After all, Tomorrow is another day

To put it bluntly, relationships suck. I honestly don't know if I'm going to try it again. I fail miserably. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

A relationship with a good friend was not a good idea the first time around- so why did I think it would be different this time? On top of that, why did I try one with my ex's roommate? At this point, I realize that it never mattered how much I liked him.

I hate it when I'm so stupid.

This is a first for me. Normally I'm able to emotionally pull away at least a little. Actually, that's a lie. I think I've remained emotionally distant for the whole relationship. To protect myself from this. Or was I inviting it?

What do I want for my birthday?
Someone to love me.

The English Patient and Thoughts on a Hectic Life

I forgot how rewarding it feels to finish an outline of a large paper. I just finished one for a paper that I need to write, after reading only three of my sources. Honestly, I feel really good about it, like I've accomplished something, that I've set out to finish what seemed like an impossible task.

the trick is to have the stupid thing written today... ugh. I really don't want to write 6 pages on the identity of the English Patient. Even though I did enjoy the story.

Everything else is going crazy. I literally sleep in my free time. I talk to friends while I'm doing homework, so I have some type of social life. My existence is defined by school. Probably the story of any other college student, I'm aware.

I guess that's not completely true, I do have some semblance of free time. Lately, I've just needed to spend it on job-related things- which should be just about over, now.

Halloween this weekend. If I don't dress up, I believe it will be the first Halloween that I have not dressed up. Not that it should be a big deal or anything, but just a fact of life. I haven't been blindsided with inspiration, and do not plan on trick-or-canning or entering a costume contest in a mass ticket with about forty of my friends. I love dressing up, when it's something original. This year I'll go as a chemical engineer. A farce, if you've seen my grades lately.

If this is what I should do with my life, I'll do it. I trust enough in God that he'll get me through this. A little hard work, faith, and determination. And by little, I might mean lots.

Elections are coming up, everyone figuring out who they're voting for in a week. TV is saturated with it. It makes me sick, especially because I like neither candidate, and a vote for anyone else would be throwing it away. Ron Popeil for President! Fix it and Forget it.

I've heard several times that America might not be ready for a black President. Quite honestly, what makes people believe that we're ready for a woman President either? The trend in our nation is to allow black men rights before any women (e.g. suffrage), why should our elected be different? Quite honestly, sexism has been around for eons longer than racism against blacks. And neither are removed from our society either, I realize, but I don't see the point in arguing against Obama just because "America isn't ready". America is very ready for a black President- hell, the UK had a black prime minister! We have a black secretary of state! And guess what- not assasinated.

Not that i'm pro-Obama. I'm non-partisan, and like I said before, favor neither candidate. I realize I'm going to have to make up my mind soon, but it's not going to be easy. It might get easier if Palin is allowed to keep speaking publicly... that might confirm that I really don't want to cast a vote that may put her in a position of any public power whatsoever. "nucular". ugh.

ugh

I'm sick of it. Everything.

Help.

