blog? what?

Yeah, its been a while. I just do not have time. I barely sleep anymore.
I think Matt is starting to get frustrated that I don't spend any time with him. Now that things should be winding down, maybe I'll get to make things up to him.
Then again, looking at what I have to get done (and am currently procrastinating) maybe I'll just set up a microwave by my computer so that I don't have to take the time out of my day to physically get up and eat.
I can't believe I signed myself up for this. I think for the first time in my life I might not accomplish everything that I set out to do with the stunning success that I've experienced in the past without a lot of pain on my part. Balancing has gotten tough this year. I won't say I hate my life, but its starting to turn that way.
I'm glad things are starting to look better from this summer. Maybe I can be less moody and stressed now. I wish I could remember a time that my outlook on my life wasn't so shitty, but I can't.
angst..angst..angst..
I realize that I'm not the only one going through all this crap right now, but it's hard for me to believe that everyone is experiencing the same amount of work that I have when I go over to a certain apartment and everyone is playing zelda.
Not like I never play video games, it just seems that I don't get to do fun things like that as often as everyone else does. But maybe that's just the fact that the grass always looks greener on the other side. Or maybe I'm starting to classify sleep as something fun to do instead of a necessity.
I'm always tired. and I'm always in need of a hug.
I should see a psych. My OCD is getting worse. a lot worse. scary worse. I couldn't concentrate on a midterm in my class because I had a completely unfounded obsession that my car was getting towed. I did fine on the midterm, despite the anxiety, but its something I would rather live without. Maybe once my stress level drops below non-scary levels the OCD-ness will subside. For fuck's sake I'm color coordinating my apple jacks in the morning.
maybe I'll update with a happier note later, right now I just don't feel like it.

First Weekend

College started Tuesday. Things have been so hectic here, but they always are at the beginning of each new semester. I already have homework, which sucks, but fortunately it is not due until Friday. Unfortunately I've already started it and am probably doing it wrong. Guess that's what study groups are for, huh?
Can't wait to get the new phone. I have a feeling it may be a POS, but I know it will probably be better than a motorola anything. Yay Samsung.
Matt's been back a week, and I'm thrilled. Unfortunately, I already feel like I'm annoying him and his roommates.
Went to a frat party last night, they had a slip-n-slide. We were invited to the one that they will have next weekend (also with slip-n-slide). If I wasn't going to Hibbing... I wanted to get drunk really badly. Maybe next weekend. I always feel so awkward saying stuff like that. But it's fun. Matt is against it most of the time, which also makes me feel guilty for doing anything.
A lot of my friends are really hot/cold on the issue. On one day they'll say "yeah! let's go!" and then the next day they tell me that I should watch out, take someone with me, scary this, scary that, "I don't get drunk", "i don't want to go", etc. And yes, I know a lot of it is atmosphere. Maybe we'll see more when more of us turn 21.
I'm afraid that one day I'll look back on college and be like "gee, I wish I'd had a little more fun". Not that I don't. Its just that most of the time everyone is so damn serious.
Speaking of 'fun', there was a LAN party tonight that I attended. dramadramadramadramadrama.... and everyone gets so TENSE. How is that fun? really. It was fun to see people and everything, and play HALO (and suck at it!), but half of the people I talked to were in a pissy mood at some point in the night. And how fun is it to talk to people in pissy moods?
I guess my point is that one's mood reflects upon one's surroundings. How many people can be happy in a room where someone is crying? Extreme example, I know.
Tired. need sleep. Take it easy.

