To put it bluntly, relationships suck. I honestly don't know if I'm going to try it again. I fail miserably. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong...
A relationship with a good friend was not a good idea the first time around- so why did I think it would be different this time? On top of that, why did I try one with my ex's roommate? At this point, I realize that it never mattered how much I liked him.
I hate it when I'm so stupid.
This is a first for me. Normally I'm able to emotionally pull away at least a little. Actually, that's a lie. I think I've remained emotionally distant for the whole relationship. To protect myself from this. Or was I inviting it?
What do I want for my birthday?
Someone to love me.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The English Patient and Thoughts on a Hectic Life
I forgot how rewarding it feels to finish an outline of a large paper. I just finished one for a paper that I need to write, after reading only three of my sources. Honestly, I feel really good about it, like I've accomplished something, that I've set out to finish what seemed like an impossible task.
the trick is to have the stupid thing written today... ugh. I really don't want to write 6 pages on the identity of the English Patient. Even though I did enjoy the story.
Everything else is going crazy. I literally sleep in my free time. I talk to friends while I'm doing homework, so I have some type of social life. My existence is defined by school. Probably the story of any other college student, I'm aware.
I guess that's not completely true, I do have some semblance of free time. Lately, I've just needed to spend it on job-related things- which should be just about over, now.
Halloween this weekend. If I don't dress up, I believe it will be the first Halloween that I have not dressed up. Not that it should be a big deal or anything, but just a fact of life. I haven't been blindsided with inspiration, and do not plan on trick-or-canning or entering a costume contest in a mass ticket with about forty of my friends. I love dressing up, when it's something original. This year I'll go as a chemical engineer. A farce, if you've seen my grades lately.
If this is what I should do with my life, I'll do it. I trust enough in God that he'll get me through this. A little hard work, faith, and determination. And by little, I might mean lots.
Elections are coming up, everyone figuring out who they're voting for in a week. TV is saturated with it. It makes me sick, especially because I like neither candidate, and a vote for anyone else would be throwing it away. Ron Popeil for President! Fix it and Forget it.
I've heard several times that America might not be ready for a black President. Quite honestly, what makes people believe that we're ready for a woman President either? The trend in our nation is to allow black men rights before any women (e.g. suffrage), why should our elected be different? Quite honestly, sexism has been around for eons longer than racism against blacks. And neither are removed from our society either, I realize, but I don't see the point in arguing against Obama just because "America isn't ready". America is very ready for a black President- hell, the UK had a black prime minister! We have a black secretary of state! And guess what- not assasinated.
Not that i'm pro-Obama. I'm non-partisan, and like I said before, favor neither candidate. I realize I'm going to have to make up my mind soon, but it's not going to be easy. It might get easier if Palin is allowed to keep speaking publicly... that might confirm that I really don't want to cast a vote that may put her in a position of any public power whatsoever. "nucular". ugh.
the trick is to have the stupid thing written today... ugh. I really don't want to write 6 pages on the identity of the English Patient. Even though I did enjoy the story.
Everything else is going crazy. I literally sleep in my free time. I talk to friends while I'm doing homework, so I have some type of social life. My existence is defined by school. Probably the story of any other college student, I'm aware.
I guess that's not completely true, I do have some semblance of free time. Lately, I've just needed to spend it on job-related things- which should be just about over, now.
Halloween this weekend. If I don't dress up, I believe it will be the first Halloween that I have not dressed up. Not that it should be a big deal or anything, but just a fact of life. I haven't been blindsided with inspiration, and do not plan on trick-or-canning or entering a costume contest in a mass ticket with about forty of my friends. I love dressing up, when it's something original. This year I'll go as a chemical engineer. A farce, if you've seen my grades lately.
If this is what I should do with my life, I'll do it. I trust enough in God that he'll get me through this. A little hard work, faith, and determination. And by little, I might mean lots.
Elections are coming up, everyone figuring out who they're voting for in a week. TV is saturated with it. It makes me sick, especially because I like neither candidate, and a vote for anyone else would be throwing it away. Ron Popeil for President! Fix it and Forget it.
I've heard several times that America might not be ready for a black President. Quite honestly, what makes people believe that we're ready for a woman President either? The trend in our nation is to allow black men rights before any women (e.g. suffrage), why should our elected be different? Quite honestly, sexism has been around for eons longer than racism against blacks. And neither are removed from our society either, I realize, but I don't see the point in arguing against Obama just because "America isn't ready". America is very ready for a black President- hell, the UK had a black prime minister! We have a black secretary of state! And guess what- not assasinated.
