Juice Beloved

During the last semester, I have created... or developed... an obession with a juice flavor that I have only found in the University cafeterias. It goes by the name of Apple Berry. There is a certain fruity sensation that when it hits, it cannot be replicated unless you take another drink. Its like marijuana for juice lovers. Since my first moment of apple berry-ness, I have had two other flavors of juice from the University cafeterias and these moments in time were due to a deficiency of apple berry juice in the juice fountain.
This morning, at our beautiful Dining Service, I was subjected to a fate far worse than lack of apple berry.
(pause for dramatic effect)
there were no glasses.
OMG! what kind of lame cafeteria does not have glasses?? couldnt the dishwashers see that there were absolutely no glasses next to the beloved apple berry?? I couldn't believe my eyes. In an act of desperation, I grabbed a coffee mug and filled it full of apple berry. I would not be denied!
In order to understand the atrocity of the situation, one must first understand this. The effective volume of a coffee mug is about half that of a juice glass. this is due to the fact that a coffee mug is used to hold hot things, and one cannot drink something that warm quickly enough for it to retain its temperature to warrant a much larger size. Due to this engineering feat, I could only have half a glass of apple berry this morning. Also- genius that I am, i managed to wedge myself in between two tables with people at them so that I could sit with my friends as I ate my hard bagel and cold soggy french toast. Therefore, I was unable to return to the juice machines to refill my coffee mug with apple berry.
This is a sad day.

....and we're back!

Finally recovering from the previous stupidity at the HCC dorms, Im back at college! I've been meeting a few people and I guess I even have a date for tomorrow night. That is one thing I really don't like about the way I act (okay there is a lot) but in this respect, I bounce back from relationships really quickly. I'm not a mope-around kind of girl. I guess.
Even still, I'm not totally positive I should be moving on this quickly. I mean, Jon and I were pretty serious- more serious than I've ever known. Then again, after seeing him over break, I'm positive that anything romantic is over for now. He is a great guy, and a great friend. I need to move on. Its not fair to let that color any judgement I have of any future guy.
Here's the catch, however- my past two relationships have been long distance. that's two out of three serious relationships I've had. Now- I'm in college- nobody lives in Hibbing! Its really a great thing- I hate Hibbing. But, when I look toward what might happen I just cringe inside because its going to end up long distance. It could be worse, however, I mean- it will only be long distance over the summer and maybe not even then- if all my hopes come true for this summer I wont have to go back I will get an internship here and never leave. So I'm basically scaring myself away from the prospect of a relationship just because I got screwed over in the past and theres a chance that its going to happen again.
Fuck it all- I'm through with thinking this shit out. I'll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will. haha.
Besides my thoughts on men, College is great! I am so happy to be back here- the activity is back, homework (eww) is not too terrible as of yet, Im a lab monkey for credit, and I'm making new friends everyday.
The movie project is coming along- because I can't remember if I posted about it before I'm going to now (probably not haha). Mike started a student group here on campus that is suprisingly well-organized and productive. He asked me to be an officer and I agreed, telling him at the time that I would have little to no time to be such. He assured me that it was for administrative purposes and I could put as little or as much time into his group as I would like. Apparently his version of 'as little' is every weekend at his house. I know he's disappointed that I can't spend as much time as he would like on this project, and I'm disappointed in myself too. When I do something, I put every effort into it. Unfortunately my every effort can't be expended into two things at once. He also thinks that I dont like working on this. I'm not sure where he got that idea. In fact, he found most of this out because I told his roomate in confidence who then informed Mike. In his defence, I didnt say 'dont tell mike' but I guessed it was kind-of assumed. Not that I wasnt going to tell Mike- I just generally like to do it myself- not through another. Mostly because few people understand (okay make that zero) how I think or what I'm doing and why. Generally if someone hears something I said, it has been my experience that about 70% of the time it is either not what I meant or completely wrong. Therefore I figure some of that probability played into the fact that Mike now believes I'm depressed or something and hate everyone. so untrue.
I've been spending a bit of time with friends as well. well, when I'm not studying that is. I've come to appreciate the down time and it has actually worked to my benefit as a person to have this downtime. Its a well-known fact that I am not a nice person when stressed. The fact that I have this occasional down time makes me guilty, however. as if I should be doing something movie-related but I'm not. Guilt is not a great feeling. I dont understand why everyone else gets to have this downtime though, and not feel guilty about it.
Thursday I went to campus crusades again. I remember why I went. God has touched my life in so many ways since college started- I can't even describe the joy I have once I leave crusades or hope. Unfortunately, I havent been feeling crusades recently- too much flamboyant-ness. I, personally, worship God in a quiet-like manner. I love singing, however. The speaker last week made me angry as well. He basically told all of the students that they were not doing enough in God's name and that we were all lazy. and better than everyone else. I believe he has spoken before too- he offended me then too. he (im pretty sure it was him- anyway its happened on more than one occasion) said something to the effect "I was a good person- i went to church every Sunday with my parents..." Okay- what does this say? those that dont go to church regularily are not good people?? this means that I'm a bad person as well as my family and most of my closest friends. I was very offended, even though I knew that this statement was not meant for this context. I just hope that this man does not speak too much in the future otherwise I'm not sure I will be attending crusades much longer.
Its three thirty in the morning and I need sleep-
Take it easy!

