Home for the Holidays

The semester wrapped up nicely, it looks like I'm still in the running to graduate in May- which was questionable for a while.
Like I said before, I finished what I came to do, but it took a lot of hard work on my part. Not really something I'm afraid of.
One semester left. Getting nervous. Not sure if I'm ready for this whole "real world" thing. Seems like a lot of responsibility that I don't want. Suddenly, I realize why I wanted to go to grad school. Postpone the hard life.
I paid my second cell phone bill yesterday. Not sure why that is a milestone for me, but it is. I guess with each new bill I have to pay I feel a little bit more independent from my parents, feel less like their kid and more like a real person in the world.
I put myself in charge of Christmas Eve hors d'oeuvres. A lot more challenging than in past years when we would just sit around and eat cookies, since we will not be having Christmas cookies this year. I might be a rebel and bake something anyway, despite my parents wishes. As long as Fred eats them all, they'll be fine. I'm thinking on the docket will be chicken quesadillas, spinach and artichoke dip, a cheese ball, and ham roll ups. Possibly roasted mixed nuts and veggies and dip too, we'll see what I have time and budget for. I dunno, it just doesn't seem like Christmas without cookies. We'll see.
Parents got a snowmobile recently. I got to ride it, and got it stuck within five minutes. Go me. Fortunately, they're not that heavy, and I was able to push it back onto the road. Those things are FAST! I got up to about 35-40 mph before needing to slow down because the snow was hitting my face so hard that it was starting to get cold and painful. I feel like I can finally be accepted as a northern Minnesotan once I go ice fishing. Which might happen over this break- it would have happened yesterday, but the ice is really crappy on the lake by my house.
There is a Caribou coffee in Hibbing, only two years old. I thought that Hibbing was trying to appeal to the younger crowds and finally provide us with something to do besides loiter in Wal Mart, and that it would never be accepted completely by the city- it would forever remain Hibbing's attempt at metro culture. Yesterday evening, while I was waiting for an old friend, sitting across from me at a table were four old men, wearing carhart jackets, drinking coffee and talking about fishing, as if this were a Sunday afternoon at Sportsman's. I realized then, that it's not that Hibbing needed to adopt Caribou, but that Caribou needed to adopt Hibbing. It made me smile, as this is probably not something I would never see in Minneapolis.

End of Semester

I feel a little frustrated with myself right now. The semester is (basically) done, and I feel like I have nothing and everything to celebrate. I finally get to sleep, and have little to no work left for the rest of the semester. I have a job that I can't celebrate having because it pisses people off that I have a job, and I'm caught in an emotional turmoil that I'm angry at myself that I cannot overcome. I also really really want to play video games.
It started a while ago when I was playing "Overlord" on my friend's XBox. It was amazing, and made me remember how much I loved playing video games in high school (for those of you who didn't know me then, it was a lot more often than you probably think). Lately it's been something I do when I'm bored (rarely) and not actually something I look forward to anymore. I think I finally figured out why.
This morning I asked one of my friends if I would like Left 4 Dead. Instead of, "yeah" or "no" (the obvious answers) I got a disdainful look and a remark about how my PC probably couldn't play it (by the way, it can- it's not THAT old... yeesh.). It's not just this particular person in general, but it pretty much characterizes how most of my college friends feel about me playing video games. "oh look, Beth is trying to fit in again, how cute."
...
I don't think they realize how much it frustrates/angers/saddens me to the point where if I were to get something that I would play regularly, I don't feel comfortable telling any of them about it. So what, I'm not obsessed. Never was. But last time I checked, that doesn't mean I can't play at all.
And it just so happens that killing zombies may be up my alley. How would I know? I've never tried. I'm too self-conscious to do so.
I feel like if I get this game, I'm going to look like a poser trying to fit in with my friends that play video games (so... about 2/3 of them). But why should I not, if it's something I genuinely want to try? Not telling them would be the best option for me, however impossible given my circumstances.

The English Patient and Thoughts on a Hectic Life

I forgot how rewarding it feels to finish an outline of a large paper. I just finished one for a paper that I need to write, after reading only three of my sources. Honestly, I feel really good about it, like I've accomplished something, that I've set out to finish what seemed like an impossible task.

the trick is to have the stupid thing written today... ugh. I really don't want to write 6 pages on the identity of the English Patient. Even though I did enjoy the story.

Everything else is going crazy. I literally sleep in my free time. I talk to friends while I'm doing homework, so I have some type of social life. My existence is defined by school. Probably the story of any other college student, I'm aware.

I guess that's not completely true, I do have some semblance of free time. Lately, I've just needed to spend it on job-related things- which should be just about over, now.

Halloween this weekend. If I don't dress up, I believe it will be the first Halloween that I have not dressed up. Not that it should be a big deal or anything, but just a fact of life. I haven't been blindsided with inspiration, and do not plan on trick-or-canning or entering a costume contest in a mass ticket with about forty of my friends. I love dressing up, when it's something original. This year I'll go as a chemical engineer. A farce, if you've seen my grades lately.

If this is what I should do with my life, I'll do it. I trust enough in God that he'll get me through this. A little hard work, faith, and determination. And by little, I might mean lots.

Elections are coming up, everyone figuring out who they're voting for in a week. TV is saturated with it. It makes me sick, especially because I like neither candidate, and a vote for anyone else would be throwing it away. Ron Popeil for President! Fix it and Forget it.