Pre-School

Last weekend, I drove to Iowa for the last time in a while to help Matt move back to New Ulm. Lets just say that my car is very relieved that it will not be making such long trips so frequently anymore. Matt agrees that he should have a car for next summer, and I'm relieved that he does. In a way, I didn't mind going to see him all the time- because that's the way it had to be. There really was no sane alternative to it. Also in a way, it totally sucked. The drive was 3.5 hours long, most of it through cornfields. I listened to a lot of books on CD, and music and such. My car totally took a beating. Most of the time I left work early to get there at a decent hour. And come home late on Sundays.
I'm glad that part of the summer is over.
The worst parts of my life seem to be looking better. I am so grateful, and wish that I could do more about it. I can't, and don't even feel like mentioning it to most people. I guess in a way I think they'll just betray me in some way if I tell them, which may or may not be ridiculous- depending on the person in question. Matt knows, and I trust him- my best friend here.
School starts Tuesday. I'm excited, but wary because I don't know if I finally bit off more than I can chew. Day at a time, soldier, day at a time. I'm really excited to get into my core curriculum here. Done with generals, I go yay.
I want Matt here. For purely selfish reasons. I can't wait until Sunday (when he moves here), but feel its redundant and pitiful to tell him so.
I think that I've finally felt that I might be important to someone else, and I like the feeling. First time I've ever felt like that about someone here. I don't want to be the center of anyone's life, but a little interest now and again is appreciated.
He's in the process of finishing a demo for a game he's programming. Honestly, how many people our age can program entire computer games? he's a humble genius. and dedicated too. He spends entire days working on it. He spent the entirety of this last week working on it. Except for one night that I know of, anyway.
I'm so happy for him

Oh Goodness Me

Wow. I learned today that a friend of mine was involved in a motorcycle accident on the Autobahn in Germany. I am so worried for him, and I'm praying for a quick recovery. A drunk driver hit him, fortunately he was wearing a helmet. His arm was severed below the elbow- they don't know if he will regain use of it.
The worst part about this is that I can't go see him. I would probably be in the way, anyway. I feel terrible that I haven't talked to him at all recently.
God will be with him, and I should be happy with that.
Please, everyone pray for him.

Sunshine in the Morning

Things have been looking a little better for me lately. I hope it stays that way. It should, most of the problems in my life have been either solved or have gotten better in some way or another.
The one that has been bothering me the most has not changed, however, and no- I'm still not going to talk about it.
I had an interesting conversation with my boss today about how he is going to help me out with something really important to me. I'm so excited and grateful.
I bought my first two books for class, and once I buy my organic lab books I'll be over $200 already. Can we say, "ouch"? I hate textbooks sometimes. Thank God for Amazon.com, and the used book sellers on there.
I actually bought mine new for half the price from them. yay.
Its still too much, however.
I went on vacation to Michigan, was very fun. Lots of driving, however it was way worth it to have Matt with me. We went on a picnic when I picked him up in Des Moines, and we stayed there that night (Wednesday), left early Thursday to Hibbing only to leave from Hibbing with my parents and our ginormous fifth wheel to some WalMart parking lot in Michigan. By the time we had gotten there it was like midnight (past my bedtime nowadays) and I really felt like a hick. Hick aside, I can see why WalMart lets campers stay in their parking lots, because Friday morning both of my parents went shopping for some forgotten goods. Friday we made it out to St. Ignace, and we spent the early afternoon with extended family, who I'm glad we saw. Later, Matt and I checked out the "Mystery Spot" where the gravitational pull is shifted to the East! In reality, we were on a hill, but in an enclosed area where they built everything tilted so your view of what was horizontal was skewed. It was cute, anyway. We then went to the beach on Lake Michigan, where the waves were amazing. We were out in the lake and the waves would topple us over, we even borrowed my cousin's boogie board and "caught" some waves. It was probably one of the most memorable moments- frolicking in the water with Matt.
My uncles and my cousin showed up not long after we were there, we had a lot of fun with them too. Saturday we went out to Mackinac Island on a ferry that took us under the bridge in celebration of its 50th anniversary. It was really neat to see it from the under side. I got some really great pictures of it, ones my uncle said were almost framing quality. yay! The island has not changed from when I remembered it. It was really neat to show Matt a glimpse of my past though. We later met my parents in Mackinac City where they took us shopping, although I don't think my Mom appreciates Matt's and my version of shopping compared to her own. She likes clothes and that kind of thing, Matt and I like to go to the toy store.
Sunday we left for a cute little campground near the border between Michigan and Wisconsin. There was a big park there and Matt and I stayed on the swings for a long time having a really deep conversation. Another favorite memory of mine.
Monday, we drove back to Hibbing so that Matt and I could drive to Minneapolis. While here we checked out the 35W bridge, or the remnants of it. I wanted to stay out of the way, yet get a good view- but I'm not sure that compromise exists. I got a few photos but I don't think it quite captures the deadly sereneness that permeates the area there. That is probably the weirdest thing- there is absolutely no activity where there used to be constant movement. It is also very precarious to see the cars perched delicately on those huge slabs of concrete.
We went back to my apartment, and a few friends came over to see him and hang out. It was nice to have him here, and was nice to cuddle at night. I really miss him.
Tuesday we drove back to Des Moines, I stayed there for a few hours, and I drove back home. Lots of driving, my poor car.
I told him next year he should get a car, and he agreed. That makes me happy, a little. I'm glad the distance is ending soon, I don't know if I could take it much longer, but it certainly has helped the time to pass by quickly. I only have a few more weeks of work! yay!
I have to get up early to cheer on C at the Gopher to Badger half marathon tomorrow- so I need some sleep.

