oopsies

Happy Thanksgiving! I guess it's been a while since my last update. The semester is almost over, and its been a very busy one for me. Fortunately I'm still surviving and probably doing the best I've ever done in college. Trust me, I'm not getting used to it.
Fred, my younger brother, is engaged to his girlfriend of 3? years. Its very exciting but somewhat scary, considering that hes younger than I. I get used to it a little more every day, and I kind of figured it would happen eventually. I'm really happy for him though, she is really a great person and he's lucky to have her. I think he knows it too.
Work is going awesome, I'm still at the internship. I don't get in as many hours as I would like to, but a general update on what is going on is always nice. Plus I like the spending money.
I'm really sick of staying in the dorms. I'm ready to be OUT. Getting my bathroom cleaned for me is nice, however. Eating UDS everyday, not so much. There are five of us, myself included, that want to get an apartment together. Unfortunately, most apartments are for four people. We found apartments that will take five people but the one we want to get into has only five potentially available apartments. I pray that we get one, otherwise we have to resort to plan B which sounds like we will have to kick one person out or find another person or something to that extent and get two rooms. That doesn't sound like fun, imo. I just hope this works out.
I'm really excited to move out of here. I asked for a toaster for Christmas, I'm that excited. Living a yell away from all the guys, I'll definitely miss though.
I figured out that I'm paying about $1000 a month to live here, food and board. $600 is rent, understandable given that its pretty much downtown Minneapolis and on campus. $400 for food?!?! wtf. plus it sucks hardcore.
I figure you can probably feed four or five on about $200 a month... good estimate?
Matt and I are doing wonderful. there really isn't much to comment on other than that. Well, and I don't know what to get him for Christmas. I guess I have a little less than a month to figure it out.
I made him a pie. I'm so proud of myself. So homey. And I can show off my baking skills- hey, i can't make dinner but I'm pretty damn good at dessert.
well, anything with a recipe anyway.
That's all for now, take it easy... and happy belated Turkey Day!

College is around the corner

I can't wait to move back to college. I'm ready for a change of pace.

What is very annoying is that I had a long well-thought-out rant on pretty much everything for the past two weeks. and then my hand hit my mouse pad on my laptop and navigated away from the page and I lost everything. Now I can't remember anything I typed before.

I was able to go to Hibbing last weekend. I find that the more I am away from the place the more I miss it. I might actually look forward to going back one day. It was nice to see my parents and brother and old friends. Matt Stonich, a friend of mine, leaves for the Air Force soon. He plans on driving jets, I wish him luck and safeness, and I will definitely worry for him, just like I do with Nosie (Navy). I was able to see Grant for the first time this summer, I have had bad timing every other time I've been home. I played guitar hero on the PS2 and it was as amazing as I have heard it could be.

Krysti transferred to UND from the U of MN. Man, am I going to miss her. I hope she does well, and I know she will in whatever she chooses to do.

Grant only has one year left and then he is done with school for good, it sounds like. Good for him, albeit a little scary that my friends are starting to finish their schooling. Trav starts his first year this year, I am so happy for him. Erica and Herrboldt are doing the HCC thing again for another year, and it sounds like my brother's girlfriend will be taking the year off. Good luck to them all, however I miss them too much.

Trav and Erica saw me a few weeks ago- we went to Valleyfair and the Mall of America. Matt came up from New Ulm and went too. It was overall a great weekend, but I think I'm starting to get a little old for Valleyfair. Even though I've only been there twice now. Matt and I had a caricature done. It ended up turning out really cute, the person drawing it had really bright blue eyes. His name was Antwon, he was amazing, and Matt and I are positive the caricature was worth staring at Antwon draw.

Work is fine, I can't complain. Apparently I work too much, personally I think I can't work enough. I will be able to keep the job over the school year, so we will see how the semester goes. Maybe I will sleep on weekends...

Living here over the summer has made me realize two things about myself: I should get married one day, and I probably shouldn't live in a large city. Having Mike's house completely to myself for pretty much two weeks made me so lonely and depressed. I don't like the feeling, and it made me realize that I need companionship. I definitely wouldn't want to live in a large city because people drive like idiots. This and everyone is packed into every nook and cranny like sardines. I'm sorry, I really need my space. I don't like people that much. When I want to go shopping I don't want twelve other people staring over my shoulder. When I go to work and drive 20 miles on a freeway, it shouldn't take 45 minutes. Yet these things happen in high population areas. Therefore, one day I will leave and live in a smaller town. Probably about the size of Duluth. I like Duluth.

As for the rest of my life, it goes by as usual. I miss Matt entirely too much, I can't wait to see all of my friends again, and I can't wait to see my parents this weekend when my brother moves into his apartment in St.Paul. And I want to see Snakes on a Plane. I don't care how cheesy it is.

i probably shouldnt be blogging now

here is a wonderful way to start a blog:
I'm tired, sad, and a little depressed.

