The end of... Well, it's a beginning of something, anyway

However frightening as this may be, I'm going to spill the beans here.

Out of lack of a real relationship lately, uncertainty about the future, and the very real fact that we would be separated for an extended period of time in less than a year, we broke up.

Few people know how badly I'm hurt. It takes a lot for me to let other people see me cry. Contrary to popular belief, I cry a lot.

I'm dreading the end of the semester, because I know how much I need to finish before then, however I am looking forward to the summer. Honestly, I can't wait for him to leave. Not because I don't like him, but because I need my space. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. The double edged part of this is that in not seeing or talking to him I've lost one of the best friends I've ever had. This more than anything makes me cry now.

Most people who knew me before college (when I was more frequently in and out of relationships) know that I recover pretty quickly. At least they think I do, from what they tell me. In my opinion, its the last month of the relationship- the inevitable pulling away from each other, the loss of communication, the lack of contact, and finally that last pull that escalates the severance- this is when I cope. There are times when I'm pretty inept at reading people, however after being so close to someone for so long, I'm pretty good at knowing what is on his mind, until he starts pulling away. This is when I know its over. It just takes my heart a while to get used to the idea.

Usually during this time we break up. This is exactly what happened here. I'm still coping with losing someone, but I think I might be on the butt end of it. I still love him, but over the summer that will probably change. I may date again before I graduate, we'll see. Not soon.

It doesn't have to be love and war, either. I know we will probably be friends again.

There are some things that I miss already, and I'm coping with living without them. In fact, I've probably not had these things for about a month and a half. We've been acting like only friends for that amount of time, anyway. It's a little difficult to consider yourself in a relationship with someone who won't even hold your hand.

I guess one of my favorite, however semi-emo, quotes best sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope"

I wish I knew who said/wrote that.

I'm not clinging to hope that he'll regret what he's done. I'm not clinging to hope that we'll get back together one day. I really don't believe in relationships that get "back together". I know people who are clinging to these hopes for me, just know that I'm not. I am not counting on having anyone special before I graduate college. I am not hoping for a date to my best friend's wedding. If God chooses it to be so, then it will. I put this in His hands now.

And finally, don't worry about me. I know this was a little bit of a tirade on me being fine and missing him, but I'm serious. I'll live, I'll be fine, and I could use a hug.

Thank you.