Mind Rambles

This semester has gone by way too fast.
I mean, I'm going to be so so happy to be finally finished with organic, (except that silly lab), but I'm not going to be so happy when Matt moves to Iowa. Gee, this all sounds SO familiar.
He also wonders why I cry sometimes when he talks about it.
Yeah, I'm not in the worst circumstance, I know. And again, if you are reading this and are suffering from a worse circumstance than I, I just don't want to hear it right now. It will just make me feel worse. I also realize that this is very selfish of me on several levels.
I should be happy for him, shouldn't I? I shouldn't let my experiences with Jon color my judgment. This will all end in three months, I can make it that long. Three things I keep telling myself. They seem to help less and less each time I hear them.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for him. Ecstatic. He is so amazing and totally deserves this job, not to mention its something he might actually want to do. The fact that its in Iowa shouldn't matter, but it does somehow. One bright side to things: I've never actually been to Iowa. Jon and I parted ways before I ever got a chance to see him at ISU, and I haven't really had an inclination to go since. Thinking of Jon, its been too long since I've seen him, I would like to keep him as a friend.
I just hope to be working my ass off so that I barely have time to sleep/eat much less relax and think about him. Several good things will come of this- I will have lots of money, and I won't think about him. Speaking of money, having some would be nice right now.
Why is it that everything all happens at once?
Life seems like a sine wave with a long period. There's ups and downs, but once you get through them, there is a period of slow stability that you use to get over what just happened.
Yes. I am a nerd.
This weekend was a complete nerd-fest for me, which is always a good thing imho. Relay for Life was kind of a life-changing event, and I got to get to know some people that I haven't had time to speak with. The luminaria ceremony almost made me cry, which used to say something, until Matt turned me into a blubbering idiot. I think others crying makes me cry the most, it hurts me to see others in pain. Weird trait of mine, I guess.
Next night was the IT ball, which was also a jar of fun. I like getting dressed up, it kind of reminds me that I can actually be kind of pretty once in a while. I'm also glad that my roommate came, I'll admit I would probably have been lonely without my best friend there.
Today I went to church, its been a while. I really felt it when I came back, even if it was a catholic mass. Somehow, I always feel like I'm not really accepted there. I know I am, and even the Priest would probably tell me I am. Its just a weird feeling that isn't going to escape me, no matter how many masses I go to. I still hold that its better than the reborn Christian theme that seems to permeate the protestant services. At least the ones I've been to. C says her church is not that bad, maybe this summer we can go together.
I understand people like the reborn Christian services. Somehow singing Christian pop ballads doesn't constitute a service song for me. It seems more like something you would sing by yourself in your car. And it doesn't make me feel any closer to Jesus singing it. If that's your style, by all means go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. I just ask the same respect. If you are reading this and are offended, chances are you know me- talk to me in person and we can discuss this further.
Another thing I am looking forward to at the close of this semester (besides lack of organic, of course) is the amazing summer I'm going to spend with my three roommates (for next fall), and all of the people I have yet to meet.

Vagabond Pineapple

Vagabond Pineapple. One of my better aliases. MSN generated, but Beth approved.
Yay for college. Again, sorry its been a while. Life seems to have caught up with me and drug me along with it just like my dad drags me along in the boat when I go tubing.
I'm getting really sick of living here. The apartment next year shall be grand. I need a change of pace or something. Preferably slower.
Speaking of the apartment- I am very excited. To be able to have my own kitchen... well... one I share with three other girls anyway. To be able to come home late... and still be able to eat! To have non-UDS food. To decorate for holidays. To make our own rules. To go grocery shopping for things that aren't soup and water. To be able to decorate in general. To have a teeny bit more space. To live with the best girls that I've met down here. minus a few, of course- I mean, who would want to live in an apartment of 8 people? that's outrageous!
We originally applied for a five person apartment. In early November. We finally heard back in late January, only to hear that we didn't get it. However, one of our friends that applied after we did got a five person apartment. How does this work? I don't know. So now we had to pretty much leave one girl stranded and downsize. The only fortunate thing about this is that she will be studying abroad next spring, and would only need the apartment for fall semester. I still feel terrible about this, and the future landlady I've tried to contact will not answer my questions on the matter.
Then again, I guess I've never really lived life all that slowly. Looking back at high school I don't really regret not having time for myself, however. I guess it made the bad parts pass all that more quickly. I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had more time.
I miss my friends in Hibbing.
I'm going to California in a month! Having never been outside the midwest, one of my life goals is to see the ocean. Perhaps one day I will make a list of things to do before I die, but that seems so mortal and gloomy. California is going to be very exciting. Just buying the ticket I got an adrenaline rush comparable to finishing my last final of a semester.
Speaking of class in one semester I will never take chemistry or math again. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. Also- next semester, I will wish that I did have to take math or physics again because its apparently super difficult.
I am thoroughly enjoying the internship, on the other hand. I know why I want to be a chemical engineer. I think its the work environment.
Took a trip to New Ulm this past weekend. We surprised Michael (his younger brother) and brought him to St. Paul to see one of his favorite wrestlers. Driving 400 miles was totally worth the surprised look on Michael's face. Also- I think its important that he would be able to meet one of his idols. Living in the boonies as I did growing up, I was never able to actually meet a celebrity until I went to the warped tour after 11th grade. Yeah, admitting to have met the types of celebrities I liked then would be an embarrassment now, but then it would have mattered a big deal to me.
Have to get my license plate tags renewed. Have no idea where to do that. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll ask the guys in the lab. They're grad students. Married (most). and probably have vehicles.
Its been a year with Matt. An amazing year, so much has happened. I won't drone on lest I make everyone ill.
Driving home over winter break, it started to snow. Because it was the first time it had really snowed this winter, at first I was happy, then sad to realize that I would be driving through it. I love to watch snow fall. Anyway, while driving, I noticed a huge patch of I-35 S was closed off. A few miles later- I saw a semi in the ditch, the front half slightly mangled. A tire in the middle of the road. and a black pancake. I think it used to be a car- was then about 3 feet high. If they lived it would have been a miracle. Its kind of like I saw someone die. but not really. So I said a quick prayer for the souls of the victims of the accident. kind of a morbid thought- thats probably the closest I've been to God recently.
and it made me kind of sad.