Unfortunately, this is how I just started it. Matt left today to go home, I realize he lives there but I dont want him to leave me here, and I dont want to go there- I like my job too much.

There is a chance I will have my job through the school year. Not sure how I feel about that yet, but I guess I can make time for it, I've always been pretty good about doing that. With FVEM and research and now a job, who needs sleep anyway? It would be nice to see Matt and do other things once in a while too.

A quote my Dad always said that will always stick with me; "Buck up little soldier" and I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing that I will always remember when he said that to me. I guess it puts a new face on things: you can't change it so stop crying about it.

I've been reading a few of my friends' blogs. They seem to have such sucky lives right now, reading them usually make me happy or take my mind off of current matters, but the ones I've been reading are so depressing- "which job should I quit?", "I am stupid", and "I have no free time" seem to be the main issues right now- and not by just one of my friends- all three of these are in different blogs by my friends. I have these issues too- I think everyone does. Some of them put themselves in these positions, and I can understand why, getting a well-paying good experience job is so rare at this stage in our lives we often have to take a few crappy ones. If one (or two in some cases) good jobs open up and offer positions one would have to be half retarded to not take them, unfortunately this also means retaining a job previously committed to or take both nice jobs offered. This situation has plagued at least four of my friends and I'm baffled. I guess I didn't realize such a situation could be so widespread.

Ramblings

Summer is almost over, six weeks left.

I like Summer and everything, but I'm ready for school to start again. It really sucks when the ones you love most are at least 100 miles away. Oh yeah, thanks Bush. Gas prices SUCK.

How is it that I'm working my ass off 40+ hours a week and I find myself completely broke?

We set up a 18-foot tall crystallizer today. So many people tell me that my summer is 'more productive' than the rest of my classmates. How can they know? They don't know my classmates. I go to school with a crapload of fricking Einstein children. They probably read textbooks in their freetime.

I guess it depends on your definition of 'more productive'

Matt and I have been going out for six months. He bought me a necklace. Nobody has ever done that for me. Its from a jewlery store- I really really hope he didn't spend too much on me, I already figure its way more than I've spent on him. I know 'its not the gift its the thought' or whatever, but I feel really really guilty when there is such a huge price difference.

On a happy note, we have been able to see each other fairly regularily. It really has made the Summer pass more quickly. Time goes by too fast when I see him, though. I miss him now.

Cassi's wedding was pretty fun. The relatives kept asking me about Matt. Ellie came. I was ignored for the most part, less than usual however. My Uncle was concerned about underage drinking. I was wondering what he expected: Cassi just turned 20, all of her friends are 19/20, she has two younger sisters who also had friends there, her husband is 20, his friends are 20. The only legal ones there were my Aunts and Uncles and her older brother. Obviously underage drinking would be a problem.

It was really great to see relatives and everyone, but it was great to be back here too. This was the first time I've flown in a long time, and the first time by myself. It was an awesome experience, and I can't wait to do it again.

Trav and Erica are coming down to see me in a week and a half. I can't wait. I guess some other Hibbing-ites might come. I think if they do, we should look at hotel rooms. I would feel really bad if I had a mini-party here while the Kaedings were gone and trusting me with their house. If it was my own house I probably wouldn't have a problem with it. I barely know these people, and would feel really really bad if too many people stayed here- it just looks wrong. As if I'm having a party when I'm really not.

Happy Fourth of July!

For the Fourth of July. I was fortunate to share a four day weekend with Matt in New Ulm. It was an amazing four days, I wish they would have lasted longer. Now I won't see him for a while, but I think I can make it even though I will miss him like crazy.
Last Thursday my best friend from elementary school came to visit me. Alice and I have kept our friendship going for over 12 years, even though I don't get to see her that often. Its pretty amazing when you only see a good friend every so often; as soon as you meet again its as if you never seperated. Sure, things are a little different now, but she and I will always be friends and its really amazing to think how long friendships can last if given time and comittment. She is interning at a resort in Brainerd, MN for the summer, hence her ability to come visit me. I wish I could go visit her but it is very hard to get away, and when I do I see either Matt or family in Hibbing. This was her first time in a large city, and I was able to show her around and show off my horrible driving skills. Seriously, I've never driven as bad as I did when she was in the car. (ick). After getting lost, we made it to he Mall of America and ate at Hooters- great chicken wings, by the way. HAHA. We both purchased T-Shirts and were then attacked by mall vendors trying to sell hand cream from the Dead Sea. Apparently, this happens all the time.
Friday I was able to see the Devil wears Prada with Laurie C Missy Adam David and Ellen, college friends. The movie was pretty good, despite the fact that we had to wait in Applebees for two hours because I have a serious inability to plan anything lately.
Saturday, I finally saw Matt. We spent the best weekend I've had in a long time together. The weather was warm, New Ulm is beautiful, and best of all, it was with him. I guess I sound pretty pathetic when I say I miss him already and it hasn't even been a day since I've seen him last. The worst part is that I started to cry when I left-how embarassing. Except for that part, I had a great time, and I can't wait to see him again, even though it will be at least three weeks from now. Fortunately this period of long distance will end, and it isn't so bad now anyway. At least he tries to see me...
I only regret not spending more time with my own family this weekend. It isn't a very big regret, either. Mom seemed sad that I was not coming home, but I think she understood. I will see them in a week and a half if not in a few days anyway. Cassie's wedding is so close-it suprised me how fast it came. That means that over half of the summer is over, a bittersweet idea. Summer will be over, but I will get to see more of my friends and more of Matt again.
Now I just need to figure out how to get by in an airport... yeesh.. wish me luck!