Job Searching

It's been a while since I updated, I guess it's starting to be like last year all over again! I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen. I did take steps to prevent being too overdrawn, however.
Searching for a job is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done to my future. Just knowing that in less than a year I will be living who knows where doing God knows what is a little frightening. On the bright side, it has been revealed to me lately that I will, in fact, have a job if I so choose at Ecolab- so at least I don't have to worry too much about that.
Macosko yesterday was trying to convince me to go to grad school. I can tell that he wants me to be happy and if he knew that what I wanted out of life and what I was doing to get there meshed he wouldn't be worried. I guess that needs explanation: I want to work in research and development, however not having an advanced degree hinders this process- and from what I've heard - also hinders moving up within the company (which also depends on the company). Thing is, if I go through any more school in the next year, I'm going to go batshit insane. I want to eventually get my masters degree, but not now, and hopefully not have to pay for it. Who knows, I might like working as a more traditional engineer too- whose jobs are rarely given to those with advanced degrees.
Maybe I feel like I'm making too many decisions that will really affect my future right now. I know these decisions are necessary, but I also know that they're very hard to fall back on. Chemical engineering is fairly unique in that these decisions are necessary- all of the mechanical, aerospace, electrical, etc. engineers that I know are all just looking for basic "jobs"- they don't need to specify product or process design as far as I know, and even if they do, I don't think that they're "stuck" in that particular field either. I guess this is why most companies have rotational programs for people like me, huh? I really don't want to get uprooted in the middle of something though, which always worries me with those things. I don't mind moving- hell, I've done it most of my life (max of four years in one place- the first place I lived! - and I'm living in place #14 I think...)
On a really exciting note, I'm travelling to Delaware next week, for an interview with DuPont! I am very excited for this, as I have never been to the East coast. Unfortunately, I won't be there long enough to experience anything- however I will be in downtown Wilmington for about three or four hours without anything to do a week from next Tuesday night. Exciting!!! Definitely bringing the camera (and extra batteries too).
I think I'm going to ask for money towards new digital camera for Christmas... as much as I like the old one, it's dying. Not just the batteries, but it's HUGE and doesn't fit well into my purse. I want a little one, but as most of you know I can't just get any piece of technology, so the one I have picked out is about $500. Which is approx. $300 out of my price range at the moment.
I can't wait to not be poor.

3 month crash

It's been a while since I've been able to update, mostly because I've been so busy.
Everything I did was going really well for a while, which usually is more work than things going poorly, so believe me- I'm not complaining that I was busy. Busy is good. Keeps my mind off of some things and on more productive trains of thought. Also it means that things are going well.
And somehow over the course of all of this, I'm over him. Completely. He could bring home a supermodel and sex her up in front of me, and ironically I would wish him the best of luck, and no STD's. I feel like we can finally be friends again. Whether or not we will is entirely up to him, and I really wouldn't blame him for not wanting to be. Especially lately.
I finished with my internship yesterday. I was so steadfast on going to graduate school in May. Now I'm not sure that I'll even go at all. It's so remarkable how fast one can change their mind, and how that can affect their entire future. I took the GRE's- just in case, and I think I might get a master's degree while working. As long as I can do R&D (and be flexible whether or not I'd stay), I'll be happy. Ecolab was an eye opening experience into life in the corporate world, and life in R&D. I was told last January that I would hate it there. I didn't. I really didn't think I would either, but I knew it would be different. Each experience had their ups and downs, and I really don't think it's easy to compare the two internships- they were so different in every aspect. I know I had career altering experiences at both companies, and am very grateful for them.
Unfortunately, it would seem that now I need to update my resume and start searching for a job. Actually, I might be a little behind on that now, but fortunately my resume is pretty easy to update. Also, I was happy to hear that the career fair at the U is not until the third week of school, unlike the past few years where it has occurred the second week of school- meaning that I have a week to catch up.
It's a little frightening knowing that in less than a year, I have absolutely no idea where I'll be. I'm open to moving anywhere, I'm not tied down in any way, and would actually prefer to live in another part of the country (or world) for a while. I think I would prefer to stay in the continental 48, however.
In unrelated news, I'll be a TA for a freshman seminar this fall! I'm really excited, and actually will get the chance to lead a class!
Now I have two weeks before class starts, and I get to get ready for this class, go home for a while, and plan a SWE event. Like I said before, busy is good.