Not that i'm pro-Obama. I'm non-partisan, and like I said before, favor neither candidate. I realize I'm going to have to make up my mind soon, but it's not going to be easy. It might get easier if Palin is allowed to keep speaking publicly... that might confirm that I really don't want to cast a vote that may put her in a position of any public power whatsoever. "nucular". ugh.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Job Searching
It's been a while since I updated, I guess it's starting to be like last year all over again! I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen. I did take steps to prevent being too overdrawn, however.
Searching for a job is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done to my future. Just knowing that in less than a year I will be living who knows where doing God knows what is a little frightening. On the bright side, it has been revealed to me lately that I will, in fact, have a job if I so choose at Ecolab- so at least I don't have to worry too much about that.
Macosko yesterday was trying to convince me to go to grad school. I can tell that he wants me to be happy and if he knew that what I wanted out of life and what I was doing to get there meshed he wouldn't be worried. I guess that needs explanation: I want to work in research and development, however not having an advanced degree hinders this process- and from what I've heard - also hinders moving up within the company (which also depends on the company). Thing is, if I go through any more school in the next year, I'm going to go batshit insane. I want to eventually get my masters degree, but not now, and hopefully not have to pay for it. Who knows, I might like working as a more traditional engineer too- whose jobs are rarely given to those with advanced degrees.
Maybe I feel like I'm making too many decisions that will really affect my future right now. I know these decisions are necessary, but I also know that they're very hard to fall back on. Chemical engineering is fairly unique in that these decisions are necessary- all of the mechanical, aerospace, electrical, etc. engineers that I know are all just looking for basic "jobs"- they don't need to specify product or process design as far as I know, and even if they do, I don't think that they're "stuck" in that particular field either. I guess this is why most companies have rotational programs for people like me, huh? I really don't want to get uprooted in the middle of something though, which always worries me with those things. I don't mind moving- hell, I've done it most of my life (max of four years in one place- the first place I lived! - and I'm living in place #14 I think...)
On a really exciting note, I'm travelling to Delaware next week, for an interview with DuPont! I am very excited for this, as I have never been to the East coast. Unfortunately, I won't be there long enough to experience anything- however I will be in downtown Wilmington for about three or four hours without anything to do a week from next Tuesday night. Exciting!!! Definitely bringing the camera (and extra batteries too).
I think I'm going to ask for money towards new digital camera for Christmas... as much as I like the old one, it's dying. Not just the batteries, but it's HUGE and doesn't fit well into my purse. I want a little one, but as most of you know I can't just get any piece of technology, so the one I have picked out is about $500. Which is approx. $300 out of my price range at the moment.
I can't wait to not be poor.
Searching for a job is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done to my future. Just knowing that in less than a year I will be living who knows where doing God knows what is a little frightening. On the bright side, it has been revealed to me lately that I will, in fact, have a job if I so choose at Ecolab- so at least I don't have to worry too much about that.
Macosko yesterday was trying to convince me to go to grad school. I can tell that he wants me to be happy and if he knew that what I wanted out of life and what I was doing to get there meshed he wouldn't be worried. I guess that needs explanation: I want to work in research and development, however not having an advanced degree hinders this process- and from what I've heard - also hinders moving up within the company (which also depends on the company). Thing is, if I go through any more school in the next year, I'm going to go batshit insane. I want to eventually get my masters degree, but not now, and hopefully not have to pay for it. Who knows, I might like working as a more traditional engineer too- whose jobs are rarely given to those with advanced degrees.
Maybe I feel like I'm making too many decisions that will really affect my future right now. I know these decisions are necessary, but I also know that they're very hard to fall back on. Chemical engineering is fairly unique in that these decisions are necessary- all of the mechanical, aerospace, electrical, etc. engineers that I know are all just looking for basic "jobs"- they don't need to specify product or process design as far as I know, and even if they do, I don't think that they're "stuck" in that particular field either. I guess this is why most companies have rotational programs for people like me, huh? I really don't want to get uprooted in the middle of something though, which always worries me with those things. I don't mind moving- hell, I've done it most of my life (max of four years in one place- the first place I lived! - and I'm living in place #14 I think...)
On a really exciting note, I'm travelling to Delaware next week, for an interview with DuPont! I am very excited for this, as I have never been to the East coast. Unfortunately, I won't be there long enough to experience anything- however I will be in downtown Wilmington for about three or four hours without anything to do a week from next Tuesday night. Exciting!!! Definitely bringing the camera (and extra batteries too).
I think I'm going to ask for money towards new digital camera for Christmas... as much as I like the old one, it's dying. Not just the batteries, but it's HUGE and doesn't fit well into my purse. I want a little one, but as most of you know I can't just get any piece of technology, so the one I have picked out is about $500. Which is approx. $300 out of my price range at the moment.
I can't wait to not be poor.
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