Religion

Even though school has ended and I do not have the awesome Hope bus to take me to church every sunday, I continue to go most Sundays. This time, I go with Mike's family, who I am living with for the duration of the summer. They are evangelical protestants, from what I've observed, and it seems that most of Forest Lake feels the same way. During the past month I have visited two churches.
The first church Mike's family has gone to for what seems like forever, compared to my church-going background. The first service, I stepped in and there seemed to be an old hippie waving a flag while a band played on the stage. yes. stage. At least there was a center isle... After beginning church, and singing a few christian songs, the (pastor?) started preaching about Mother's day and asked all the women in the congregation to meet him in front of the church. At this point I was wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Being very conservative in religious matters, I did not stand and walk to the front... I think there were maybe four or five other girls who did the same as I. Needless to say, it was creepy. Then to make it worse, the man asked all the men to stand around the women and put their hands up and pray. Inside, I screamed. Once all these shenanigans were through the man then started yelling and ranting about how women and men should stay married- no matter what- and stated that women cannot nurture children properly unless accompanied by a husband. Not only is this untrue, it insulted me and ruined any respect I could have for that man. One example: if a man is beating or verbally abusing his wife- how the fuck can a woman nurture a child in that environment?!? This is a perfect example of how certain criminals of society were raised. In the preacher man's eyes-geez can I even call him such a term- the woman should stay married to the man and nurture the child in this environment. I believe that God, in this case, would want the woman to leave the man and take the kid with her. There are very well and good reasons for divorce today and I certainly believe that children can be brought up without a father- dead or divorced. I was subjected to another service in this church two weeks later. Even though it was not creepy, the man tiraded yet another sermon and further unimpressed me.
Today, I went to a different church. Mike's family have been "shopping around" for a new church- I do not question why. This one, Eaglebrook, they seem to like. There are police escorts directing traffic into the parking lot of the church, which is good... safe... and it made me excited to see why all of these people would come to this church. Eaglebrook boasts at least four services per weekend and a church that cannot hold all of its members. Again, I was excited to see why all these people would come to such a church. Walking inside, I thought it looked like a hotel lobby, but not being one to judge a book for its cover- I withheld judgement until the service started.
It started out more like a rock concert than anything. Whatever happened to worship songs?!? People don't seem to know the difference between Christian rock and worship songs. Worship songs are hymnals- as unexciting as they may be, and psalms- directly from THE BIBLE. Speaking of the Bible- there weren't any in this church. What kind of church doesn't have Bibles?? Seriously. How could this be credible? There was no scripture read, no hymns sung, and the worst part was that the congregational area was designed like an auditorium. There was a stage and no aisle. It almost seemed as if we went to see a church rock show with guest speaker- that is exactly what it was. It was even broadcasted to another church! There were also several positive things that may or may not have suprised me. The quantity of people was incredible. If people wish to gather like that to hear the word of God, it is perfectly fine by me. Just don't call it church. Also, the (pastor?) ahem.. "speaker" was excellent. I almost wish he spoke at the first church- then I would go. And ignore the hippie.
After the service at Eaglebrook I was given a tour by Mike of what else the church has to offer. I was suprised- shocked. There is a "kids zone" and an arcade. An arcade! Why?? There was also a book store and coffee shop. Eaglebrook no longer seemed like a hotel lobby, it seemed more like a plaza center. I was about to ask where the public pool was when we left (haha kidding).
Please don't take these views offensively, because that is exactly what they are- my views. I guess you could view this as a disclaimer or a warning that traditional churches are dying and I yearn for them, the lessons they taught, and values they instilled.
Back in the day, the Bible was the most important thing in a church- it seems that they have driven themselves far from that value.
Maybe I should just convert to Catholicism. Ironically those churches seem to keep the closest to teaching directly from the Bible. At least the few churhces that I've been to.

Its over!