Emo?

I just got my cartilage pierced. I'm kind of a huge fan right now, at least its distracting me a little.
Emo is such a strong word- angst maybe? Sorry if I don't have much to smile about, there is a lot of my life thats pretty screwed up right now. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just one thing, but doesn't it always seem that troubles come in hordes?
I also need to stop complaining. Buck up little soldier! God, I miss my father right now.
Saw the Simpson's movie tonight, I've seen a lot of movies over the past week- it seems the choice thing to do nowadays. It was very funny.
Parking is very close to being settled. Happy.
I've seen a lot of my friends lately too. Double happy. So happy to have them here. It will be more awesome when they're all here. Soon!
I'm going on vacation next week, starting Wednesday. In just a few days. I really need it right now, I think. But then again, who doesn't right now? I think I would be happier if I could just stay in Des Moines the whole time with Matt, but then I wouldn't get to see my extended family. I'm really glad he's coming, even if that means I have to go down to Iowa and get him. That drive is getting a little old, though.
I can't believe its almost August already. It seems like time flies by so quickly. I can't believe that I'll be 21 in about 3 months. Not like its going to change much, haha. I feel like I'm a bad influence on a few of my friends, though. I got Tyler to drink for the first time last night, now I can only think 'what have I done?' At least he had fun, I think. He wants to do it again, so it must not have been too terrible. I think Dan has drank before, so I don't feel so bad. And it was his beer haha. Alcohol makes people say things they shouldn't, and I did. At least the reaction was the same, and I probably learned some things I normally wouldn't have.
At least it wasn't too awkward today.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

So, a lot has happened- news-wise. My two best girl friends from Hibbing are getting married- both next summer. I'm really good friends with one of their fiancees, and was so thrilled to hear that they were engaged. Those two are really meant for each other. The other fiancee I've only talked to online, and I think he understands how lucky he is that he has her. And, as previously noted, my brother is also getting married to the woman of his dreams next summer as well. I am so happy for all three couples, and hope that I find the happiness that they share some day.
At the same time, I can't help thinking about marriage. I know that I'm not ready, nowhere near it. But at the same time it doesn't have that bite it used to. I may actually look forward to it someday.
The summer is coming to an end, I'm not sure if I'm relieved or sad. I like my job, however it will be nice to get back into the school thing. And I miss Matt way too much. On the other hand I won't get to see my family and friends in Hibbing so often soon either.
I will be excited to finally move into my apartment. This should happen in about a month, I think. Unfortunately, we only get 24 hours to switch apartments, so whatever moving that needs to be done needs to be done fast. ick.
Grandma Young died this month. I can't believe she's not with us any more. It used to be the largest reason we went back to Bay City. Its so far, and whenever we go someone always gets mad at us for not staying with them, seeing them long enough, etc. I don't think my extended family realizes how stressful they can make our vacations sometimes. But Grandma- she was happy for any time you were able to spend with her. Fred was by far her favorite great-grandchild, especially when he was younger. I'm surprised he took her death as well as he had. I'm happy she's with Grandpa now, and all the fish she could ever want to catch. I will always remember them whenever I go fishing or camping- it was their enthusiasm that drove our own, and I owe them for all the happy memories my family had while camping for starting the fever within us.
Today after work I started driving. just driving. In the general direction of home. Not sure why. Kind of like when I take a walk, but more expensive. I miss my walks at night. So much beauty in the night sky at home. No lights. Just God.