I've heard several times that America might not be ready for a black President. Quite honestly, what makes people believe that we're ready for a woman President either? The trend in our nation is to allow black men rights before any women (e.g. suffrage), why should our elected be different? Quite honestly, sexism has been around for eons longer than racism against blacks. And neither are removed from our society either, I realize, but I don't see the point in arguing against Obama just because "America isn't ready". America is very ready for a black President- hell, the UK had a black prime minister! We have a black secretary of state! And guess what- not assasinated.

Not that i'm pro-Obama. I'm non-partisan, and like I said before, favor neither candidate. I realize I'm going to have to make up my mind soon, but it's not going to be easy. It might get easier if Palin is allowed to keep speaking publicly... that might confirm that I really don't want to cast a vote that may put her in a position of any public power whatsoever. "nucular". ugh.

Today was a Good Day.

Pause....

Breathe.

ok, now back to your regularily scheduled programming.

Today was interesting. I freaked out about doing something that I wanted to but probably shouldn't have. I called Krysti who says its okay. Therefore: I feel much better.

Got to see an old friend from the floor last year, and spent a lot of time in my old dorm today. It was nice to see old friends. Later went out to a "sing-a-long" and saw more old friends. And some new ones too. All in all, a great night.

Not looking forward to finals week. Which starts like now. I'm glad I learned it the first time around, but it sucks to review, especially when there are more fun things I can be doing.

I wore shorts today. Completely out of my comfort zone- I don't like my legs. I also played Frisbee in the rain in them, which was a very cold experience. I warmed up pretty quickly though, I have thick skin.

I can't believe it's 1 AM already, time flew by way too fast today. It was nice to catch a break before the craziness of next week begins, and as usual, I'll keep ya updated!

April Fool's!

So I just figured out my schedule for next semester- I'm happy with how it's turned out, even though I will have a sucky 8AM lab, but I've done those before! so hah! take that Chem. E.! (go Physics?)
I'm having a strange night with no homework, and absolutely no motivation to do anything. Lately my life has just seemed on track. This only means one thing- hell is about to break loose and unleash its fury on my life. Something big is about to happen.
Enormously great news yesterday from the research that I've been doing, however no one wants to celebrate with me. Sadness. Am I that big of a bitch?
no. seriously. am I?
I'm in a strange mood tonight- like forlorn mixed with content.
I also ruined a pair of jeans today. Fortunately they were my least favorite pair.
It was Matt's birthday on Saturday. I think he had fun-he got mad at me because I apparently 'spoiled' him, which I didn't. He kept finding the good in situations, and exclaiming that they were so because it was his birthday. This made me smile for pretty much the entire night.
I made an offer I will have to back out on. A few weeks ago, I told C that I would start a Flickr 365 project with her in June (for moral support). After thinking further about the subject, I realized that not only do I dislike being the subject of pictures, but also this blog is probably stretching my limits as far as comfort zones go, and that's only because I've been blogging for nearly 4 years now, and I like to convince myself that no one reads it anyway.
I have to wonder though, what happens at day 366(or 367 for the leap year)? Is it a feeling of accomplishment or emptiness? I suppose it would be different for everyone, but I would imagine after taking a photograph of yourself for an entire year, it may become second nature or a part of the daily routine. On the other hand, it is an enormous accomplishment to have kept with something for so long, imo.
Maybe I'll quiz people once they finish.

First Full Week

Back at it again-school. Surprisingly, the workload seems much more reasonable than last semester. But because I just said (well, typed) that its going to get bad, fast. So far, here is a brief rundown of the classes that I have:

Numerical Methods- pretty much Matlab for the sake of doing Matlab. So far pretty easy, but considering that I'm terrible with computers, once we get through the mind-boggling easy stuff we're going through right now (think doing gaussian elimination on matrices by hand), it will get more difficult.

Reactor Design- It's been told to me that Professor McCormick has eye lasers, but is too nice to use them. I heartily agree, and also believe that he can send them over email. As for the actual class, once we're done reviewing a combination of reaction kinetics and thermodynamics, the class will be much more difficult- but it's not easy to begin with. ick.


Mass Transport- a.k.a. diffusion, transport 2. Pretty much transport phenomena. again. I really like Professor Dautidis, crazy Greek.

Analytical Chemistry- the lecture section of this class is very boring, but the professor makes it oddly interesting. I am not looking forward to lab starting in this class, however. I've heard horror stories of 20 page lab reports and all-nighters.

Drawing- If I didn't suck at drawing and was a little less impatient, then I would absolutely love this class. Right now, I look forward to doing the homework, and hate doing it about halfway through it. Great stress reliever, however, and I feel kinda special carrying my huge portfolio across campus every Tuesday evening.

Research- Has not started yet really, and that is totally my fault. I need to finish the book Hari gave me to read before I start, I've had it a week. In my defense, its a huge book and is really really boring. Like a textbook. The actual experimentation stuff sounds great, can't wait to start, but I can wait to finish the book.

Okay, so that's the rundown of the semester to be. I also hope to be more involved in SWE and AIChE, but we'll see how that turns out. Its so hard for me to go to those events knowing that I will not really know anyone else at them. Also- as for SWE meetings, I swear they take copies of my calendar so they can know the most inconvenient time to have a meeting for me and plan it then. the last meeting I was actually able to attend. This also equaled my meeting attendance for the entire Fall semester. I also need to go to church more often than I have been.

I really want to give Matt his Valentine's Day present. Mostly because then I will be able to enjoy it too.

I am also totally bummed NoDak beat us in hockey last night. I'm watching tonight via television- hopefully tonight's game will be different. Also attended a glorious bash at a friend's house last night, which was fun beyond description. I learned that talent in guitar hero = exp(-Blood Alcohol concentration). I am also freakishly without hangover despite my lack of water drinking last night.