Freshman year at the University of Minnesota is officially over! I can 't believe how much has changed since last September. I've met so many people and I think I've matured a little along the way.
Matt leaves today, I leave tomorrow. After this, its very probable that it will be over a month before I see him again. After three failed attempts in long distance relationships, this doesn't look promising- except that the seperation ENDS! This and the fact that three months can pass faster than one would think, especially if the said months are in the summer, make me realize that we can do this, and it (hopefully) won't be as terrible as it sounds.
He is meeting the family in a month, at Fred's grad party. I feel bad, I'm springing most of my extended family, my brother, and Hibbing on him at the same time. Good thing he is really easy-going, I just hope he still likes me when its all over :E
I've also learned a lot. Wow, imagine going to college and learning a few things! I'm really going to miss everyone here- all the people on my floor are like one big family. Next year though, we will still be in the same vicinity, which will be different, yet the same. I'm rooming with the same girl next year, I'm really happy I got such a great roomate. Seeing some of the people on the floor that I could have ended up with, I realize that my roomate and I are probably the best match for each other.
I start work on Monday, I move into Mike's house tomorrow. I am really excited for both adventures, but I don't know what time I start working on Monday yet...
I will for sure keep you updated on my adventures over the summer, there is bound to be quite a few-
until then!

Weekend in New Ulm

Last weekend I met Matt's (the boyfriend's) parents, and spent a day and a half in New Ulm, where he grew up. You know that nervous/excited feeling that you get before a large exam, performance, or presentation? Imagine having three times this feeling (I also had two large exams) for a week. Not a pleasant experience, I assure you.
I hypothesized that one way to calm this feeling is to forget about it. Fortunately for me, there happened to be an "awkward 90's dance" on the floor Friday night. (Unfortunately, this meant I had to deal with the nasty butterflies in my stomach for most of the week). The dance itself was very fun, albeit awkward (I live on a floor made up of entirely guys in technology majors), and helped me to forget about the next morning. Hypothesis proven true. And bonus! I got to yank men off the wall to dance with me. haha.
Saturday, I woke a good hour before my roomate and was even able to watch cartoons in the lounge before Matt came looking for me. I don't remember the last time I've seen Saturday morning cartoons.
After meeting Matt's Uncle and a pleasant two-hour drive (it's wonderful compared to my drive home-which is twice as far), we arrived in New Ulm and I met his parents. I believe meeting his parents went well, although I will probably never know for sure. There was an uncomfortable moment on Sunday morning when my greatest fear for the weekend nearly came true- they asked me to attend church with them. Why would I be afraid of this? Church is church, right? To understand my fear, you would have to understand that Matt's family is Catholic, he grew up raised strictly Catholic, went to a Catholic private school, and I would have stood out like a sore thumb, being Presbyterian. I know his family knows that I'm not Catholic, and they are okay with it, however it still bothers me that I'll never really live up to their standards because of my faith.
After meeting his family and another Uncle, I was granted the pleasure of meeting his brother and later, his sister. His entire family seemed very welcoming and pleasant- but then again so is my cat until she bites you. Hopefully, I made a good impression and the feelings were genuine. They did seem to want to see me again...
Matt took me on a drive around New Ulm and I saw some pretty awesome things- a State Park, a brewery, a mall much like Hibbing's (although built nicer), his high school, the Kraft and 3M factories, mini golf course, and the downtown area. Overall- a nice drive and tour of New Ulm. Then we went to dinner and by chance met one of his Aunts and cousins and his Grandma. Later, we picked up one of Matt's friends and we went to the casino. This being my first trip to a casino, and considering the past few days, it might be an understatement to say I was a bit overwhelmed by all of the people and blinking lights in the casino. After stumbling about like an idiot for about an hour, I finally settled down at a nickel slot and won about two dollars. Unfortunately, I didn't cash out and just played the two dollars- but it was worth it. There really is something magical about spinning numbers and pictures.
After our casino trip- Matt won about 18 dollars- we drove back to his friends house and played the second best playstation game I've ever played- Parappa the Rapper. What is really nice about it, is that it is something I could actually beat in a day. Giant plus.
Sunday, I was taken to lunch with his family, and we drove home.
Overall, I hope the weekend was successful. And by hope, I mean believe.
On a darker note, there are only two weeks left of school- this means finals. Of course, I'm not ready- who really is? Hopefully within the next two weeks I will manage to remember all I've learned over this past semester. Hopefully.

high on life

As the title suggests, I am extremely high on life right now. Things have been going right for me, for once. I received a job offer for the internship in White Bear Lake- and I will be living with Mike over the summer. So not only do I have a well paying job for this summer, I also get to live with a good friend and his family for cheap. I am also giving a poster presentation for my research with Professor Stein in a few weeks, and I already have the poster finished. I planned on emailing a very rough draft of my poster to him this past weekend, but apparently he liked it so much that he changed very little, and even complimented me on my work. I am also going with Matt, my boyfriend, to New Ulm to meet his family and to see the city in which he grew up. Just for kicks. I am really excited about this, albeit a little nervous. I'll start pacing in a week or so...
I love Matt- he's amazing. no questions about it.
It is also spring. finally. officially. It's been "warm" all winter long, but there is very little snow left, if any, and the grass and trees are green. greener than when I came here in September. Its gorgeous outside- people are laying on the lawns doing homework (I will probably join them soon)- and the sun is out. Its warm enough to be comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, my usual ensemble, which is perfect weather- as far as I'm concerned.
I may see a Twins game on Wednesday, meaning I need to complete my homework for the week by tonight. Fortunately, my homework is mostly completed- especially since this poster is out of the way now.
So as you can see, not a lot is wrong right now- this may change, especially once I start my physics homework, but with the current weather and lack of poster work- I doubt it will get me down for long.
Unfortunately, I have recently realized that I will be unable to see my friends or family much over the summer, and I am not sure I will be able to attend my cousin's wedding in July. I hope that I can- even if I am only able to be there for the weekend. On the upside of things, I don't have to return to the pithole known as Hibbing. I will be visiting home often anyway, I'm sure.
What can I say, God is good to me :)

need.sleep.