Religion

Even though school has ended and I do not have the awesome Hope bus to take me to church every sunday, I continue to go most Sundays. This time, I go with Mike's family, who I am living with for the duration of the summer. They are evangelical protestants, from what I've observed, and it seems that most of Forest Lake feels the same way. During the past month I have visited two churches.
The first church Mike's family has gone to for what seems like forever, compared to my church-going background. The first service, I stepped in and there seemed to be an old hippie waving a flag while a band played on the stage. yes. stage. At least there was a center isle... After beginning church, and singing a few christian songs, the (pastor?) started preaching about Mother's day and asked all the women in the congregation to meet him in front of the church. At this point I was wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Being very conservative in religious matters, I did not stand and walk to the front... I think there were maybe four or five other girls who did the same as I. Needless to say, it was creepy. Then to make it worse, the man asked all the men to stand around the women and put their hands up and pray. Inside, I screamed. Once all these shenanigans were through the man then started yelling and ranting about how women and men should stay married- no matter what- and stated that women cannot nurture children properly unless accompanied by a husband. Not only is this untrue, it insulted me and ruined any respect I could have for that man. One example: if a man is beating or verbally abusing his wife- how the fuck can a woman nurture a child in that environment?!? This is a perfect example of how certain criminals of society were raised. In the preacher man's eyes-geez can I even call him such a term- the woman should stay married to the man and nurture the child in this environment. I believe that God, in this case, would want the woman to leave the man and take the kid with her. There are very well and good reasons for divorce today and I certainly believe that children can be brought up without a father- dead or divorced. I was subjected to another service in this church two weeks later. Even though it was not creepy, the man tiraded yet another sermon and further unimpressed me.
Today, I went to a different church. Mike's family have been "shopping around" for a new church- I do not question why. This one, Eaglebrook, they seem to like. There are police escorts directing traffic into the parking lot of the church, which is good... safe... and it made me excited to see why all of these people would come to this church. Eaglebrook boasts at least four services per weekend and a church that cannot hold all of its members. Again, I was excited to see why all these people would come to such a church. Walking inside, I thought it looked like a hotel lobby, but not being one to judge a book for its cover- I withheld judgement until the service started.
It started out more like a rock concert than anything. Whatever happened to worship songs?!? People don't seem to know the difference between Christian rock and worship songs. Worship songs are hymnals- as unexciting as they may be, and psalms- directly from THE BIBLE. Speaking of the Bible- there weren't any in this church. What kind of church doesn't have Bibles?? Seriously. How could this be credible? There was no scripture read, no hymns sung, and the worst part was that the congregational area was designed like an auditorium. There was a stage and no aisle. It almost seemed as if we went to see a church rock show with guest speaker- that is exactly what it was. It was even broadcasted to another church! There were also several positive things that may or may not have suprised me. The quantity of people was incredible. If people wish to gather like that to hear the word of God, it is perfectly fine by me. Just don't call it church. Also, the (pastor?) ahem.. "speaker" was excellent. I almost wish he spoke at the first church- then I would go. And ignore the hippie.
After the service at Eaglebrook I was given a tour by Mike of what else the church has to offer. I was suprised- shocked. There is a "kids zone" and an arcade. An arcade! Why?? There was also a book store and coffee shop. Eaglebrook no longer seemed like a hotel lobby, it seemed more like a plaza center. I was about to ask where the public pool was when we left (haha kidding).
Please don't take these views offensively, because that is exactly what they are- my views. I guess you could view this as a disclaimer or a warning that traditional churches are dying and I yearn for them, the lessons they taught, and values they instilled.
Back in the day, the Bible was the most important thing in a church- it seems that they have driven themselves far from that value.
Maybe I should just convert to Catholicism. Ironically those churches seem to keep the closest to teaching directly from the Bible. At least the few churhces that I've been to.