First Weekend

College started Tuesday. Things have been so hectic here, but they always are at the beginning of each new semester. I already have homework, which sucks, but fortunately it is not due until Friday. Unfortunately I've already started it and am probably doing it wrong. Guess that's what study groups are for, huh?
Can't wait to get the new phone. I have a feeling it may be a POS, but I know it will probably be better than a motorola anything. Yay Samsung.
Matt's been back a week, and I'm thrilled. Unfortunately, I already feel like I'm annoying him and his roommates.
Went to a frat party last night, they had a slip-n-slide. We were invited to the one that they will have next weekend (also with slip-n-slide). If I wasn't going to Hibbing... I wanted to get drunk really badly. Maybe next weekend. I always feel so awkward saying stuff like that. But it's fun. Matt is against it most of the time, which also makes me feel guilty for doing anything.
A lot of my friends are really hot/cold on the issue. On one day they'll say "yeah! let's go!" and then the next day they tell me that I should watch out, take someone with me, scary this, scary that, "I don't get drunk", "i don't want to go", etc. And yes, I know a lot of it is atmosphere. Maybe we'll see more when more of us turn 21.
I'm afraid that one day I'll look back on college and be like "gee, I wish I'd had a little more fun". Not that I don't. Its just that most of the time everyone is so damn serious.
Speaking of 'fun', there was a LAN party tonight that I attended. dramadramadramadramadrama.... and everyone gets so TENSE. How is that fun? really. It was fun to see people and everything, and play HALO (and suck at it!), but half of the people I talked to were in a pissy mood at some point in the night. And how fun is it to talk to people in pissy moods?
I guess my point is that one's mood reflects upon one's surroundings. How many people can be happy in a room where someone is crying? Extreme example, I know.
Tired. need sleep. Take it easy.

Sunshine in the Morning

Things have been looking a little better for me lately. I hope it stays that way. It should, most of the problems in my life have been either solved or have gotten better in some way or another.
The one that has been bothering me the most has not changed, however, and no- I'm still not going to talk about it.
I had an interesting conversation with my boss today about how he is going to help me out with something really important to me. I'm so excited and grateful.
I bought my first two books for class, and once I buy my organic lab books I'll be over $200 already. Can we say, "ouch"? I hate textbooks sometimes. Thank God for Amazon.com, and the used book sellers on there.
I actually bought mine new for half the price from them. yay.
Its still too much, however.
I went on vacation to Michigan, was very fun. Lots of driving, however it was way worth it to have Matt with me. We went on a picnic when I picked him up in Des Moines, and we stayed there that night (Wednesday), left early Thursday to Hibbing only to leave from Hibbing with my parents and our ginormous fifth wheel to some WalMart parking lot in Michigan. By the time we had gotten there it was like midnight (past my bedtime nowadays) and I really felt like a hick. Hick aside, I can see why WalMart lets campers stay in their parking lots, because Friday morning both of my parents went shopping for some forgotten goods. Friday we made it out to St. Ignace, and we spent the early afternoon with extended family, who I'm glad we saw. Later, Matt and I checked out the "Mystery Spot" where the gravitational pull is shifted to the East! In reality, we were on a hill, but in an enclosed area where they built everything tilted so your view of what was horizontal was skewed. It was cute, anyway. We then went to the beach on Lake Michigan, where the waves were amazing. We were out in the lake and the waves would topple us over, we even borrowed my cousin's boogie board and "caught" some waves. It was probably one of the most memorable moments- frolicking in the water with Matt.
My uncles and my cousin showed up not long after we were there, we had a lot of fun with them too. Saturday we went out to Mackinac Island on a ferry that took us under the bridge in celebration of its 50th anniversary. It was really neat to see it from the under side. I got some really great pictures of it, ones my uncle said were almost framing quality. yay! The island has not changed from when I remembered it. It was really neat to show Matt a glimpse of my past though. We later met my parents in Mackinac City where they took us shopping, although I don't think my Mom appreciates Matt's and my version of shopping compared to her own. She likes clothes and that kind of thing, Matt and I like to go to the toy store.
Sunday we left for a cute little campground near the border between Michigan and Wisconsin. There was a big park there and Matt and I stayed on the swings for a long time having a really deep conversation. Another favorite memory of mine.
Monday, we drove back to Hibbing so that Matt and I could drive to Minneapolis. While here we checked out the 35W bridge, or the remnants of it. I wanted to stay out of the way, yet get a good view- but I'm not sure that compromise exists. I got a few photos but I don't think it quite captures the deadly sereneness that permeates the area there. That is probably the weirdest thing- there is absolutely no activity where there used to be constant movement. It is also very precarious to see the cars perched delicately on those huge slabs of concrete.
We went back to my apartment, and a few friends came over to see him and hang out. It was nice to have him here, and was nice to cuddle at night. I really miss him.
Tuesday we drove back to Des Moines, I stayed there for a few hours, and I drove back home. Lots of driving, my poor car.
I told him next year he should get a car, and he agreed. That makes me happy, a little. I'm glad the distance is ending soon, I don't know if I could take it much longer, but it certainly has helped the time to pass by quickly. I only have a few more weeks of work! yay!
I have to get up early to cheer on C at the Gopher to Badger half marathon tomorrow- so I need some sleep.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