Winter Break Closes...

These past few days have been interesting for me. A few days ago, I went to see a Hibbing Community College basketball game with an old friend- her boyfriend is on the team. Afterwards, we went bowling and I was informed that her boyfriend's friend noticed me in the bleachers and wanted to talk to me. He joined us in our bowling game a few rounds into the game, and suprisingly, he barely talked to me. He did ask for my phone number, which I gave to him- I figured he would want it for trophy purposes or something. He actually called me later that night, and wanted to know if I would stop by the dorms the next day to see him. Being a bit naive, I said yes. The next day, I went into his room and three of his friends were playing Madden while he prepared himself dinner. I sat down and watched his friends play their videogame, I figured 'hey, this must be what we're doing'. He got done preparing his food and placed it in the oven and motioned me to his bedroom where there was a basketball game turned on on the TV there. I reassessed my thinking and thought 'well, we will be watching a basketball game'. I should have known better. I also should learn to read into people's motives more. He asked if I wanted the lights on or off- I didnt care whether the lights were on or off so I left it up to him. On second thought this should have been a red flag for me. When he sat down next to me, he asked if he could put his arm around me, I replied that it was fine, and then he started rubbing my side and asking about how many men I've been with. Suddenly alarmed, I tried thinking of a quick escape. It was nearing 8.30 so I figured I could hold out for another 20 minutes. he then asked if he could kiss me and I let him (stupid stupid stupid!). He got really friendly and I booked. I can't believe I am this dumb.
I decided to make a list of DO's and DONT's for women and college men:
- When a college man asks you to go to his dorm room: DONT. especially if you dont know him. I am so overly trusting of people and naive, it makes me sick.
- If you do go to his dorm room, DO bring someone with you!
- Always tell someone where you are going
- Don't let them all over you- it just isnt that great for anyone's reputation.
- Get to know the guy first- somewhere that is safe.
Like I said: all of this is common sense and I can't believe that I'm so dumb to ignore it.
Other than this mis-adventure, I have had a great time here. I have seen my closest friends a lot, and today one made dinner for us all. I consider myself very lucky to have such great friends here. I am sad to go, but I only go to a place where I have more friends- granted, I don't know them as well as I know the people here, but in time I believe that will change.
Favorite moments here over break include: going to the hockey game with my dad, going to Valintines and Jon's with the gang, playing DnD with them, going to Duluth to see the Producers, staying home and watching 40 yr old Virgin, going to Virginia and making cookies with Erica, talking to and playing Halo 2 with Matt, Beating people in Fequency, walking three miles in the cold at night with Grant Matt and Jon, eating hotwings and going bowling with Joe, watching Boondock Saints in my basement, getting wasted with everybody on New Years and going sledding too, Enjoying Christmas with my family, and above all- seeing everyone throughout this break! If there is anything i missed feel free to comment on it- my only defense is that just too much happened for me to remember it all!
I am very excited to go back now. I cant wait until I see everyone again, and I am excited to work on the set that we are building for a movie that I am helping produce. A friend of mine started an entirely new group at the U of Mn called Film and Video Effects Magic: basically we teach other people how to make movies and we create movies. It is really exciting and we will be submitting a film to the film festival held here if everything goes fine.
Also I will be starting a research job under my chemistry professor. I am very excited to begin this- it has been a goal of mine since I got into the honors program here to get involved with a research project. I also need to start typing my resume and applying to companies for internships... this is scary. I really need one- mostly so that I can afford to go to college next year- but what if I don't get one? It happens- a lot- that would be really sad. I just need to think positive on this.
Well I will keep you updated on my trials and toils in college!

break is almost over!