Pre-Fourth Activities

Goodness, its been a while, and a few things have happened.
For one, I am officially debt free. as of right now. Not like any one but me cares, but its exciting just the same. I want to celebrate, but there is nobody to do that with.
It just seems like there is never anybody around. Maybe I drive people away. Am I snobby? I don't mean to be. I'm blunt sometimes, and it comes off as bitchy. Maybe that's what bitchy is. Needless sharing of bad opinions. I'll work on it. I'll add it to the list of character defects I'm working on.
Grandma Young died. Last Wednesday. So sudden- got a call at work. Started to cry, its kind of amusing (now it is) how men react to a women crying- like "Its broken! Do something! Fix it!" /panic. So I got the rest of the week off, drove home. Drove to Michigan. Drove back. I need to do something about driving home though. There seems to be an evil stretch of highway that I drive on my way home from work that makes me cry most days. I think its because I recognize it whenever I drive past it, reminded where I started simultaneously bawling and driving, and then it makes me think of Grandma. Then I cry. Probably not safe.
Her funeral was cute. Like her. Very casual- very like her. Closed casket. She threatened my Grandma Kiesel (this was my Great Grandmother that died) that if "[my] kids open the casket on me I swear I'll sit up and wink at every one of 'em". Most people know my feelings on "reborn" or "modern" Christianity, which was the funeral service, so I'm going to leave off commenting on that. I cried. In front of people. How embarassing, second time it happened too. Didn't make it much better that while I was regaining my composure my well-meaining Aunts were trying to introduce me to 'Aunt soandso, and Uncle whatshisface'.
Couple weeks ago drove up north to cheer a friend running Grandma's Marathon. She is so inspiring- so strong, so happy. I am so honored to call her my friend. I took a few friends up there, one got heat stroke and was also allergic to Snickers. I feel SO bad... I know its not my fault, but I still feel like I could have done something more about it.
Had a surprise birthday party for a very good friend of mine tonight. I was so happy to see everyone there, and to hang out with everyone. Mostly I was happy we were having a party for this one particular friend. He's probably the closest friend I have here.
And of course, I still miss Matt. Like a lot. I don't ever see that changing. I see him in two weekends! And I really need a "hug" right now.

Thoughts

Memorial Day weekend- awesome.

I can't believed I helped move him farther away from me. I can't believe he's stayed with me for so long and is not sick of me yet. Everyone gets sick of me. Even me.

Bored. Bored. Booooorrrreeedddd. Read a book. no. okay.

I can't tell if they love me or despise me at work. Depends on the day and what data I give them- not cool. I should just work for the other people and take the raise. I guess it wasn't an official job offer, but I know what they get paid there. Its more than what I'm getting now, and God knows I kind of need the money right now to dig myself out of this hole I put myself in.

Why can't I like being a miner- at least I would be able to live at home. At home people like me.

Why can't I stop complaining???

Need. alcohol. now. of the golden draft variety. you know what I'm talking about Trav. And now I feel like an alcoholic. Or just stressed and need to chill in less destructive ways.

I miss him. I am worried about him too. hes alone. At least in New Ulm he was with his family. Strange feeling though. I'm so proud of him I could burst. I'm so happy for him. This is a huge step in his career. Kind of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, in a way. To be sooo independent... new state, job, apt all to oneself. I guess he didn't want this all but it was thrust upon him anyway. So proud that he's stepped up to the plate and taken it all in, in stride and with a smile upon his face. So proud. Such a nice smile too...

Two of my best friends are engaged. so happy for them. They will have really cute kids that I am going to spoil, even though they are not related to me by blood.

Looked up Greyhound bus tickets. So expensive. How do they sleep at night? It might even be cheaper to fly. Ok thats an exaggeration. But I could go to Des Moines and back at least twice and it would still be cheaper than going Greyhound. What a ripoff.

Worried about C. Can't be easy. Worried about Nic too- geez that must be tough. The separation will end before you know it. just hang in there. I'm rooting for you guys, and I know you can make it.

Why would there be steps leading down into the river in Des Moines? Boof you never called me back to tell me. Am now sad.

Burnt my finger on a plate. Ow. I take Advil.

I see Stonich tomorrow, probably. Feel bad that I took so long to get back to him. Maybe I will talk to him about moving back to Hibbing, maybe not. Doesn't seem right what he did to his parents- leaving them for his biological parents within a week or two of being contacted by them. Apparently he just .. left. one day. That would suck to be his parents.

well, guess that's enough mind rambles for a night- if you are bored give me a jingle! chances are I am too.