So, a lot has happened- news-wise. My two best girl friends from Hibbing are getting married- both next summer. I'm really good friends with one of their fiancees, and was so thrilled to hear that they were engaged. Those two are really meant for each other. The other fiancee I've only talked to online, and I think he understands how lucky he is that he has her. And, as previously noted, my brother is also getting married to the woman of his dreams next summer as well. I am so happy for all three couples, and hope that I find the happiness that they share some day.
At the same time, I can't help thinking about marriage. I know that I'm not ready, nowhere near it. But at the same time it doesn't have that bite it used to. I may actually look forward to it someday.
The summer is coming to an end, I'm not sure if I'm relieved or sad. I like my job, however it will be nice to get back into the school thing. And I miss Matt way too much. On the other hand I won't get to see my family and friends in Hibbing so often soon either.
I will be excited to finally move into my apartment. This should happen in about a month, I think. Unfortunately, we only get 24 hours to switch apartments, so whatever moving that needs to be done needs to be done fast. ick.
Grandma Young died this month. I can't believe she's not with us any more. It used to be the largest reason we went back to Bay City. Its so far, and whenever we go someone always gets mad at us for not staying with them, seeing them long enough, etc. I don't think my extended family realizes how stressful they can make our vacations sometimes. But Grandma- she was happy for any time you were able to spend with her. Fred was by far her favorite great-grandchild, especially when he was younger. I'm surprised he took her death as well as he had. I'm happy she's with Grandpa now, and all the fish she could ever want to catch. I will always remember them whenever I go fishing or camping- it was their enthusiasm that drove our own, and I owe them for all the happy memories my family had while camping for starting the fever within us.
Today after work I started driving. just driving. In the general direction of home. Not sure why. Kind of like when I take a walk, but more expensive. I miss my walks at night. So much beauty in the night sky at home. No lights. Just God.

Vagabond Pineapple

Vagabond Pineapple. One of my better aliases. MSN generated, but Beth approved.
Yay for college. Again, sorry its been a while. Life seems to have caught up with me and drug me along with it just like my dad drags me along in the boat when I go tubing.
I'm getting really sick of living here. The apartment next year shall be grand. I need a change of pace or something. Preferably slower.
Speaking of the apartment- I am very excited. To be able to have my own kitchen... well... one I share with three other girls anyway. To be able to come home late... and still be able to eat! To have non-UDS food. To decorate for holidays. To make our own rules. To go grocery shopping for things that aren't soup and water. To be able to decorate in general. To have a teeny bit more space. To live with the best girls that I've met down here. minus a few, of course- I mean, who would want to live in an apartment of 8 people? that's outrageous!
We originally applied for a five person apartment. In early November. We finally heard back in late January, only to hear that we didn't get it. However, one of our friends that applied after we did got a five person apartment. How does this work? I don't know. So now we had to pretty much leave one girl stranded and downsize. The only fortunate thing about this is that she will be studying abroad next spring, and would only need the apartment for fall semester. I still feel terrible about this, and the future landlady I've tried to contact will not answer my questions on the matter.
Then again, I guess I've never really lived life all that slowly. Looking back at high school I don't really regret not having time for myself, however. I guess it made the bad parts pass all that more quickly. I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had more time.
I miss my friends in Hibbing.
I'm going to California in a month! Having never been outside the midwest, one of my life goals is to see the ocean. Perhaps one day I will make a list of things to do before I die, but that seems so mortal and gloomy. California is going to be very exciting. Just buying the ticket I got an adrenaline rush comparable to finishing my last final of a semester.
Speaking of class in one semester I will never take chemistry or math again. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. Also- next semester, I will wish that I did have to take math or physics again because its apparently super difficult.
I am thoroughly enjoying the internship, on the other hand. I know why I want to be a chemical engineer. I think its the work environment.
Took a trip to New Ulm this past weekend. We surprised Michael (his younger brother) and brought him to St. Paul to see one of his favorite wrestlers. Driving 400 miles was totally worth the surprised look on Michael's face. Also- I think its important that he would be able to meet one of his idols. Living in the boonies as I did growing up, I was never able to actually meet a celebrity until I went to the warped tour after 11th grade. Yeah, admitting to have met the types of celebrities I liked then would be an embarrassment now, but then it would have mattered a big deal to me.
Have to get my license plate tags renewed. Have no idea where to do that. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll ask the guys in the lab. They're grad students. Married (most). and probably have vehicles.
Its been a year with Matt. An amazing year, so much has happened. I won't drone on lest I make everyone ill.
Driving home over winter break, it started to snow. Because it was the first time it had really snowed this winter, at first I was happy, then sad to realize that I would be driving through it. I love to watch snow fall. Anyway, while driving, I noticed a huge patch of I-35 S was closed off. A few miles later- I saw a semi in the ditch, the front half slightly mangled. A tire in the middle of the road. and a black pancake. I think it used to be a car- was then about 3 feet high. If they lived it would have been a miracle. Its kind of like I saw someone die. but not really. So I said a quick prayer for the souls of the victims of the accident. kind of a morbid thought- thats probably the closest I've been to God recently.
and it made me kind of sad.

College is around the corner

I can't wait to move back to college. I'm ready for a change of pace.

What is very annoying is that I had a long well-thought-out rant on pretty much everything for the past two weeks. and then my hand hit my mouse pad on my laptop and navigated away from the page and I lost everything. Now I can't remember anything I typed before.

I was able to go to Hibbing last weekend. I find that the more I am away from the place the more I miss it. I might actually look forward to going back one day. It was nice to see my parents and brother and old friends. Matt Stonich, a friend of mine, leaves for the Air Force soon. He plans on driving jets, I wish him luck and safeness, and I will definitely worry for him, just like I do with Nosie (Navy). I was able to see Grant for the first time this summer, I have had bad timing every other time I've been home. I played guitar hero on the PS2 and it was as amazing as I have heard it could be.

