i probably shouldnt be blogging now

here is a wonderful way to start a blog:
I'm tired, sad, and a little depressed.

Unfortunately, this is how I just started it. Matt left today to go home, I realize he lives there but I dont want him to leave me here, and I dont want to go there- I like my job too much.

There is a chance I will have my job through the school year. Not sure how I feel about that yet, but I guess I can make time for it, I've always been pretty good about doing that. With FVEM and research and now a job, who needs sleep anyway? It would be nice to see Matt and do other things once in a while too.

A quote my Dad always said that will always stick with me; "Buck up little soldier" and I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing that I will always remember when he said that to me. I guess it puts a new face on things: you can't change it so stop crying about it.

I've been reading a few of my friends' blogs. They seem to have such sucky lives right now, reading them usually make me happy or take my mind off of current matters, but the ones I've been reading are so depressing- "which job should I quit?", "I am stupid", and "I have no free time" seem to be the main issues right now- and not by just one of my friends- all three of these are in different blogs by my friends. I have these issues too- I think everyone does. Some of them put themselves in these positions, and I can understand why, getting a well-paying good experience job is so rare at this stage in our lives we often have to take a few crappy ones. If one (or two in some cases) good jobs open up and offer positions one would have to be half retarded to not take them, unfortunately this also means retaining a job previously committed to or take both nice jobs offered. This situation has plagued at least four of my friends and I'm baffled. I guess I didn't realize such a situation could be so widespread.

need.sleep.

Spring Break has just started. I didn't really want to leave the cities, but the dorms were creepily silent and I was happy to leave eventually. I do feel bad for the two guys there that I know are staying for the week by themselves.
The semester has been going suprisingly well. The movie project has come to a close, for the most part anyway. We still need to finish editing the beast and promote its ass. I'm in charge of getting the officers together and organizing a meeting concerning these issues. Also- I think we should have a party. something non-stressful. therefore, Mike can't plan it. lol.
Life has gone on as usual. I've become a little sleep deprived, but that is nothing new to me, and it's expected; considering my course load and the fact that I am, in fact, in college. By definition, I must be sleep deprived.
Today, I got to ride a taxi for the first time in a loooong time. It was pretty exhilarating. Thank you Laurie!! After I rode with her to the airport (our destination), there was a mob of women and girls waiting for the lightrail being coached on how to ride the light rail, the glories of the light rail, and how the world was going to end if they didn't get off at nicollet. I wondered if the women in the group (aduld women that seemed pretty capable of riding a train by themselves) could have handled it without the lesson on the light rail. I did think it was a little cute though.
The laboratory work I am doing is going suprisingly well. I am learning a lot, and much of it involves graduate level chemistry concepts. Hopefully this will help me in the long run...
I also got an interview for an internship in White Bear Lake!! I reeeaaallly hope this goes. Then I won't have to come back here for the summer. I also applied for a full time research job at the U over the summer- with Professor Stein. I guess I also have a good chance of getting that too. I just hope I dont have to come back here. But I also don't want to find somewhere to live. Difficult decisions...
I've only been in Hibbing for about 12 hours and I am already bored out of my mind. I can't believe how much Minneapolis grows on you until you come back only to be alienated from your hometown. I guess it would have helped a little if I had come back between now and winter break...
Northern Minnesota is like another place altogether from the city. Instead of never seeing a tree, you never see a home. Even the power lines are different (obv). However, it is home- even though I seem to have two now. Not that I can't cope. I don't grow attached to my surroundings really. Just give me somewhere to eat and sleep and do my homework- I'll make do with the rest.
It is getting late, however, and my lack of sleep is catching up with me...

....and we're back!