I have roughly five days left here in Hibbing, I am already starting the countdown.
I went to Duluth today, with the intention of seeing the movie The Producers. The road conditions were bad, but I survived. The movie itself was very funny, and it had great music. I played a few selections from the movie with the Mesabi Comunity Band in Virginia, back in the day, but it was really great to hear them actually in use. I miss playing with them... fortunately I am joining the Campus Band next semester at the U so at least I will get my clarinet playing fix haha. I'm actually suprised how much i miss playing an instrument often.
Jon left for college this morning. I believe that things are going well with us, we will be good friends. I am very happy of this and have no regrets. He is a great guy.
Travelling in the car with my friends today was a very interesting experience, we listened to Gwen Stafani on full blast while my other two friends tried (and succeeded!) to rock the top-heavy blazer back and forth at various stop signs in Duluth... If only I had a video camera...
Geez, I am really going to miss my friends
Recently I have become involved with a group that Mike started, called FTNV- its run through the University of Minnesota to create and teach people how to create all aspects of movies. The short term goals of the group involve three movies within the next three months. This seems very daunting, but the first two will be about five minutes long, each, and the third will run about ten minutes. We already have scrips and a website- I feel almost as if I've done nothing to forward the progress of the group, however. It seems that everyone has some project to work on, where I am mostly researching so that I know what the heck is going on. Lately, however I have been researching on how to synthesize a likeness of 'Greek Fire'- basically a sticky extremely flammable resin that resembles napalm. I have been having a bit of fun lighting a few select household items on fire- cleaners and whatnot. I have found that cleaners with citrus oil-orange oil specifically- burn the best on camera. also bugspray is great. Another part of Greek Fire is that when it is hurled, it casts a tail behind it, basically drops of the Greek Fire itself. I am currently attempting to synthesisze this, and I am nearly at a loss. Kerosene was brought up to me, but I am not sure, due to the viscocity of Kerosene (very low) that it will work. There is also the fact that I have to light it on fire, most likely without permission from my parents to light things on fire on their property... :S Apparently if you can dissolve soap in anything it burns longer. Also anti-bacterial hand soap is supposed to burn like napalm. Any way, I will have to see about these things.
I just hope something works...

home again

Today I finally started to re-organize my pictures on my wall, at least so that I could include less of Jon and me together. Anyone that knows me well at all knows that I am somewhat of an amateur photographer, of people anyway. In other words, I love to take pictures. The reason I mention this now is so that you understand that I have many other pictures to choose from to fill my albums and frames. I only got one frame done, but it was the one with the most pictures of us together, the one of my friends at formal dances, in fact I just did the entire collage over, I was kind of sick of the old pictures anyway. This gave me a chance to really look at my old albums. Its frightening how one changes over a span of four years. I looked at the only picture that I have in print from my first formal dance- it is of me and my date, Grant who is now probably one of the best friends that I have- and I compared it to a picture from prom. I pretty much look the same, but everyone around me had changed. Comparing these two pictures made me wonder if I am really going through life or if it is passing me by.
Perfect example: I drank (alcohol) for the first time on New Years Eve. Well, it was not the first time that I drank, but it was definitely the first time that I did it in a party setting. Yeah, I realize that there are some people that do not drink their whole lives, or only with dinner, etc. These are also people that have morals or ethics against social drinking. I have no such morals or ethics- I definitely believe that once in a while drinking is okay (not every weekend but on holidays and such it’s a good thing). Therefore maybe I was missing out in high school a little. I am also a better person for it I realize: my grades were too important to me in high school to afford myself any slack. Now though, I am in college and studying seems to be just as important.
This made me realize that coming from a small town has influenced my views on controversial topics such as drinking and sex. To put it bluntly, there just isn’t much else to do here. I’m still a virgin, but this also makes me wonder if I am missing out in this too. I know very few virgins any more, especially since college has started. I know that this won’t spur me to run to the first willing male and whip out a beer and off my clothes, but it seems that people that have spent their lives in the city are less likely to do these things. I could be wrong too.
This makes me want to go back to college so much more than I already do. College is so much different than high school ever was. For one thing I am no longer under my parents discretion. I know they mean well but they don’t understand me and probably never will, only because I wont let them. They analyze my every move and criticize anything I say, do, or the way I look. I appreciate their honesty but not their attention- I would rather live life in the background. I also get less privacy here. Perfect example: my mom has walked into my room (without knocking) at least three times in the past five minutes wondering what I am typing. God, I can’t wait to leave.
College is also without cliques. At least, whatever clique-ige there is, it is not as noticeable as it was for high school. I went to a hockey game a few nights ago and I noticed a group of people that graduated with me sitting in their usual spot. I was initially too afraid to speak to them, just like high school, but I eventually sucked it up- I thought that maybe they liked the non-clique-ness of college as much as I did and might have just said hello back because I was a fellow HHS graduate. I was very wrong. What makes me angry about this is that I was initially afraid of them, obviously I am the better person here, and it also made me pity them, that they will never be able to recognize or create a new friendship unless forced into it. They will fail at the important things in life and I fear that most of my graduating class will lead unhappy lives according to my definition of it. I am sad for them.
I came back ‘citified’. I am surprised how quickly it happened. Last night Krysti and I went to the new Caribou Coffee here (it opened a few days ago) and were not impressed. The fact that we know how a Caribou Coffee is run scares me. The people behind the counter weren’t even yelling out our orders or anything. I think my citification happened so quickly because I hate high school and Hibbing and everything in it. Except for my friends of course.
On a lighter note, classes start again in about two weeks, so I really don’t have that much left of break. Unfortunately it seems that everyone else goes back on the 9th (in about a week) so that there will be an awkward week where I really don’t have much to do while everyone else will be out being productive with their lives.