Fourth of July

So, updates in my life thus far:
My job is AMAZING. I absolutely love it there, and I have a hard time going home some days. My boss is fantastic, and the people that work there are incredible. I'm making some great friends there.
I went up north again to see Missy run Grandma's, this time alone, and she did so well- I'm really proud of her. I know she'll make her goal of 4 hours sooner than later. Additionally, finishing five marathons is a huge accomplishment, that I'm not sure she's aware of.
Heading north again this weekend, this time with Mike. It should be fun, I have to take some time out on Friday to help Erica's sister plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party, which I'm really looking forward to (even if they are on the same day as the Macosko bbq... boo). I'm also really looking forward to their wedding, which I am starting to feel a little weird about. I'm going to have friends in a month that will be married. weird.
That makes me realize that soon I'm going to have to make some big decisions, like getting my own cell phone, car insurance, other stuff. I'll be an independent adult, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. That's if I don't go to graduate school though- apparently as long as I'm in school, Dad pays for insurance. I'll still need my own cell phone. I guess this means that I get a slider!! That could be dangerous, those things are way too amusing for my own good. Just like shiny objects.

Pet Peeve or Just Plain Stupid?

So, I've seen this several times:
Cop (usually a UMPD) beaches his car either on a lawn somewhere, a handicap spot, or in a no parking zone. Because, really. Who is going to give a cop a parking ticket. Another cop? I didn't think so.
So anyway, after haphazardly strewing their nasty vehicle in the most random spot, they get out, and leave it running. RUNNING. That's totally great for the environment, guys. Thanks. Additionally, I'm pretty sure they get compensated for gas- that they're wasting. Who compensates them? Who pays for cops? In the long run, we do. So when I see this, I get mad. As JG Wentworth would say, "It's my money and I need it NOW". Not some prissy cop who, for some dumbass reason decided to beach his/her car randomly and leave it running.
The worst part is, on more than one occasion I've witnessed this (because I was in the restaurant at the time watching out the window) the reason the cop stopped in the first place, is so that he/she can EAT LUNCH. And it's not a ohcrapIleftmycarrunningIneedtogetoutofthisplacefast kind of lunch... it's a let's sit down, have some coffee and pizza/cheeseburger/whatever, chat about life leisurely, while my fucking car pollutes the atmosphere and I charge taxpayers for my wasted already overpriced fuel kind of lunch.
ugh.

Falling Out of Love

http://www.wikihow.com/Fall-Out-of-Love

I can't believe there is a step-by-step method for this...

Another tidbit

I also found out today that the paper that Zhiyong put me as an author on got published! w00t!

I'

So, today I learned that my options for graduate school have very few limits if I continue how well I've been doing, and also do well on the GRE's.
I also learned that I would be presenting a poster at I prime (I'). At least I'm one of the authors on the poster, and I have to be there (I don't think I actually get to present anything).
I think I'm tasting colors right about now.
This is kind of a huge deal for an undergraduate researcher, rarely do we get to this level, and I mean I'm only an author on a poster, but it's totally something!
yay!

It's over.

Officially, I am now a senior- one year from graduating with a degree in chemical engineering.
And you could probably say that I'm scared shitless.
Really, I'm not ready for the real world, and I don't think I will be in another year. Little by little I'm getting acclimated, but at least I'll (hopefully) have grad school to postpone that for a while.
It's also going to be really hard not looking for jobs with salaries.
I'll just need to keep my goals in mind: I don't want to be someone's bitch. I want to do my own things (in the interest of the company) and tell other people to do the easier stuff for me. I have no idea what degree that equates to, I figure it's a doctorate.
I'm definitely going to miss the people that are leaving for the summer, but really, we will probably all be so busy that school will start again before we know it and we will all be together again.

oh bother

First final done! two to go, a final (art) presentation tonight, and a final paper to submit. Except for the two tests, everything is extremely close to being finished.
I really am not sure about this presentation tonight. What I drew is a little bit personal to me, if only for what it represents. The content of the drawing is pretty impersonal- just a broken picture frame.