Spring Break has just started. I didn't really want to leave the cities, but the dorms were creepily silent and I was happy to leave eventually. I do feel bad for the two guys there that I know are staying for the week by themselves.
The semester has been going suprisingly well. The movie project has come to a close, for the most part anyway. We still need to finish editing the beast and promote its ass. I'm in charge of getting the officers together and organizing a meeting concerning these issues. Also- I think we should have a party. something non-stressful. therefore, Mike can't plan it. lol.
Life has gone on as usual. I've become a little sleep deprived, but that is nothing new to me, and it's expected; considering my course load and the fact that I am, in fact, in college. By definition, I must be sleep deprived.
Today, I got to ride a taxi for the first time in a loooong time. It was pretty exhilarating. Thank you Laurie!! After I rode with her to the airport (our destination), there was a mob of women and girls waiting for the lightrail being coached on how to ride the light rail, the glories of the light rail, and how the world was going to end if they didn't get off at nicollet. I wondered if the women in the group (aduld women that seemed pretty capable of riding a train by themselves) could have handled it without the lesson on the light rail. I did think it was a little cute though.
The laboratory work I am doing is going suprisingly well. I am learning a lot, and much of it involves graduate level chemistry concepts. Hopefully this will help me in the long run...
I also got an interview for an internship in White Bear Lake!! I reeeaaallly hope this goes. Then I won't have to come back here for the summer. I also applied for a full time research job at the U over the summer- with Professor Stein. I guess I also have a good chance of getting that too. I just hope I dont have to come back here. But I also don't want to find somewhere to live. Difficult decisions...
I've only been in Hibbing for about 12 hours and I am already bored out of my mind. I can't believe how much Minneapolis grows on you until you come back only to be alienated from your hometown. I guess it would have helped a little if I had come back between now and winter break...
Northern Minnesota is like another place altogether from the city. Instead of never seeing a tree, you never see a home. Even the power lines are different (obv). However, it is home- even though I seem to have two now. Not that I can't cope. I don't grow attached to my surroundings really. Just give me somewhere to eat and sleep and do my homework- I'll make do with the rest.
It is getting late, however, and my lack of sleep is catching up with me...

Thought of the day....

Love is like diarrhea; warm and explosive.

want a free video ipod?

I guess this is actually legitimate.
http://www.YourFreeVideoiPods.com/index.php?ref=1671219

try it if you feel adventurous. A friend of mine said that you don't get any spam from it, I guess we'll see.

A trip to Chucky Cheese

Last night a group of friends and I took a field trip to the abode of a certain Chuck E. Cheese. It was the first time that I had ever been there, and it was an experience worth remembering. Besides the fact that its tailored to the 8 and under age category, the games there were suprisingly fun.
Upon entering the place, we were greeted with the loud laughter of children and the smell of greasy pizza. Hungry as all hell, the group of us sat down, well aware that we were at least ten years older than most of the people there. While waiting for pizza, My friend Boof and I experimented with the video cameras that they had set up near the eating place. You could zoom in on anyone in the room and whatever you saw would come up on the big screen. Finally, our pizza came so boof and I stopped tormenting our friends by zooming in on their faces so the little kids in the room could watch them talk. That, and there was a little girls birthday party on the table next to us and they were starting to arrive. While eating our delicious greasy pizza, the 'show' started to come to life- there was a huge robot Chuck E. Cheese and he danced, kinda, and music started to play. As all of this happened, we watched the little girls dance and some guy go in the back room. A few minutes later, Chuck E. Cheese came out of the same door! I can't believe that no one has figured that one out yet. I thought little kids were smarter than that. Anyway, once the 'show' was over, they sang "Happy Birthday" to the little girl, and of course we joined in. I bet she got the serenade of her life. After everything, Chuck E Cheese walked back in the 'magic door' and out came that dude. i think Adam asked him if he was Chuck E Cheese, and he nodded. He also had a nametag that said something like 'cheesemeister' or something. whatever.
Once we were finished with our pizza, we meandered upstairs to the world of arcade games and proceeded to get screwed over on all the games, because that's what arcade games do. We did end up with 905 tickets though (after pooling them all together) which was pretty sweet. We all got these cheap bracelets and rubber lizards. Unfortunately, the bracelets only fit the girls. haha.
Overall, I had a great time. It was a great idea, especially after taking a math test of death earlier in the day. Unfortunately now, I need to do a crapload of homework. Yay for college.