Mind Rambles

This semester has gone by way too fast.
I mean, I'm going to be so so happy to be finally finished with organic, (except that silly lab), but I'm not going to be so happy when Matt moves to Iowa. Gee, this all sounds SO familiar.
He also wonders why I cry sometimes when he talks about it.
Yeah, I'm not in the worst circumstance, I know. And again, if you are reading this and are suffering from a worse circumstance than I, I just don't want to hear it right now. It will just make me feel worse. I also realize that this is very selfish of me on several levels.
I should be happy for him, shouldn't I? I shouldn't let my experiences with Jon color my judgment. This will all end in three months, I can make it that long. Three things I keep telling myself. They seem to help less and less each time I hear them.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for him. Ecstatic. He is so amazing and totally deserves this job, not to mention its something he might actually want to do. The fact that its in Iowa shouldn't matter, but it does somehow. One bright side to things: I've never actually been to Iowa. Jon and I parted ways before I ever got a chance to see him at ISU, and I haven't really had an inclination to go since. Thinking of Jon, its been too long since I've seen him, I would like to keep him as a friend.
I just hope to be working my ass off so that I barely have time to sleep/eat much less relax and think about him. Several good things will come of this- I will have lots of money, and I won't think about him. Speaking of money, having some would be nice right now.
Why is it that everything all happens at once?
Life seems like a sine wave with a long period. There's ups and downs, but once you get through them, there is a period of slow stability that you use to get over what just happened.
Yes. I am a nerd.
This weekend was a complete nerd-fest for me, which is always a good thing imho. Relay for Life was kind of a life-changing event, and I got to get to know some people that I haven't had time to speak with. The luminaria ceremony almost made me cry, which used to say something, until Matt turned me into a blubbering idiot. I think others crying makes me cry the most, it hurts me to see others in pain. Weird trait of mine, I guess.
Next night was the IT ball, which was also a jar of fun. I like getting dressed up, it kind of reminds me that I can actually be kind of pretty once in a while. I'm also glad that my roommate came, I'll admit I would probably have been lonely without my best friend there.
Today I went to church, its been a while. I really felt it when I came back, even if it was a catholic mass. Somehow, I always feel like I'm not really accepted there. I know I am, and even the Priest would probably tell me I am. Its just a weird feeling that isn't going to escape me, no matter how many masses I go to. I still hold that its better than the reborn Christian theme that seems to permeate the protestant services. At least the ones I've been to. C says her church is not that bad, maybe this summer we can go together.
I understand people like the reborn Christian services. Somehow singing Christian pop ballads doesn't constitute a service song for me. It seems more like something you would sing by yourself in your car. And it doesn't make me feel any closer to Jesus singing it. If that's your style, by all means go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. I just ask the same respect. If you are reading this and are offended, chances are you know me- talk to me in person and we can discuss this further.
Another thing I am looking forward to at the close of this semester (besides lack of organic, of course) is the amazing summer I'm going to spend with my three roommates (for next fall), and all of the people I have yet to meet.

Bomb Threat

In the middle of organic chemistry, learning about... well... organic-y-stuff, a police officer barges in and interrupts my lecturer's speech, saying that the building was being evacuated and that we were all to leave. Best day of O.Chem in my life.
In a panic, the class emptied and I probably did the worst thing imaginable-I called my mom. She tends to worry, and this didn't help. woopsie. I believe her advice was something along the lines of 'make sure to travel in crowds and always keep lots of people around you'. I realized she was talking about shrapnel.
I thought the whole thing was a drill up until they told us that we could not even be in the vicinity of the building- then I headed towards the grad students that I do research with. I figured they would at least tell them what is going on. Turns out that they knew a little more than I did- that there was in fact a bomb threat and the whole side of the mall was being evacuated because of it (7 buildings!). Rumors are that Smith was the main target, which scares me. I can't imagine how many bottles of toxic chemicals are in that building.
I guess I kind of expected something like this to happen, especially after the Virginia Tech shootings. I never would have expected it to happen here, though.
All the hype is scaring me, in a weird way. I am used to bomb threats, albeit not in this magnitude, yet I am still a bit freaked out. Probably too much nastiness that has occurred over this past week. First Virginia Tech, a few other nasty things, and now this.
God, be with those in Virginia, and if you have some spare time save the creep who did this.