Krysti transferred to UND from the U of MN. Man, am I going to miss her. I hope she does well, and I know she will in whatever she chooses to do.

Grant only has one year left and then he is done with school for good, it sounds like. Good for him, albeit a little scary that my friends are starting to finish their schooling. Trav starts his first year this year, I am so happy for him. Erica and Herrboldt are doing the HCC thing again for another year, and it sounds like my brother's girlfriend will be taking the year off. Good luck to them all, however I miss them too much.

Trav and Erica saw me a few weeks ago- we went to Valleyfair and the Mall of America. Matt came up from New Ulm and went too. It was overall a great weekend, but I think I'm starting to get a little old for Valleyfair. Even though I've only been there twice now. Matt and I had a caricature done. It ended up turning out really cute, the person drawing it had really bright blue eyes. His name was Antwon, he was amazing, and Matt and I are positive the caricature was worth staring at Antwon draw.

Work is fine, I can't complain. Apparently I work too much, personally I think I can't work enough. I will be able to keep the job over the school year, so we will see how the semester goes. Maybe I will sleep on weekends...

Living here over the summer has made me realize two things about myself: I should get married one day, and I probably shouldn't live in a large city. Having Mike's house completely to myself for pretty much two weeks made me so lonely and depressed. I don't like the feeling, and it made me realize that I need companionship. I definitely wouldn't want to live in a large city because people drive like idiots. This and everyone is packed into every nook and cranny like sardines. I'm sorry, I really need my space. I don't like people that much. When I want to go shopping I don't want twelve other people staring over my shoulder. When I go to work and drive 20 miles on a freeway, it shouldn't take 45 minutes. Yet these things happen in high population areas. Therefore, one day I will leave and live in a smaller town. Probably about the size of Duluth. I like Duluth.

As for the rest of my life, it goes by as usual. I miss Matt entirely too much, I can't wait to see all of my friends again, and I can't wait to see my parents this weekend when my brother moves into his apartment in St.Paul. And I want to see Snakes on a Plane. I don't care how cheesy it is.

Ramblings

Summer is almost over, six weeks left.

I like Summer and everything, but I'm ready for school to start again. It really sucks when the ones you love most are at least 100 miles away. Oh yeah, thanks Bush. Gas prices SUCK.

How is it that I'm working my ass off 40+ hours a week and I find myself completely broke?

We set up a 18-foot tall crystallizer today. So many people tell me that my summer is 'more productive' than the rest of my classmates. How can they know? They don't know my classmates. I go to school with a crapload of fricking Einstein children. They probably read textbooks in their freetime.

I guess it depends on your definition of 'more productive'

Matt and I have been going out for six months. He bought me a necklace. Nobody has ever done that for me. Its from a jewlery store- I really really hope he didn't spend too much on me, I already figure its way more than I've spent on him. I know 'its not the gift its the thought' or whatever, but I feel really really guilty when there is such a huge price difference.

On a happy note, we have been able to see each other fairly regularily. It really has made the Summer pass more quickly. Time goes by too fast when I see him, though. I miss him now.

Cassi's wedding was pretty fun. The relatives kept asking me about Matt. Ellie came. I was ignored for the most part, less than usual however. My Uncle was concerned about underage drinking. I was wondering what he expected: Cassi just turned 20, all of her friends are 19/20, she has two younger sisters who also had friends there, her husband is 20, his friends are 20. The only legal ones there were my Aunts and Uncles and her older brother. Obviously underage drinking would be a problem.

It was really great to see relatives and everyone, but it was great to be back here too. This was the first time I've flown in a long time, and the first time by myself. It was an awesome experience, and I can't wait to do it again.

Trav and Erica are coming down to see me in a week and a half. I can't wait. I guess some other Hibbing-ites might come. I think if they do, we should look at hotel rooms. I would feel really bad if I had a mini-party here while the Kaedings were gone and trusting me with their house. If it was my own house I probably wouldn't have a problem with it. I barely know these people, and would feel really really bad if too many people stayed here- it just looks wrong. As if I'm having a party when I'm really not.

Its over!

Freshman year at the University of Minnesota is officially over! I can 't believe how much has changed since last September. I've met so many people and I think I've matured a little along the way.
Matt leaves today, I leave tomorrow. After this, its very probable that it will be over a month before I see him again. After three failed attempts in long distance relationships, this doesn't look promising- except that the seperation ENDS! This and the fact that three months can pass faster than one would think, especially if the said months are in the summer, make me realize that we can do this, and it (hopefully) won't be as terrible as it sounds.
He is meeting the family in a month, at Fred's grad party. I feel bad, I'm springing most of my extended family, my brother, and Hibbing on him at the same time. Good thing he is really easy-going, I just hope he still likes me when its all over :E
I've also learned a lot. Wow, imagine going to college and learning a few things! I'm really going to miss everyone here- all the people on my floor are like one big family. Next year though, we will still be in the same vicinity, which will be different, yet the same. I'm rooming with the same girl next year, I'm really happy I got such a great roomate. Seeing some of the people on the floor that I could have ended up with, I realize that my roomate and I are probably the best match for each other.
I start work on Monday, I move into Mike's house tomorrow. I am really excited for both adventures, but I don't know what time I start working on Monday yet...
I will for sure keep you updated on my adventures over the summer, there is bound to be quite a few-
until then!

....and we're back!