Juice Beloved

During the last semester, I have created... or developed... an obession with a juice flavor that I have only found in the University cafeterias. It goes by the name of Apple Berry. There is a certain fruity sensation that when it hits, it cannot be replicated unless you take another drink. Its like marijuana for juice lovers. Since my first moment of apple berry-ness, I have had two other flavors of juice from the University cafeterias and these moments in time were due to a deficiency of apple berry juice in the juice fountain.
This morning, at our beautiful Dining Service, I was subjected to a fate far worse than lack of apple berry.
(pause for dramatic effect)
there were no glasses.
OMG! what kind of lame cafeteria does not have glasses?? couldnt the dishwashers see that there were absolutely no glasses next to the beloved apple berry?? I couldn't believe my eyes. In an act of desperation, I grabbed a coffee mug and filled it full of apple berry. I would not be denied!
In order to understand the atrocity of the situation, one must first understand this. The effective volume of a coffee mug is about half that of a juice glass. this is due to the fact that a coffee mug is used to hold hot things, and one cannot drink something that warm quickly enough for it to retain its temperature to warrant a much larger size. Due to this engineering feat, I could only have half a glass of apple berry this morning. Also- genius that I am, i managed to wedge myself in between two tables with people at them so that I could sit with my friends as I ate my hard bagel and cold soggy french toast. Therefore, I was unable to return to the juice machines to refill my coffee mug with apple berry.
This is a sad day.

....and we're back!

Finally recovering from the previous stupidity at the HCC dorms, Im back at college! I've been meeting a few people and I guess I even have a date for tomorrow night. That is one thing I really don't like about the way I act (okay there is a lot) but in this respect, I bounce back from relationships really quickly. I'm not a mope-around kind of girl. I guess.
Even still, I'm not totally positive I should be moving on this quickly. I mean, Jon and I were pretty serious- more serious than I've ever known. Then again, after seeing him over break, I'm positive that anything romantic is over for now. He is a great guy, and a great friend. I need to move on. Its not fair to let that color any judgement I have of any future guy.
Here's the catch, however- my past two relationships have been long distance. that's two out of three serious relationships I've had. Now- I'm in college- nobody lives in Hibbing! Its really a great thing- I hate Hibbing. But, when I look toward what might happen I just cringe inside because its going to end up long distance. It could be worse, however, I mean- it will only be long distance over the summer and maybe not even then- if all my hopes come true for this summer I wont have to go back I will get an internship here and never leave. So I'm basically scaring myself away from the prospect of a relationship just because I got screwed over in the past and theres a chance that its going to happen again.
Fuck it all- I'm through with thinking this shit out. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will. haha.
Besides my thoughts on men, College is great! I am so happy to be back here- the activity is back, homework (eww) is not too terrible as of yet, Im a lab monkey for credit, and I'm making new friends everyday.
The movie project is coming along- because I can't remember if I posted about it before I'm going to now (probably not haha). Mike started a student group here on campus that is suprisingly well-organized and productive. He asked me to be an officer and I agreed, telling him at the time that I would have little to no time to be such. He assured me that it was for administrative purposes and I could put as little or as much time into his group as I would like. Apparently his version of 'as little' is every weekend at his house. I know he's disappointed that I can't spend as much time as he would like on this project, and I'm disappointed in myself too. When I do something, I put every effort into it. Unfortunately my every effort can't be expended into two things at once. He also thinks that I dont like working on this. I'm not sure where he got that idea. In fact, he found most of this out because I told his roomate in confidence who then informed Mike. In his defence, I didnt say 'dont tell mike' but I guessed it was kind-of assumed. Not that I wasnt going to tell Mike- I just generally like to do it myself- not through another. Mostly because few people understand (okay make that zero) how I think or what I'm doing and why. Generally if someone hears something I said, it has been my experience that about 70% of the time it is either not what I meant or completely wrong. Therefore I figure some of that probability played into the fact that Mike now believes I'm depressed or something and hate everyone. so untrue.
I've been spending a bit of time with friends as well. well, when I'm not studying that is. I've come to appreciate the down time and it has actually worked to my benefit as a person to have this downtime. Its a well-known fact that I am not a nice person when stressed. The fact that I have this occasional down time makes me guilty, however. as if I should be doing something movie-related but I'm not. Guilt is not a great feeling. I dont understand why everyone else gets to have this downtime though, and not feel guilty about it.
Thursday I went to campus crusades again. I remember why I went. God has touched my life in so many ways since college started- I can't even describe the joy I have once I leave crusades or hope. Unfortunately, I havent been feeling crusades recently- too much flamboyant-ness. I, personally, worship God in a quiet-like manner. I love singing, however. The speaker last week made me angry as well. He basically told all of the students that they were not doing enough in God's name and that we were all lazy. and better than everyone else. I believe he has spoken before too- he offended me then too. he (im pretty sure it was him- anyway its happened on more than one occasion) said something to the effect "I was a good person- i went to church every Sunday with my parents..." Okay- what does this say? those that dont go to church regularily are not good people?? this means that I'm a bad person as well as my family and most of my closest friends. I was very offended, even though I knew that this statement was not meant for this context. I just hope that this man does not speak too much in the future otherwise I'm not sure I will be attending crusades much longer.
Its three thirty in the morning and I need sleep-
Take it easy!