On the Elevator

This totally almost ruined my day.
After walking back in the cold wind talking to a good friend and not looking forward to going to work, I got on the elevator and pushed the floor that I lived on. Besides my friend and I, a douchebag on a cell phone saunters on, as douchebags do, and pushes 2.
2?!
I could have kicked the lazy piece of crap, but in retrospect I believe glaring at him the whole way up was a better alternative.
I also understand, if you live on two and are physically disabled, or are carrying a heavy package, that elevator use is very practical. This person did not fit the above qualifications. hence: douchebag. And here's the hooker: (as one of my favorite professors once said) as we were riding in the elevator up ONE floor, he looked at me as if to say "what?"
He must be from Carlson.

Vagabond Pineapple

Vagabond Pineapple. One of my better aliases. MSN generated, but Beth approved.
Yay for college. Again, sorry its been a while. Life seems to have caught up with me and drug me along with it just like my dad drags me along in the boat when I go tubing.
I'm getting really sick of living here. The apartment next year shall be grand. I need a change of pace or something. Preferably slower.
Speaking of the apartment- I am very excited. To be able to have my own kitchen... well... one I share with three other girls anyway. To be able to come home late... and still be able to eat! To have non-UDS food. To decorate for holidays. To make our own rules. To go grocery shopping for things that aren't soup and water. To be able to decorate in general. To have a teeny bit more space. To live with the best girls that I've met down here. minus a few, of course- I mean, who would want to live in an apartment of 8 people? that's outrageous!
We originally applied for a five person apartment. In early November. We finally heard back in late January, only to hear that we didn't get it. However, one of our friends that applied after we did got a five person apartment. How does this work? I don't know. So now we had to pretty much leave one girl stranded and downsize. The only fortunate thing about this is that she will be studying abroad next spring, and would only need the apartment for fall semester. I still feel terrible about this, and the future landlady I've tried to contact will not answer my questions on the matter.
Then again, I guess I've never really lived life all that slowly. Looking back at high school I don't really regret not having time for myself, however. I guess it made the bad parts pass all that more quickly. I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had more time.
I miss my friends in Hibbing.
I'm going to California in a month! Having never been outside the midwest, one of my life goals is to see the ocean. Perhaps one day I will make a list of things to do before I die, but that seems so mortal and gloomy. California is going to be very exciting. Just buying the ticket I got an adrenaline rush comparable to finishing my last final of a semester.
Speaking of class in one semester I will never take chemistry or math again. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. Also- next semester, I will wish that I did have to take math or physics again because its apparently super difficult.
I am thoroughly enjoying the internship, on the other hand. I know why I want to be a chemical engineer. I think its the work environment.
Took a trip to New Ulm this past weekend. We surprised Michael (his younger brother) and brought him to St. Paul to see one of his favorite wrestlers. Driving 400 miles was totally worth the surprised look on Michael's face. Also- I think its important that he would be able to meet one of his idols. Living in the boonies as I did growing up, I was never able to actually meet a celebrity until I went to the warped tour after 11th grade. Yeah, admitting to have met the types of celebrities I liked then would be an embarrassment now, but then it would have mattered a big deal to me.
Have to get my license plate tags renewed. Have no idea where to do that. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll ask the guys in the lab. They're grad students. Married (most). and probably have vehicles.
Its been a year with Matt. An amazing year, so much has happened. I won't drone on lest I make everyone ill.
Driving home over winter break, it started to snow. Because it was the first time it had really snowed this winter, at first I was happy, then sad to realize that I would be driving through it. I love to watch snow fall. Anyway, while driving, I noticed a huge patch of I-35 S was closed off. A few miles later- I saw a semi in the ditch, the front half slightly mangled. A tire in the middle of the road. and a black pancake. I think it used to be a car- was then about 3 feet high. If they lived it would have been a miracle. Its kind of like I saw someone die. but not really. So I said a quick prayer for the souls of the victims of the accident. kind of a morbid thought- thats probably the closest I've been to God recently.
and it made me kind of sad.