....and we're back!

Finally recovering from the previous stupidity at the HCC dorms, Im back at college! I've been meeting a few people and I guess I even have a date for tomorrow night. That is one thing I really don't like about the way I act (okay there is a lot) but in this respect, I bounce back from relationships really quickly. I'm not a mope-around kind of girl. I guess.
Even still, I'm not totally positive I should be moving on this quickly. I mean, Jon and I were pretty serious- more serious than I've ever known. Then again, after seeing him over break, I'm positive that anything romantic is over for now. He is a great guy, and a great friend. I need to move on. Its not fair to let that color any judgement I have of any future guy.
Here's the catch, however- my past two relationships have been long distance. that's two out of three serious relationships I've had. Now- I'm in college- nobody lives in Hibbing! Its really a great thing- I hate Hibbing. But, when I look toward what might happen I just cringe inside because its going to end up long distance. It could be worse, however, I mean- it will only be long distance over the summer and maybe not even then- if all my hopes come true for this summer I wont have to go back I will get an internship here and never leave. So I'm basically scaring myself away from the prospect of a relationship just because I got screwed over in the past and theres a chance that its going to happen again.
Fuck it all- I'm through with thinking this shit out. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will. haha.
Besides my thoughts on men, College is great! I am so happy to be back here- the activity is back, homework (eww) is not too terrible as of yet, Im a lab monkey for credit, and I'm making new friends everyday.
The movie project is coming along- because I can't remember if I posted about it before I'm going to now (probably not haha). Mike started a student group here on campus that is suprisingly well-organized and productive. He asked me to be an officer and I agreed, telling him at the time that I would have little to no time to be such. He assured me that it was for administrative purposes and I could put as little or as much time into his group as I would like. Apparently his version of 'as little' is every weekend at his house. I know he's disappointed that I can't spend as much time as he would like on this project, and I'm disappointed in myself too. When I do something, I put every effort into it. Unfortunately my every effort can't be expended into two things at once. He also thinks that I dont like working on this. I'm not sure where he got that idea. In fact, he found most of this out because I told his roomate in confidence who then informed Mike. In his defence, I didnt say 'dont tell mike' but I guessed it was kind-of assumed. Not that I wasnt going to tell Mike- I just generally like to do it myself- not through another. Mostly because few people understand (okay make that zero) how I think or what I'm doing and why. Generally if someone hears something I said, it has been my experience that about 70% of the time it is either not what I meant or completely wrong. Therefore I figure some of that probability played into the fact that Mike now believes I'm depressed or something and hate everyone. so untrue.
I've been spending a bit of time with friends as well. well, when I'm not studying that is. I've come to appreciate the down time and it has actually worked to my benefit as a person to have this downtime. Its a well-known fact that I am not a nice person when stressed. The fact that I have this occasional down time makes me guilty, however. as if I should be doing something movie-related but I'm not. Guilt is not a great feeling. I dont understand why everyone else gets to have this downtime though, and not feel guilty about it.
Thursday I went to campus crusades again. I remember why I went. God has touched my life in so many ways since college started- I can't even describe the joy I have once I leave crusades or hope. Unfortunately, I havent been feeling crusades recently- too much flamboyant-ness. I, personally, worship God in a quiet-like manner. I love singing, however. The speaker last week made me angry as well. He basically told all of the students that they were not doing enough in God's name and that we were all lazy. and better than everyone else. I believe he has spoken before too- he offended me then too. he (im pretty sure it was him- anyway its happened on more than one occasion) said something to the effect "I was a good person- i went to church every Sunday with my parents..." Okay- what does this say? those that dont go to church regularily are not good people?? this means that I'm a bad person as well as my family and most of my closest friends. I was very offended, even though I knew that this statement was not meant for this context. I just hope that this man does not speak too much in the future otherwise I'm not sure I will be attending crusades much longer.
Its three thirty in the morning and I need sleep-
Take it easy!