Winter Break Closes...

These past few days have been interesting for me. A few days ago, I went to see a Hibbing Community College basketball game with an old friend- her boyfriend is on the team. Afterwards, we went bowling and I was informed that her boyfriend's friend noticed me in the bleachers and wanted to talk to me. He joined us in our bowling game a few rounds into the game, and suprisingly, he barely talked to me. He did ask for my phone number, which I gave to him- I figured he would want it for trophy purposes or something. He actually called me later that night, and wanted to know if I would stop by the dorms the next day to see him. Being a bit naive, I said yes. The next day, I went into his room and three of his friends were playing Madden while he prepared himself dinner. I sat down and watched his friends play their videogame, I figured 'hey, this must be what we're doing'. He got done preparing his food and placed it in the oven and motioned me to his bedroom where there was a basketball game turned on on the TV there. I reassessed my thinking and thought 'well, we will be watching a basketball game'. I should have known better. I also should learn to read into people's motives more. He asked if I wanted the lights on or off- I didnt care whether the lights were on or off so I left it up to him. On second thought this should have been a red flag for me. When he sat down next to me, he asked if he could put his arm around me, I replied that it was fine, and then he started rubbing my side and asking about how many men I've been with. Suddenly alarmed, I tried thinking of a quick escape. It was nearing 8.30 so I figured I could hold out for another 20 minutes. he then asked if he could kiss me and I let him (stupid stupid stupid!). He got really friendly and I booked. I can't believe I am this dumb.
I decided to make a list of DO's and DONT's for women and college men:
- When a college man asks you to go to his dorm room: DONT. especially if you dont know him. I am so overly trusting of people and naive, it makes me sick.
- If you do go to his dorm room, DO bring someone with you!
- Always tell someone where you are going
- Don't let them all over you- it just isnt that great for anyone's reputation.
- Get to know the guy first- somewhere that is safe.
Like I said: all of this is common sense and I can't believe that I'm so dumb to ignore it.
Other than this mis-adventure, I have had a great time here. I have seen my closest friends a lot, and today one made dinner for us all. I consider myself very lucky to have such great friends here. I am sad to go, but I only go to a place where I have more friends- granted, I don't know them as well as I know the people here, but in time I believe that will change.
Favorite moments here over break include: going to the hockey game with my dad, going to Valintines and Jon's with the gang, playing DnD with them, going to Duluth to see the Producers, staying home and watching 40 yr old Virgin, going to Virginia and making cookies with Erica, talking to and playing Halo 2 with Matt, Beating people in Fequency, walking three miles in the cold at night with Grant Matt and Jon, eating hotwings and going bowling with Joe, watching Boondock Saints in my basement, getting wasted with everybody on New Years and going sledding too, Enjoying Christmas with my family, and above all- seeing everyone throughout this break! If there is anything i missed feel free to comment on it- my only defense is that just too much happened for me to remember it all!
I am very excited to go back now. I cant wait until I see everyone again, and I am excited to work on the set that we are building for a movie that I am helping produce. A friend of mine started an entirely new group at the U of Mn called Film and Video Effects Magic: basically we teach other people how to make movies and we create movies. It is really exciting and we will be submitting a film to the film festival held here if everything goes fine.
Also I will be starting a research job under my chemistry professor. I am very excited to begin this- it has been a goal of mine since I got into the honors program here to get involved with a research project. I also need to start typing my resume and applying to companies for internships... this is scary. I really need one- mostly so that I can afford to go to college next year- but what if I don't get one? It happens- a lot- that would be really sad. I just need to think positive on this.
Well I will keep you updated on my trials and toils in college!

break is almost over!