Finally recovering from the previous stupidity at the HCC dorms, Im back at college! I've been meeting a few people and I guess I even have a date for tomorrow night. That is one thing I really don't like about the way I act (okay there is a lot) but in this respect, I bounce back from relationships really quickly. I'm not a mope-around kind of girl. I guess.
Even still, I'm not totally positive I should be moving on this quickly. I mean, Jon and I were pretty serious- more serious than I've ever known. Then again, after seeing him over break, I'm positive that anything romantic is over for now. He is a great guy, and a great friend. I need to move on. Its not fair to let that color any judgement I have of any future guy.
Here's the catch, however- my past two relationships have been long distance. that's two out of three serious relationships I've had. Now- I'm in college- nobody lives in Hibbing! Its really a great thing- I hate Hibbing. But, when I look toward what might happen I just cringe inside because its going to end up long distance. It could be worse, however, I mean- it will only be long distance over the summer and maybe not even then- if all my hopes come true for this summer I wont have to go back I will get an internship here and never leave. So I'm basically scaring myself away from the prospect of a relationship just because I got screwed over in the past and theres a chance that its going to happen again.
Fuck it all- I'm through with thinking this shit out. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will. haha.
Besides my thoughts on men, College is great! I am so happy to be back here- the activity is back, homework (eww) is not too terrible as of yet, Im a lab monkey for credit, and I'm making new friends everyday.
The movie project is coming along- because I can't remember if I posted about it before I'm going to now (probably not haha). Mike started a student group here on campus that is suprisingly well-organized and productive. He asked me to be an officer and I agreed, telling him at the time that I would have little to no time to be such. He assured me that it was for administrative purposes and I could put as little or as much time into his group as I would like. Apparently his version of 'as little' is every weekend at his house. I know he's disappointed that I can't spend as much time as he would like on this project, and I'm disappointed in myself too. When I do something, I put every effort into it. Unfortunately my every effort can't be expended into two things at once. He also thinks that I dont like working on this. I'm not sure where he got that idea. In fact, he found most of this out because I told his roomate in confidence who then informed Mike. In his defence, I didnt say 'dont tell mike' but I guessed it was kind-of assumed. Not that I wasnt going to tell Mike- I just generally like to do it myself- not through another. Mostly because few people understand (okay make that zero) how I think or what I'm doing and why. Generally if someone hears something I said, it has been my experience that about 70% of the time it is either not what I meant or completely wrong. Therefore I figure some of that probability played into the fact that Mike now believes I'm depressed or something and hate everyone. so untrue.
I've been spending a bit of time with friends as well. well, when I'm not studying that is. I've come to appreciate the down time and it has actually worked to my benefit as a person to have this downtime. Its a well-known fact that I am not a nice person when stressed. The fact that I have this occasional down time makes me guilty, however. as if I should be doing something movie-related but I'm not. Guilt is not a great feeling. I dont understand why everyone else gets to have this downtime though, and not feel guilty about it.
Thursday I went to campus crusades again. I remember why I went. God has touched my life in so many ways since college started- I can't even describe the joy I have once I leave crusades or hope. Unfortunately, I havent been feeling crusades recently- too much flamboyant-ness. I, personally, worship God in a quiet-like manner. I love singing, however. The speaker last week made me angry as well. He basically told all of the students that they were not doing enough in God's name and that we were all lazy. and better than everyone else. I believe he has spoken before too- he offended me then too. he (im pretty sure it was him- anyway its happened on more than one occasion) said something to the effect "I was a good person- i went to church every Sunday with my parents..." Okay- what does this say? those that dont go to church regularily are not good people?? this means that I'm a bad person as well as my family and most of my closest friends. I was very offended, even though I knew that this statement was not meant for this context. I just hope that this man does not speak too much in the future otherwise I'm not sure I will be attending crusades much longer.
Its three thirty in the morning and I need sleep-
Take it easy!

