waiting for sunshine, or, what I've learned about myself over this past month

"Don't confuse me with those that cling to hope" -George Carlin

Seems fitting right now, on many fronts. I've used that quote before in this blog, and again I'll reiterate: it's one of my favorites. It describes me very well - I am not the kind of person who will sit idly by and wait for something to happen very easily. I try to pick up what I can and run with it, so that in the end I can say that I tried as hard as I could to make things go a certain way. Ideally, in the end, I'll have no regrets. I tried, gave 100%, and God did or didn't see fit to make it happen. I can be okay with that.

I have highs and lows like every normal person. I'm passionate, and (kinda) extroverted, so most people know when I'm having these highs and lows. Sometimes I force myself to take a step back and realize it's not all that great or bad, and everyone goes through the same shit day after day. Same shovel, new shit. Gotta dig. Buck up little soldier.

Am I going to die alone? Maybe. Will I have a loving husband? Maybe. Will I ever get a product all the way into the marketplace? Maybe. Will I quit (eventually) and get a phD? Maybe. Will I be happy? Maybe. Will I be rich? Maybe. Will I move to Germany? Maybe. Will I never leave the country again? Maybe. Will I ever have children? Maybe.

Maybe maybe maybe maybe. Man, how I hate that word. I'm impatient and I continuously want to fix problems, solve issues, and make friends with those that dislike me. I hate being disliked, I hate causing stress. Maybe just means that there isn't anything (more) I can do, and that frustrates me to no end. Maybe means I can influence the decision one way or another, but can also influence it in a way I do not like. Maybe is tenuous and fickle. I hate uncertainty. I even read the last page in most books before I reach the middle. I watch the movie before I read the book. I love the mechanism, but hate guessing the product. I like knowing my endpoints, and figuring out the journey to reach them. Perhaps this is why I can't sit down to a blank sheet of paper. Perhaps this is why I can only write lab reports on finished projects. Perhaps this is why I'm an engineer.

so, what happened?

Thinking back over the past year, I've realized how much I've changed. Pretty much every aspect of my life, except spiritually, I've done a near-180. For example, this time in 2008 I was struggling in a failing relationship, looking toward pursuing a phD in Chemical Engineering anywhere but here, recently highlighted my hair with blonde streaks, working in classes centered around the theory of chemical engineering, starting new research with no known publications, and had no married friends.
Now, two of my best friends are married, I have three publications, I'm not doing research at all, I'm working in classes centered around applications (i.e. labs) of chemical engineering, I have red hair (much to my parents chagrin), I have a job and will not be pursuing a phD, I'll be staying in Minnesota permanently, and I'm in a budding relationship with a new guy.
Just about everything that was important to my future and my life has changed. Amazing what a year can do to someone. And still, with all this change and ups and downs, this past year was better than the one prior. I hope I'm never depressed like that again.
One thing that has not changed, however, is my lack of sleep during the school year.
On one hand, I can't wait to graduate. On the other, I'm not ready. I'm ready to move on with my life, but I don't want all the bad that comes with that. I have a feeling that the next three and a half months are going to fly by me faster than the past three and a half years have. I'm dreading that a little- graduation is happening too soon.