Falling Out of Love

http://www.wikihow.com/Fall-Out-of-Love

I can't believe there is a step-by-step method for this...

Another tidbit

I also found out today that the paper that Zhiyong put me as an author on got published! w00t!

I'

So, today I learned that my options for graduate school have very few limits if I continue how well I've been doing, and also do well on the GRE's.
I also learned that I would be presenting a poster at I prime (I'). At least I'm one of the authors on the poster, and I have to be there (I don't think I actually get to present anything).
I think I'm tasting colors right about now.
This is kind of a huge deal for an undergraduate researcher, rarely do we get to this level, and I mean I'm only an author on a poster, but it's totally something!
yay!

It's over.

Officially, I am now a senior- one year from graduating with a degree in chemical engineering.
And you could probably say that I'm scared shitless.
Really, I'm not ready for the real world, and I don't think I will be in another year. Little by little I'm getting acclimated, but at least I'll (hopefully) have grad school to postpone that for a while.
It's also going to be really hard not looking for jobs with salaries.
I'll just need to keep my goals in mind: I don't want to be someone's bitch. I want to do my own things (in the interest of the company) and tell other people to do the easier stuff for me. I have no idea what degree that equates to, I figure it's a doctorate.
I'm definitely going to miss the people that are leaving for the summer, but really, we will probably all be so busy that school will start again before we know it and we will all be together again.

oh bother

First final done! two to go, a final (art) presentation tonight, and a final paper to submit. Except for the two tests, everything is extremely close to being finished.
I really am not sure about this presentation tonight. What I drew is a little bit personal to me, if only for what it represents. The content of the drawing is pretty impersonal- just a broken picture frame.

EDIT: It actually turned out really well, people seemed to like it

But think about what kinds of things a broken picture frame represents? Broken love life, death of a loved one, some type of natural disaster...
I wanted to convey grief, and I feel like I managed to do that. I just don't want to share my grief with everyone else, yet I don't know how to otherwise display my drawing. I do want to pass the class, however, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and hope no one notices that this is more than just a drawing for me.
I guess this must be an artistic fear, this displaying of personal property. I don't like it, this is why I'm in engineering. Art is judged so subjectively, whether it is well-liked, hated, or indifferent depends on the person viewing it. This is a little like why I don't like people seeing my grades on exams, reading what I write- be it a short story or an opinionated essay, or seeing my personal property, or my small drawings in that notebook everyone has that no one else knows about. I guess you could say that I hate being judged, and it's something that I'm going to have to get over if I ever want to survive in the real world.
Buck up, little soldier.

Today was a Good Day.

Pause....

Breathe.

ok, now back to your regularily scheduled programming.

Today was interesting. I freaked out about doing something that I wanted to but probably shouldn't have. I called Krysti who says its okay. Therefore: I feel much better.

Got to see an old friend from the floor last year, and spent a lot of time in my old dorm today. It was nice to see old friends. Later went out to a "sing-a-long" and saw more old friends. And some new ones too. All in all, a great night.

Not looking forward to finals week. Which starts like now. I'm glad I learned it the first time around, but it sucks to review, especially when there are more fun things I can be doing.

I wore shorts today. Completely out of my comfort zone- I don't like my legs. I also played Frisbee in the rain in them, which was a very cold experience. I warmed up pretty quickly though, I have thick skin.

I can't believe it's 1 AM already, time flew by way too fast today. It was nice to catch a break before the craziness of next week begins, and as usual, I'll keep ya updated!

The end of... Well, it's a beginning of something, anyway

However frightening as this may be, I'm going to spill the beans here.

Out of lack of a real relationship lately, uncertainty about the future, and the very real fact that we would be separated for an extended period of time in less than a year, we broke up.

Few people know how badly I'm hurt. It takes a lot for me to let other people see me cry. Contrary to popular belief, I cry a lot.

I'm dreading the end of the semester, because I know how much I need to finish before then, however I am looking forward to the summer. Honestly, I can't wait for him to leave. Not because I don't like him, but because I need my space. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. The double edged part of this is that in not seeing or talking to him I've lost one of the best friends I've ever had. This more than anything makes me cry now.

Most people who knew me before college (when I was more frequently in and out of relationships) know that I recover pretty quickly. At least they think I do, from what they tell me. In my opinion, its the last month of the relationship- the inevitable pulling away from each other, the loss of communication, the lack of contact, and finally that last pull that escalates the severance- this is when I cope. There are times when I'm pretty inept at reading people, however after being so close to someone for so long, I'm pretty good at knowing what is on his mind, until he starts pulling away. This is when I know its over. It just takes my heart a while to get used to the idea.

Usually during this time we break up. This is exactly what happened here. I'm still coping with losing someone, but I think I might be on the butt end of it. I still love him, but over the summer that will probably change. I may date again before I graduate, we'll see. Not soon.

It doesn't have to be love and war, either. I know we will probably be friends again.

There are some things that I miss already, and I'm coping with living without them. In fact, I've probably not had these things for about a month and a half. We've been acting like only friends for that amount of time, anyway. It's a little difficult to consider yourself in a relationship with someone who won't even hold your hand.

I guess one of my favorite, however semi-emo, quotes best sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope"

I wish I knew who said/wrote that.

I'm not clinging to hope that he'll regret what he's done. I'm not clinging to hope that we'll get back together one day. I really don't believe in relationships that get "back together". I know people who are clinging to these hopes for me, just know that I'm not. I am not counting on having anyone special before I graduate college. I am not hoping for a date to my best friend's wedding. If God chooses it to be so, then it will. I put this in His hands now.

And finally, don't worry about me. I know this was a little bit of a tirade on me being fine and missing him, but I'm serious. I'll live, I'll be fine, and I could use a hug.

Thank you.