home again

Today I finally started to re-organize my pictures on my wall, at least so that I could include less of Jon and me together. Anyone that knows me well at all knows that I am somewhat of an amateur photographer, of people anyway. In other words, I love to take pictures. The reason I mention this now is so that you understand that I have many other pictures to choose from to fill my albums and frames. I only got one frame done, but it was the one with the most pictures of us together, the one of my friends at formal dances, in fact I just did the entire collage over, I was kind of sick of the old pictures anyway. This gave me a chance to really look at my old albums. Its frightening how one changes over a span of four years. I looked at the only picture that I have in print from my first formal dance- it is of me and my date, Grant who is now probably one of the best friends that I have- and I compared it to a picture from prom. I pretty much look the same, but everyone around me had changed. Comparing these two pictures made me wonder if I am really going through life or if it is passing me by.
Perfect example: I drank (alcohol) for the first time on New Years Eve. Well, it was not the first time that I drank, but it was definitely the first time that I did it in a party setting. Yeah, I realize that there are some people that do not drink their whole lives, or only with dinner, etc. These are also people that have morals or ethics against social drinking. I have no such morals or ethics- I definitely believe that once in a while drinking is okay (not every weekend but on holidays and such it’s a good thing). Therefore maybe I was missing out in high school a little. I am also a better person for it I realize: my grades were too important to me in high school to afford myself any slack. Now though, I am in college and studying seems to be just as important.
This made me realize that coming from a small town has influenced my views on controversial topics such as drinking and sex. To put it bluntly, there just isn’t much else to do here. I’m still a virgin, but this also makes me wonder if I am missing out in this too. I know very few virgins any more, especially since college has started. I know that this won’t spur me to run to the first willing male and whip out a beer and off my clothes, but it seems that people that have spent their lives in the city are less likely to do these things. I could be wrong too.
This makes me want to go back to college so much more than I already do. College is so much different than high school ever was. For one thing I am no longer under my parents discretion. I know they mean well but they don’t understand me and probably never will, only because I wont let them. They analyze my every move and criticize anything I say, do, or the way I look. I appreciate their honesty but not their attention- I would rather live life in the background. I also get less privacy here. Perfect example: my mom has walked into my room (without knocking) at least three times in the past five minutes wondering what I am typing. God, I can’t wait to leave.
College is also without cliques. At least, whatever clique-ige there is, it is not as noticeable as it was for high school. I went to a hockey game a few nights ago and I noticed a group of people that graduated with me sitting in their usual spot. I was initially too afraid to speak to them, just like high school, but I eventually sucked it up- I thought that maybe they liked the non-clique-ness of college as much as I did and might have just said hello back because I was a fellow HHS graduate. I was very wrong. What makes me angry about this is that I was initially afraid of them, obviously I am the better person here, and it also made me pity them, that they will never be able to recognize or create a new friendship unless forced into it. They will fail at the important things in life and I fear that most of my graduating class will lead unhappy lives according to my definition of it. I am sad for them.
I came back ‘citified’. I am surprised how quickly it happened. Last night Krysti and I went to the new Caribou Coffee here (it opened a few days ago) and were not impressed. The fact that we know how a Caribou Coffee is run scares me. The people behind the counter weren’t even yelling out our orders or anything. I think my citification happened so quickly because I hate high school and Hibbing and everything in it. Except for my friends of course.
On a lighter note, classes start again in about two weeks, so I really don’t have that much left of break. Unfortunately it seems that everyone else goes back on the 9th (in about a week) so that there will be an awkward week where I really don’t have much to do while everyone else will be out being productive with their lives.

turkeys, rantings, ravings

I made this turkey in paint. Isn't it special? Because everyone else always has to talk about the holidays in their blogs, I figured that I should too. So this is "Happy Belated Thanksgiving!" to the whole world of about three and a half people that actually read this. yes. you are one of them.
I've decided that the paint program on the computer is actually a very interesting one. For one thing, you can make just about anything if you are creative enough. There are no high-tech programs and evil ass-monkey programming and scripts to be played with. No offense to you people out there who like programming, I guess its just not for me. In fact, I have a friend that likes to program. He makes 3D animation. Anywho, he's pretty good at it and if everyone who programs things is like him, I feel very justified in leaving such things up to them. Back to topic, I recently realized the wonders of 'Paint' and I am trying to figure out why nobody uses this blessed program anymore. What happened to the days of old when children used to sit at the 'family computer' for hours muddling over color choices and the line tool?
Oh yeah, I've been reading philosophy, therefore I might ask some pretty dumb questions. Just keep reading, don't pay any attention to my mind muddling.
Thanksgiving weekend was well welcomed and much needed for me and the rest of the IT Honors group, I'm positive. I just wish it was longer. For me, the weekend was supposed to be one of rest and relaxation, however this was not the case. My parents picked me up Wednesday after class. This was just after I realized that the organic chemistry class that I've been wanting to take had filled up and I was no longer able to take the class, considering that I wouldn't register until Monday. This leaves me pissed. The reason why I was unable to take the class is because a bunch of cake-eating asswipes from large schools took a bunch of AP classes and got a bunch of college credit for it. Therefore, Their college credit for phony high-school classes leaves me stranded at seven REAL college credits (thanks, PSEO) and still registering at/near the bottom of the pile. I hate getting screwed over.
After venting to my family over this new development and the fact that I now have to take biology (yippee.... *cough*), we cram into a packed over-heated car and drive for about 10 hours to Michigan through a blizzard. We get there at two o'clock in the morning and wonder why everyone is so crabby...
After much-needed rest dating back from the past three months while I've been at school, I am rudely woken up to laughter and loud voices. I looked at the clock- NOOOOOO. yes. it was 7 am. Groggily rolling out of bed, I hear the voices go down the stairs and I attempted to calculate the amount of time I slept. Unfortunately unable to accomplish this, I shrugged and got on with the day. Thanksgiving dinner was awsome. Occured at noon, but awesome nonetheless. It really made me realize how much I miss my mom and my grandma's cooking- UDS here leaves much to be desired according to my palate. After finishing a luxurious turkey dinner, I high-tailed it off to the room where my parents were staying and proceeded to study chemistry for the next 5 hours. So much for break, huh.
The rest of the weekend continued as such, except on Saturday when I finally finished my chemistry and started on the class from hell: History of Science. Also, another Aunt arrived at the cabin at which I was staying. Unfortunately, when my mom gets together with her two sisters they become evil. Fortunately for me, I had more homework to get to, therefore I left Fred and both of my Aunts' children (all 8 of them) to be hassled by the women to be comforted by the sad buzz of my laptop and the pounding in my brain. In retrospect, I believe Fred managed to leave as well.
Finally, Sunday morning I was, again, rudely awakened at 6 am (this time by my alarm) to drive another 10 hours back to the glory that I call college. Only to be confronted by "Happy Thanksgiving!" and "wow! I slept so much!"
I love my family dearly, and my extended family as well. But understand, this was just too much. I lead a life of solitude. I can understand this, and I am comfortable with it. I do not like large groups of people, and am uncomfortable when made the center of attention. Therefore, to people unlike myself, this weekend would have been a blast. Unfortunately, aside from seeing my family, my weekend wasn't so great.
There is one fact that I can comfort myself with:
I know I will be spending Christmas at home.

thoughts i think during calculus...