Finally recovering from the previous stupidity at the HCC dorms, Im back at college! I've been meeting a few people and I guess I even have a date for tomorrow night. That is one thing I really don't like about the way I act (okay there is a lot) but in this respect, I bounce back from relationships really quickly. I'm not a mope-around kind of girl. I guess.
Even still, I'm not totally positive I should be moving on this quickly. I mean, Jon and I were pretty serious- more serious than I've ever known. Then again, after seeing him over break, I'm positive that anything romantic is over for now. He is a great guy, and a great friend. I need to move on. Its not fair to let that color any judgement I have of any future guy.
Here's the catch, however- my past two relationships have been long distance. that's two out of three serious relationships I've had. Now- I'm in college- nobody lives in Hibbing! Its really a great thing- I hate Hibbing. But, when I look toward what might happen I just cringe inside because its going to end up long distance. It could be worse, however, I mean- it will only be long distance over the summer and maybe not even then- if all my hopes come true for this summer I wont have to go back I will get an internship here and never leave. So I'm basically scaring myself away from the prospect of a relationship just because I got screwed over in the past and theres a chance that its going to happen again.
Fuck it all- I'm through with thinking this shit out. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will. haha.
Besides my thoughts on men, College is great! I am so happy to be back here- the activity is back, homework (eww) is not too terrible as of yet, Im a lab monkey for credit, and I'm making new friends everyday.
The movie project is coming along- because I can't remember if I posted about it before I'm going to now (probably not haha). Mike started a student group here on campus that is suprisingly well-organized and productive. He asked me to be an officer and I agreed, telling him at the time that I would have little to no time to be such. He assured me that it was for administrative purposes and I could put as little or as much time into his group as I would like. Apparently his version of 'as little' is every weekend at his house. I know he's disappointed that I can't spend as much time as he would like on this project, and I'm disappointed in myself too. When I do something, I put every effort into it. Unfortunately my every effort can't be expended into two things at once. He also thinks that I dont like working on this. I'm not sure where he got that idea. In fact, he found most of this out because I told his roomate in confidence who then informed Mike. In his defence, I didnt say 'dont tell mike' but I guessed it was kind-of assumed. Not that I wasnt going to tell Mike- I just generally like to do it myself- not through another. Mostly because few people understand (okay make that zero) how I think or what I'm doing and why. Generally if someone hears something I said, it has been my experience that about 70% of the time it is either not what I meant or completely wrong. Therefore I figure some of that probability played into the fact that Mike now believes I'm depressed or something and hate everyone. so untrue.
I've been spending a bit of time with friends as well. well, when I'm not studying that is. I've come to appreciate the down time and it has actually worked to my benefit as a person to have this downtime. Its a well-known fact that I am not a nice person when stressed. The fact that I have this occasional down time makes me guilty, however. as if I should be doing something movie-related but I'm not. Guilt is not a great feeling. I dont understand why everyone else gets to have this downtime though, and not feel guilty about it.
Thursday I went to campus crusades again. I remember why I went. God has touched my life in so many ways since college started- I can't even describe the joy I have once I leave crusades or hope. Unfortunately, I havent been feeling crusades recently- too much flamboyant-ness. I, personally, worship God in a quiet-like manner. I love singing, however. The speaker last week made me angry as well. He basically told all of the students that they were not doing enough in God's name and that we were all lazy. and better than everyone else. I believe he has spoken before too- he offended me then too. he (im pretty sure it was him- anyway its happened on more than one occasion) said something to the effect "I was a good person- i went to church every Sunday with my parents..." Okay- what does this say? those that dont go to church regularily are not good people?? this means that I'm a bad person as well as my family and most of my closest friends. I was very offended, even though I knew that this statement was not meant for this context. I just hope that this man does not speak too much in the future otherwise I'm not sure I will be attending crusades much longer.
Its three thirty in the morning and I need sleep-
Take it easy!

break is almost over!

I have roughly five days left here in Hibbing, I am already starting the countdown.
I went to Duluth today, with the intention of seeing the movie The Producers. The road conditions were bad, but I survived. The movie itself was very funny, and it had great music. I played a few selections from the movie with the Mesabi Comunity Band in Virginia, back in the day, but it was really great to hear them actually in use. I miss playing with them... fortunately I am joining the Campus Band next semester at the U so at least I will get my clarinet playing fix haha. I'm actually suprised how much i miss playing an instrument often.
Jon left for college this morning. I believe that things are going well with us, we will be good friends. I am very happy of this and have no regrets. He is a great guy.
Travelling in the car with my friends today was a very interesting experience, we listened to Gwen Stafani on full blast while my other two friends tried (and succeeded!) to rock the top-heavy blazer back and forth at various stop signs in Duluth... If only I had a video camera...
Geez, I am really going to miss my friends
Recently I have become involved with a group that Mike started, called FTNV- its run through the University of Minnesota to create and teach people how to create all aspects of movies. The short term goals of the group involve three movies within the next three months. This seems very daunting, but the first two will be about five minutes long, each, and the third will run about ten minutes. We already have scrips and a website- I feel almost as if I've done nothing to forward the progress of the group, however. It seems that everyone has some project to work on, where I am mostly researching so that I know what the heck is going on. Lately, however I have been researching on how to synthesize a likeness of 'Greek Fire'- basically a sticky extremely flammable resin that resembles napalm. I have been having a bit of fun lighting a few select household items on fire- cleaners and whatnot. I have found that cleaners with citrus oil-orange oil specifically- burn the best on camera. also bugspray is great. Another part of Greek Fire is that when it is hurled, it casts a tail behind it, basically drops of the Greek Fire itself. I am currently attempting to synthesisze this, and I am nearly at a loss. Kerosene was brought up to me, but I am not sure, due to the viscocity of Kerosene (very low) that it will work. There is also the fact that I have to light it on fire, most likely without permission from my parents to light things on fire on their property... :S Apparently if you can dissolve soap in anything it burns longer. Also anti-bacterial hand soap is supposed to burn like napalm. Any way, I will have to see about these things.
I just hope something works...