EDIT: It actually turned out really well, people seemed to like it

But think about what kinds of things a broken picture frame represents? Broken love life, death of a loved one, some type of natural disaster...
I wanted to convey grief, and I feel like I managed to do that. I just don't want to share my grief with everyone else, yet I don't know how to otherwise display my drawing. I do want to pass the class, however, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and hope no one notices that this is more than just a drawing for me.
I guess this must be an artistic fear, this displaying of personal property. I don't like it, this is why I'm in engineering. Art is judged so subjectively, whether it is well-liked, hated, or indifferent depends on the person viewing it. This is a little like why I don't like people seeing my grades on exams, reading what I write- be it a short story or an opinionated essay, or seeing my personal property, or my small drawings in that notebook everyone has that no one else knows about. I guess you could say that I hate being judged, and it's something that I'm going to have to get over if I ever want to survive in the real world.
Buck up, little soldier.

Today was a Good Day.

Pause....

Breathe.

ok, now back to your regularily scheduled programming.

Today was interesting. I freaked out about doing something that I wanted to but probably shouldn't have. I called Krysti who says its okay. Therefore: I feel much better.

Got to see an old friend from the floor last year, and spent a lot of time in my old dorm today. It was nice to see old friends. Later went out to a "sing-a-long" and saw more old friends. And some new ones too. All in all, a great night.

Not looking forward to finals week. Which starts like now. I'm glad I learned it the first time around, but it sucks to review, especially when there are more fun things I can be doing.

I wore shorts today. Completely out of my comfort zone- I don't like my legs. I also played Frisbee in the rain in them, which was a very cold experience. I warmed up pretty quickly though, I have thick skin.

I can't believe it's 1 AM already, time flew by way too fast today. It was nice to catch a break before the craziness of next week begins, and as usual, I'll keep ya updated!

The end of... Well, it's a beginning of something, anyway

However frightening as this may be, I'm going to spill the beans here.

Out of lack of a real relationship lately, uncertainty about the future, and the very real fact that we would be separated for an extended period of time in less than a year, we broke up.

Few people know how badly I'm hurt. It takes a lot for me to let other people see me cry. Contrary to popular belief, I cry a lot.

I'm dreading the end of the semester, because I know how much I need to finish before then, however I am looking forward to the summer. Honestly, I can't wait for him to leave. Not because I don't like him, but because I need my space. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. The double edged part of this is that in not seeing or talking to him I've lost one of the best friends I've ever had. This more than anything makes me cry now.

Most people who knew me before college (when I was more frequently in and out of relationships) know that I recover pretty quickly. At least they think I do, from what they tell me. In my opinion, its the last month of the relationship- the inevitable pulling away from each other, the loss of communication, the lack of contact, and finally that last pull that escalates the severance- this is when I cope. There are times when I'm pretty inept at reading people, however after being so close to someone for so long, I'm pretty good at knowing what is on his mind, until he starts pulling away. This is when I know its over. It just takes my heart a while to get used to the idea.

Usually during this time we break up. This is exactly what happened here. I'm still coping with losing someone, but I think I might be on the butt end of it. I still love him, but over the summer that will probably change. I may date again before I graduate, we'll see. Not soon.

It doesn't have to be love and war, either. I know we will probably be friends again.

There are some things that I miss already, and I'm coping with living without them. In fact, I've probably not had these things for about a month and a half. We've been acting like only friends for that amount of time, anyway. It's a little difficult to consider yourself in a relationship with someone who won't even hold your hand.

I guess one of my favorite, however semi-emo, quotes best sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope"

I wish I knew who said/wrote that.

I'm not clinging to hope that he'll regret what he's done. I'm not clinging to hope that we'll get back together one day. I really don't believe in relationships that get "back together". I know people who are clinging to these hopes for me, just know that I'm not. I am not counting on having anyone special before I graduate college. I am not hoping for a date to my best friend's wedding. If God chooses it to be so, then it will. I put this in His hands now.

And finally, don't worry about me. I know this was a little bit of a tirade on me being fine and missing him, but I'm serious. I'll live, I'll be fine, and I could use a hug.

Thank you.

Snow??

It's really not supposed to snow in April. Dang, Minnesota. Dang.