I have roughly five days left here in Hibbing, I am already starting the countdown.
I went to Duluth today, with the intention of seeing the movie The Producers. The road conditions were bad, but I survived. The movie itself was very funny, and it had great music. I played a few selections from the movie with the Mesabi Comunity Band in Virginia, back in the day, but it was really great to hear them actually in use. I miss playing with them... fortunately I am joining the Campus Band next semester at the U so at least I will get my clarinet playing fix haha. I'm actually suprised how much i miss playing an instrument often.
Jon left for college this morning. I believe that things are going well with us, we will be good friends. I am very happy of this and have no regrets. He is a great guy.
Travelling in the car with my friends today was a very interesting experience, we listened to Gwen Stafani on full blast while my other two friends tried (and succeeded!) to rock the top-heavy blazer back and forth at various stop signs in Duluth... If only I had a video camera...
Geez, I am really going to miss my friends
Recently I have become involved with a group that Mike started, called FTNV- its run through the University of Minnesota to create and teach people how to create all aspects of movies. The short term goals of the group involve three movies within the next three months. This seems very daunting, but the first two will be about five minutes long, each, and the third will run about ten minutes. We already have scrips and a website- I feel almost as if I've done nothing to forward the progress of the group, however. It seems that everyone has some project to work on, where I am mostly researching so that I know what the heck is going on. Lately, however I have been researching on how to synthesize a likeness of 'Greek Fire'- basically a sticky extremely flammable resin that resembles napalm. I have been having a bit of fun lighting a few select household items on fire- cleaners and whatnot. I have found that cleaners with citrus oil-orange oil specifically- burn the best on camera. also bugspray is great. Another part of Greek Fire is that when it is hurled, it casts a tail behind it, basically drops of the Greek Fire itself. I am currently attempting to synthesisze this, and I am nearly at a loss. Kerosene was brought up to me, but I am not sure, due to the viscocity of Kerosene (very low) that it will work. There is also the fact that I have to light it on fire, most likely without permission from my parents to light things on fire on their property... :S Apparently if you can dissolve soap in anything it burns longer. Also anti-bacterial hand soap is supposed to burn like napalm. Any way, I will have to see about these things.
I just hope something works...

home again

Today I finally started to re-organize my pictures on my wall, at least so that I could include less of Jon and me together. Anyone that knows me well at all knows that I am somewhat of an amateur photographer, of people anyway. In other words, I love to take pictures. The reason I mention this now is so that you understand that I have many other pictures to choose from to fill my albums and frames. I only got one frame done, but it was the one with the most pictures of us together, the one of my friends at formal dances, in fact I just did the entire collage over, I was kind of sick of the old pictures anyway. This gave me a chance to really look at my old albums. Its frightening how one changes over a span of four years. I looked at the only picture that I have in print from my first formal dance- it is of me and my date, Grant who is now probably one of the best friends that I have- and I compared it to a picture from prom. I pretty much look the same, but everyone around me had changed. Comparing these two pictures made me wonder if I am really going through life or if it is passing me by.
Perfect example: I drank (alcohol) for the first time on New Years Eve. Well, it was not the first time that I drank, but it was definitely the first time that I did it in a party setting. Yeah, I realize that there are some people that do not drink their whole lives, or only with dinner, etc. These are also people that have morals or ethics against social drinking. I have no such morals or ethics- I definitely believe that once in a while drinking is okay (not every weekend but on holidays and such it’s a good thing). Therefore maybe I was missing out in high school a little. I am also a better person for it I realize: my grades were too important to me in high school to afford myself any slack. Now though, I am in college and studying seems to be just as important.
This made me realize that coming from a small town has influenced my views on controversial topics such as drinking and sex. To put it bluntly, there just isn’t much else to do here. I’m still a virgin, but this also makes me wonder if I am missing out in this too. I know very few virgins any more, especially since college has started. I know that this won’t spur me to run to the first willing male and whip out a beer and off my clothes, but it seems that people that have spent their lives in the city are less likely to do these things. I could be wrong too.
This makes me want to go back to college so much more than I already do. College is so much different than high school ever was. For one thing I am no longer under my parents discretion. I know they mean well but they don’t understand me and probably never will, only because I wont let them. They analyze my every move and criticize anything I say, do, or the way I look. I appreciate their honesty but not their attention- I would rather live life in the background. I also get less privacy here. Perfect example: my mom has walked into my room (without knocking) at least three times in the past five minutes wondering what I am typing. God, I can’t wait to leave.
College is also without cliques. At least, whatever clique-ige there is, it is not as noticeable as it was for high school. I went to a hockey game a few nights ago and I noticed a group of people that graduated with me sitting in their usual spot. I was initially too afraid to speak to them, just like high school, but I eventually sucked it up- I thought that maybe they liked the non-clique-ness of college as much as I did and might have just said hello back because I was a fellow HHS graduate. I was very wrong. What makes me angry about this is that I was initially afraid of them, obviously I am the better person here, and it also made me pity them, that they will never be able to recognize or create a new friendship unless forced into it. They will fail at the important things in life and I fear that most of my graduating class will lead unhappy lives according to my definition of it. I am sad for them.
I came back ‘citified’. I am surprised how quickly it happened. Last night Krysti and I went to the new Caribou Coffee here (it opened a few days ago) and were not impressed. The fact that we know how a Caribou Coffee is run scares me. The people behind the counter weren’t even yelling out our orders or anything. I think my citification happened so quickly because I hate high school and Hibbing and everything in it. Except for my friends of course.
On a lighter note, classes start again in about two weeks, so I really don’t have that much left of break. Unfortunately it seems that everyone else goes back on the 9th (in about a week) so that there will be an awkward week where I really don’t have much to do while everyone else will be out being productive with their lives.