Instead of listening to the TA during math discussion today, I decided to write down the thoughts as they occured in my brain (I do this often but today people noticed.. I had a lot on my mind). Because it made a few people giggle and point, I thought it could be amusing for the general public. Here are my personal favorites:
*Preserve your inner child so that you live your entire life like a mid-life crisis
*concerning bottles:
-the half empty and half full bottle both spill if they're tipped over
-an overflowing glass and a spilled one still get the table wet
*even the best looking packages can blow up in your face
*If there were such thing as a soulmate, marriage would be boring
*If there is one man for every woman in the world, mine must have died in a tragic accident.
*Why do we all have so much time in life, yet we are all forced to make our decisions so early?
*If God wanted me to plan my life, he would have told me what to expect later
*Can the entire world have a "good day"?
*What if somebody suddenly came by and filled the deepest, darkest hole in your life with radioactive waste?
*Remember to forget to ask, "why me?" because in the grand scheme of things it doesnt matter why it was you, just that it was you.

there were a few more less interesting ones than these (yeah its possible) and they're here simply for your humour if you happen to find any.

mole day!

Today is mole day, for those of you Hibbing-ites that had Neary for Chemistry or any other nerd out there that knows what I'm speaking about. Thinking back on it makes me sad or contemplative. This used to be a big holiday for us Science Nerds... I think I remember one year even baking for it. This also reminds me that the Institute of Technology is probably the best place for me. Either that or the psych ward of the hospital...
My brother visited this weekend, it was very enjoyable. I believe that he had fun, we got to do a lot and we were able to see a lot of each other, more so than usual. At home we barely speak. He wants to become a professional drummer and would like to go to a Music Tech in St. Paul next year. I wish him good luck but at the same time I dont want him to get in. This is because I want him to live a long successful life and going into the arts is so subjective. For one thing there is the whole 'starving artist/musician/actor(ess)' syndrome. I do not want that with my brother. Im afraid of the outcome of what he wants to do. To base so much of your life on how other people view yourself is a scary thing to do. Thats one of the many reasons I didnt go into modeling.. haha. and there is no possible way of knowing how successful you will be. my career choice is a little more stable, if less lucrative. this comforts me: knowing that if I manage to graduate from college, I will most likely have a job somewhere, there will be interviews, there will be offers, it will be more formal but it will be nicely laid out for me too. Music: not so much.
One comforting thought through all of this, is that my brother is that talented, he will be able to make it provided that he is discovered. This is also why my thoughts on the subject confuse me as well: I have no doubt he can make it in a music career, but I worry just the same. I guess that is what a sister is for.

gloom

Throughout the past week, I have been a complete moron. I realize that that is not the best opening line of something people would ever want to read, but I guess it could grab ones attention. It pretty much started on monday, where I had to present my physics lab. Being that I pretty much suck at physics in general already, the whole lab experience was not the greatest. And I had to stand and talk about something I had no clue on. Oh yeah, public speaking is definetely a bane of mine. I'm lucky if I don't shake after talking for thirty seconds. Fast forward to Wednesday night because nothing happened except school. (literally, that's all I do now) I finally had everything finished, I even studied for a midterm the next morning. My friend came over just as I was finishing up (at two am) and I helped him with physics (um... ok i understood last week's homework. that's it.). long story short, I woke up the next morning at seven when he left (no we didnt do anything!). I also fell back asleep and woke up at 10:30. Oh yeah, my midterm was at nine. My roomate and I literally freaked out, and went to class. I entered calculus as he was passing out the quizzes for the week, and I managed to talk to the professor of the class I missed the test in. She let us take it the next day. Thank God for nice profs.
Friday I went dancing with this one guy in my ballroom dancing class. We went to the Quest for salsa night and it was a generally bad experience. He informed me that he 'found me very attractive' and wanted to go on a date. He told me that my hair was 'incredibly beautiful'. I flat out told him that hes too short (he's a good 5'5" compared with my 5'8" so not too short but short enough). Later in the evening he started conversations about sex, making out, what I like in men, etc. and oh yeah, he's 24 and not even a student at the U of MN (which I did not realize at the time). (btw.. i'm 18.) CREEPY.
Why DO guys suck? and where are the good ones? and why can't I go out with them?
Relationship drama.... again.
I'm just going to lay off dating in general for a while. Mostly because men suck.
Okay, yesterday (saturday) I went to the gophers game (eeewwww.... hold onto the stupid football!!!) and I saw my friend sing in a concert. He's in chamber singers (the highest choir here and hes a freshman) and it was generally awesome. Then we all went out for noodles and company and ben and jerry's. After all of this, Im sorry you had to sit through that and read it, but life can only get better now, right? and I guess its your fault for reading this :)
Alanis Morissette has been my favorite artist for the past day and a half. I guess I recognize female empowerment and a general anger at the world around me as main feelings I've had lately, therefore her music is perfect. Favorite songs include: Forgiven, Right through you, Uninvited, You oughta know, Head over heels, you learn, and ironic. This is the mood I've been in. I guess all things considered, its not suprising.

Midterm, a definition of Evil Death.

Okay, the whole concept of a 'midterm' is starting to confuse me. Let's look at the word itself:
'mid-' is a prefix. it must be French for EVIL. Either that or implies 'middle' or 'median'
'-term' is a suffix. it is also French for DEATH. In English, however, a 'term' implies a period of time. like a semester.
So my question is, why are we taking our MIDTERMS now? We've been here for five weeks. Another interesting question is why there are more than one per class...
It must be French.