I feel like...Computer.

Everyone says I shouldn't use Microsoft Vista. Well, I guess not everyone, but most people. Especially Mac users.

Let's examine the alternatives to Microsoft Vista, and I will explain exactly why I am using Vista (and much content with it, I may add).

Possible Alternative 1-Linux, and any other GNU OS.
Although I love the sound of free, I've witnessed way too many problems with Linux for me ever to trust it as my primary OS. Many friends of mine have it as secondary operating systems, for good reason. For one, I feel that there is a steep learning curve for this, having never used it I don't know for sure, but it seems programming-intensive. It definitely seems that one needs a knowledge of elementary programming before using this software. Furthermore, many programs that I use do not run on Linux systems. I realize that there are substitutes, for most of the programs, and the rest will probably eventually run on Linux, but in the meantime, I'm going to stick to one of the main two.

Possible Alternative 2- Windows XP
Quite frankly, unavailable for the most part, and is getting phased out. Why bother.

This leaves only one alternative to Vista, being MAC OSX. dun dun dunnn....

Possible Alternative 3-OSX
Let me be the first to say that any (current) MAC system is beautiful. Honestly, there is no equal when comparing functionality and style with the MAC systems. Unfortunately, I could give a crap about style when it comes to my computer. Give me a 5 lb laptop, if it can run, has good power/functionality, is fast, is reliable, and is CHEAP. Unfortunately, no such thing exists that can be bought in the mass market to date, that I've seen.
However, the functionality/style combo is not the only thing attractive to using a MAC- the monitors are remarkably better, and they (used to) run a lot better than their competition. Currently, I feel that the competition has since stepped up and they are on equal ground. Please correct me if I am wrong on this one, it's not something I've researched. I've also heard that "once you go MAC you don't go back". As amusing as the quip is, I also know several people that have bought PC's after obtaining MAC systems and are perfectly happy with them.
MAC is doing a lot to improve their system, including allowing others to publish MAC compatible software, thus allowing for a greater breadth of consumers (aka gamers), and dissolving the idea of buying a PC just for the games.
Furthermore, I really can't seem to find any problem with the assistance given on MAC computers by their technical staff, except that it might be expensive-but really, what technical help is not?

So why am I using a Vista system?

From the small dissertation above, the only real competition for me personally is OSX. And I would heartily recommend this system to people who want the best style/functionality combination, a space saving machine, or are into media design. Personally, I'm an engineer, and am not in the mood to pay another grand for a screen that is more clear. This is what it boils down to: price.
If Steve Jobs wanted to sell more Macintosh laptops, he would take a pay break- trust me, he wouldn't notice too much- and sell his laptops at a comparable price to PC's with the same specs. For example, I recently bought my current laptop (HP Pavillion dv6500) for approximately $1000. The cheapest Macbook on the market now (according to their website) sells for $100 more, has the same processor, 1GB less of RAM, and 80 GB less of hard drive space, and the same features otherwise. So why buy this Macbook? Why pay $100 more for a lesser computer, just for the name?

This short answer, to why I run Vista? It's cheaper for the exact same thing in a PC, that (to my personal experience) is just as reliable as a MAC system.

April Fool's!

