeks of work! yay!
I have to get up early to cheer on C at the Gopher to Badger half marathon tomorrow- so I need some sleep.

Emo?

I just got my cartilage pierced. I'm kind of a huge fan right now, at least its distracting me a little.
Emo is such a strong word- angst maybe? Sorry if I don't have much to smile about, there is a lot of my life thats pretty screwed up right now. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just one thing, but doesn't it always seem that troubles come in hordes?
I also need to stop complaining. Buck up little soldier! God, I miss my father right now.
Saw the Simpson's movie tonight, I've seen a lot of movies over the past week- it seems the choice thing to do nowadays. It was very funny.
Parking is very close to being settled. Happy.
I've seen a lot of my friends lately too. Double happy. So happy to have them here. It will be more awesome when they're all here. Soon!
I'm going on vacation next week, starting Wednesday. In just a few days. I really need it right now, I think. But then again, who doesn't right now? I think I would be happier if I could just stay in Des Moines the whole time with Matt, but then I wouldn't get to see my extended family. I'm really glad he's coming, even if that means I have to go down to Iowa and get him. That drive is getting a little old, though.
I can't believe its almost August already. It seems like time flies by so quickly. I can't believe that I'll be 21 in about 3 months. Not like its going to change much, haha. I feel like I'm a bad influence on a few of my friends, though. I got Tyler to drink for the first time last night, now I can only think 'what have I done?' At least he had fun, I think. He wants to do it again, so it must not have been too terrible. I think Dan has drank before, so I don't feel so bad. And it was his beer haha. Alcohol makes people say things they shouldn't, and I did. At least the reaction was the same, and I probably learned some things I normally wouldn't have.
At least it wasn't too awkward today.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

So, a lot has happened- news-wise. My two best girl friends from Hibbing are getting married- both next summer. I'm really good friends with one of their fiancees, and was so thrilled to hear that they were engaged. Those two are really meant for each other. The other fiancee I've only talked to online, and I think he understands how lucky he is that he has her. And, as previously noted, my brother is also getting married to the woman of his dreams next summer as well. I am so happy for all three couples, and hope that I find the happiness that they share some day.
At the same time, I can't help thinking about marriage. I know that I'm not ready, nowhere near it. But at the same time it doesn't have that bite it used to. I may actually look forward to it someday.
The summer is coming to an end, I'm not sure if I'm relieved or sad. I like my job, however it will be nice to get back into the school thing. And I miss Matt way too much. On the other hand I won't get to see my family and friends in Hibbing so often soon either.
I will be excited to finally move into my apartment. This should happen in about a month, I think. Unfortunately, we only get 24 hours to switch apartments, so whatever moving that needs to be done needs to be done fast. ick.
Grandma Young died this month. I can't believe she's not with us any more. It used to be the largest reason we went back to Bay City. Its so far, and whenever we go someone always gets mad at us for not staying with them, seeing them long enough, etc. I don't think my extended family realizes how stressful they can make our vacations sometimes. But Grandma- she was happy for any time you were able to spend with her. Fred was by far her favorite great-grandchild, especially when he was younger. I'm surprised he took her death as well as he had. I'm happy she's with Grandpa now, and all the fish she could ever want to catch. I will always remember them whenever I go fishing or camping- it was their enthusiasm that drove our own, and I owe them for all the happy memories my family had while camping for starting the fever within us.
Today after work I started driving. just driving. In the general direction of home. Not sure why. Kind of like when I take a walk, but more expensive. I miss my walks at night. So much beauty in the night sky at home. No lights. Just God.

Pre-Fourth Activities

Goodness, its been a while, and a few things have happened.
For one, I am officially debt free. as of right now. Not like any one but me cares, but its exciting just the same. I want to celebrate, but there is nobody to do that with.
It just seems like there is never anybody around. Maybe I drive people away. Am I snobby? I don't mean to be. I'm blunt sometimes, and it comes off as bitchy. Maybe that's what bitchy is. Needless sharing of bad opinions. I'll work on it. I'll add it to the list of character defects I'm working on.
Grandma Young died. Last Wednesday. So sudden- got a call at work. Started to cry, its kind of amusing (now it is) how men react to a women crying- like "Its broken! Do something! Fix it!" /panic. So I got the rest of the week off, drove home. Drove to Michigan. Drove back. I need to do something about driving home though. There seems to be an evil stretch of highway that I drive on my way home from work that makes me cry most days. I think its because I recognize it whenever I drive past it, reminded where I started simultaneously bawling and driving, and then it makes me think of Grandma. Then I cry. Probably not safe.
Her funeral was cute. Like her. Very casual- very like her. Closed casket. She threatened my Grandma Kiesel (this was my Great Grandmother that died) that if "[my] kids open the casket on me I swear I'll sit up and wink at every one of 'em". Most people know my feelings on "reborn" or "modern" Christianity, which was the funeral service, so I'm going to leave off commenting on that. I cried. In front of people. How embarassing, second time it happened too. Didn't make it much better that while I was regaining my composure my well-meaining Aunts were trying to introduce me to 'Aunt soandso, and Uncle whatshisface'.
Couple weeks ago drove up north to cheer a friend running Grandma's Marathon. She is so inspiring- so strong, so happy. I am so honored to call her my friend. I took a few friends up there, one got heat stroke and was also allergic to Snickers. I feel SO bad... I know its not my fault, but I still feel like I could have done something more about it.
Had a surprise birthday party for a very good friend of mine tonight. I was so happy to see everyone there, and to hang out with everyone. Mostly I was happy we were having a party for this one particular friend. He's probably the closest friend I have here.
And of course, I still miss Matt. Like a lot. I don't ever see that changing. I see him in two weekends! And I really need a "hug" right now.