So I just figured out my schedule for next semester- I'm happy with how it's turned out, even though I will have a sucky 8AM lab, but I've done those before! so hah! take that Chem. E.! (go Physics?)
I'm having a strange night with no homework, and absolutely no motivation to do anything. Lately my life has just seemed on track. This only means one thing- hell is about to break loose and unleash its fury on my life. Something big is about to happen.
Enormously great news yesterday from the research that I've been doing, however no one wants to celebrate with me. Sadness. Am I that big of a bitch?
no. seriously. am I?
I'm in a strange mood tonight- like forlorn mixed with content.
I also ruined a pair of jeans today. Fortunately they were my least favorite pair.
It was Matt's birthday on Saturday. I think he had fun-he got mad at me because I apparently 'spoiled' him, which I didn't. He kept finding the good in situations, and exclaiming that they were so because it was his birthday. This made me smile for pretty much the entire night.
I made an offer I will have to back out on. A few weeks ago, I told C that I would start a Flickr 365 project with her in June (for moral support). After thinking further about the subject, I realized that not only do I dislike being the subject of pictures, but also this blog is probably stretching my limits as far as comfort zones go, and that's only because I've been blogging for nearly 4 years now, and I like to convince myself that no one reads it anyway.
I have to wonder though, what happens at day 366(or 367 for the leap year)? Is it a feeling of accomplishment or emptiness? I suppose it would be different for everyone, but I would imagine after taking a photograph of yourself for an entire year, it may become second nature or a part of the daily routine. On the other hand, it is an enormous accomplishment to have kept with something for so long, imo.
Maybe I'll quiz people once they finish.

Easter blag

Happy Easter! Today I go back to the grind of school- exciting but not really.
I just received one of my recently deceased grandmother's favorite brooches- I'm not entirely sure what to think of this, I'll go with contemplative yet happy.
I'm happy for many reasons- I'm surrounded by family (even extended), I have (most of) my homework done, it's Easter, I'm happy for what Jesus did for all of us many era's ago, after getting lots of it taken in my bridesmaid's dress fits, my boyfriend loves me, and I just got 100 dollars.
I also got to see extended family this weekend, and spend Easter with a 6 year old. I think I forgot how exciting it was when I was that young. Dying Easter eggs was amazing- I'm glad I wasn't the only one who wanted to do it this year! I also participated in the first Easter egg hunt I've ever had- but I was on the hiding side of it. I don't think I missed out on much, though. I also got to stuff Easter baskets- a first. I thought it was fun, especially doing my cousin's because I knew how excited he would be when he found it.
It might be tough going back to the grind next week- but I'm really happy I had this time to relax.

Late Night Revelations

Out late again, seeing and talking to my two "older brothers". We have such great conversations, and it was a nice time to sit back and listen to what has been going on in their lives. We got on an hour long conversation about Dragonball Z, they gave me a couple teasers about what is going to happen beyond what I've seen (sorry Matt!), and we had a nice discussion about why Piccolo is the best character, which I might agree to disagree that the best character is, in fact, Vegeta.
And sometimes my own nerdiness surprises me that I care about these kinds of things. I guess it's better than getting hooked on some lame reality TV show- and I apologize to anyone reading who likes reality TV.
Gotta say though, not all that interesting. I mean, the dramatized ones with a prize at the end- I can understand watching those, like "Biggest Loser" or "America's Next Top Model" or (gasp!) dare I say, "American Idol", even. But ones like "The Hills" -please. Reality TV soap opera.
Again, if that's your thing I apologize. Each individual is more than entitled to their own tastes.
Things I would like to see more on television would maybe be televised, public, glamorized shows that actually help people. Maybe a reality TV charity thing- that maybe builds houses for those affected by the tsunami of '05. At least the characters will be doing something worthwhile while entertaining us fat Americans. Maybe make it a competition- the one with the best project at the end gets a free vacation somewhere and maybe some money. Call it "Project Humanity".
Let's glamorize volunteerism- make those Americans get off their butts for a change.
I suppose some would call me a hypocrite for that statement, though.
Really though, what HAVE I done lately? I'm a little ashamed to say very little. Outside of organizing a nonperishable food drive in my apartment building last fall and donating to the Alzheimer's Association, I really haven't helped anyone but myself in matters not related to school or personal business. This needs to change. I guess if anyone has ideas- please post!

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

And yay for spring break! I've gotten an opportunity to re-learn LaTeX all over again, which has been interesting. Tonight I celebrated St. Patrick's day with some very good friends, and later ended out at the bar with another one of them. Green beer ftw!
It's about that time where I get super sleepy though, goodnight everyone!